ED hindering recovery. (tw)

[BloatedGloater]

Anyone else hate being fat, but can't really find other ways to cope than eating?
I hate it... if I'm stressed- I eat, if I'm tired- I eat, if I'm down- I eat, when I hate how fat and ugly I am- I eat.
I just eat, and then I hate myself for eating when I'm already like 2x the size of a normal person so I don't eat for a few days until I either pass out or give in to temptation and stuff my fucking face again.
I end up eating once a day to try to keep myself in a somewhat functioning routine since I have responsibilities to take care of and need to function during the day but I end up binging almost every night.
After nightly binges for a while I gain some weight and go back to point 1 of binging every few days in between not eating until I faint.
Worst thing is that I don't even want this to get better, I just want to shift my focus on avoiding food and going back to my cozy ANA mindset rather than being unable to stop stuffing my face like a pig every night

Anyone else who struggles with recovery due to a viscious cycle like this?

I hate how I look and it makes me sad, when I'm sad I turn to food which makes me look worse and in turn increases the depression.

 

[morimori]

Just commenting to say that I feel the same way. I use food to cope with my feelings, and it's all I ever think about nowadays. I use both food and starvation as reward and punishment for myself. One of my reasons to ctb is even because I hate having a body and needing to rely on food to keep myself alive.

Sorry I can't offer any helpful words or anything! Eating disorders suck and it's hard to talk to people irl about them because there's a lot of misconceptions about having an ED, and it can be difficult to put ED thoughts into words that can be understood by people who don't know what it's like. I genuinely hope you find a good support system or are able to work through your negative feelings about this and find peace.

 

[lionetta12]

Anyone else hate being fat, but can't really find other ways to cope than eating?
I hate it... if I'm stressed- I eat, if I'm tired- I eat, if I'm down- I eat, when I hate how fat and ugly I am- I eat.
I just eat, and then I hate myself for eating when I'm already like 2x the size of a normal person so I don't eat for a few days until I either pass out or give in to temptation and stuff my fucking face again.
I end up eating once a day to try to keep myself in a somewhat functioning routine since I have responsibilities to take care of and need to function during the day but I end up binging almost every night.
After nightly binges for a while I gain some weight and go back to point 1 of binging every few days in between not eating until I faint.
Worst thing is that I don't even want this to get better, I just want to shift my focus on avoiding food and going back to my cozy ANA mindset rather than being unable to stop stuffing my face like a pig every night

Anyone else who struggles with recovery due to a viscious cycle like this?

I hate how I look and it makes me sad, when I'm sad I turn to food which makes me look worse and in turn increases the depression.

If I'm around friends or a partner 24/7 I stop eating and I lose a lot of weight rapidly, because I'm very uncomfortable with eating infront of anyone in general so I just eat a tiny cheese baguette and a sugar free redbull or something which is around 300 calories per day before I hang out with them. I also have such a fun time usually that I forget about food anyway.