iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 150
feeling weird. unsure of what I want for my body or just in general. I've proven to myself I can sustain like weeks of low restriction if I wanted. I've proven I can get underweight. I can starve myself to death if I wanted to. I often feel like I should, because it'd feel good, I'd feel accomplished, I like how I look when I'm underweight and tiny etc. the behaviors are addicting. but after a while it gets empty and you get cold and foods the only thing that really matters and your heart can give out in your sleep and everything's annoying.
I watched a video on twitter of some actual nazis intimidating people at a drag show and it pissed me off. I don't know if this is narcissistic or anything but when I get upset about things like that I often just resort to violence in my fantasies. Not woke, I know. But damn, it would be amazing if someone would just hose them the fuck down. Then I think about my father and how bad I want to be able to put him in his place and just get him to shut the fuck up and make him think twice about raising his fucking hands to me. And then I think of myself and I know I'd be incapable of holding my own or protecting people I love in any such situations. I'm weak, regardless of if I'm underweight or not, I just don't work out or train or bother leaving the house most days. Zero executive function, im depressed as fuck, etc. Never in my life have I ever really defended myself. I don't know if being able to do that is something I genuinely want or just a passing feeling. I struggle with anger, I'm angry nearly every fucking day. If you're reading this, odds are I hate you, and I'm angry at you too.
Working out doesn't feel good and my brain is damaged in a way that it will never be gratifying. If I want to be able to defend myself there will never be those moments of euphoria or pride in myself. If I ever was in a situation where I needed to defend myself and I knew I could, and did, it's not like it'd even matter that much anyway. If I died I would die. If I didn't, then I wouldn't. It doesn't matter. I don't care either way. The way I feel in those moments when I'm getting my ass kicked by my dad or put in situations that require me to have any strength at all is literally fleeting. It's just as fleeting as being happy.
also, I'll never really be "recovered" no matter what weight or bmi or bf% I am. I will always fixate on my body and food, forever until I die. the goal will always be "not fat." The goal will always be to stave off the feeling of disgust, and to feel clean. To feel pure and clean is all I care about.
so.. what to do, huh? I'm at a point where I don't know what to do with my intake. I'm at 900 cals today and too anxious to go higher in case I regret committing to something like maintaining or gaining weight. Bulk up? Get so skinny a fucking YouTube jumpscare would induce a heart attack? I don't know anymore. I don't have any real goals. I'm a fucking alien.
I watched a video on twitter of some actual nazis intimidating people at a drag show and it pissed me off. I don't know if this is narcissistic or anything but when I get upset about things like that I often just resort to violence in my fantasies. Not woke, I know. But damn, it would be amazing if someone would just hose them the fuck down. Then I think about my father and how bad I want to be able to put him in his place and just get him to shut the fuck up and make him think twice about raising his fucking hands to me. And then I think of myself and I know I'd be incapable of holding my own or protecting people I love in any such situations. I'm weak, regardless of if I'm underweight or not, I just don't work out or train or bother leaving the house most days. Zero executive function, im depressed as fuck, etc. Never in my life have I ever really defended myself. I don't know if being able to do that is something I genuinely want or just a passing feeling. I struggle with anger, I'm angry nearly every fucking day. If you're reading this, odds are I hate you, and I'm angry at you too.
Working out doesn't feel good and my brain is damaged in a way that it will never be gratifying. If I want to be able to defend myself there will never be those moments of euphoria or pride in myself. If I ever was in a situation where I needed to defend myself and I knew I could, and did, it's not like it'd even matter that much anyway. If I died I would die. If I didn't, then I wouldn't. It doesn't matter. I don't care either way. The way I feel in those moments when I'm getting my ass kicked by my dad or put in situations that require me to have any strength at all is literally fleeting. It's just as fleeting as being happy.
also, I'll never really be "recovered" no matter what weight or bmi or bf% I am. I will always fixate on my body and food, forever until I die. the goal will always be "not fat." The goal will always be to stave off the feeling of disgust, and to feel clean. To feel pure and clean is all I care about.
so.. what to do, huh? I'm at a point where I don't know what to do with my intake. I'm at 900 cals today and too anxious to go higher in case I regret committing to something like maintaining or gaining weight. Bulk up? Get so skinny a fucking YouTube jumpscare would induce a heart attack? I don't know anymore. I don't have any real goals. I'm a fucking alien.
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