Venting Dusty Trails, Neon Temples, and a Frozen Heart (a raconteur's lament)

[SwirlingParadox]

I think of myself a lot like my father. He was in the silent generation, raised in farmland that since got developed. He was never quite the sharpest (although I truly believe he was still sharp), but excelled in athletics. He told me stories of flings and adventures and childhood stumbles all of the time. He never told many stories after he had finished medical school- a career which he did not even like all that much. I feel like he let the world and his parents expectations take from him, slowly, enough to wither the soul.

Sometimes, I look at my father and then I look at myself. My only viable career path would destroy my soul in moments and my body in hours, and my dream career doesn't even exist anymore in this endgame capitalistic hellscape. My partner and I are strained almost to the point of breaking, entirely because I can't understand what they need and I take the flak when I can't figure it out. My savings fund ran out for school, stranding me with no degree but still debt. My slew of disorders don't let up, depression and personality disorders holding hands and playing in the Devil's playground. No jobs are taking me, social security doesn't think my slew of mental and physical problems necessitate social security, and's just... painful that even attempting to write stories or paint to relieve emotion frustrates me further.

I've taken my share of depression meds, and I think all of them make things worse.

I've been trying to take time to be distant, and still. I've taken my pills most days, I'm even working out now. But, it never gets better. Nothing ever feels like it improves, and nothing ever feels like it can. I've thrown all of my adult life and most of my formative years at the problem at being a functioning human who could be happy.

So... what's even to try? The daydreams of overdosing at the top of a mountain trail to see the sunset, or those of my partner being willing to hold my hand as I go, are all that remain. And I don't know how to change that. Don't think I should change it, either.

Does any of that seem ridiculous? I'm posting this instead of actually catching the bus because I'm in a wildly unfortunate spot to try
It's not relevant, but the title was meant to really represent 3 things that I haven't been able to escape that have been crushing me: my past, present, and soul. Corny but whatever

 

[Forever Sleep]

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry your life has lead you here.

None of what you've shared sounds ridiculous. It sounds like you tried really hard to achieve things in life but have struggled to do so with your health issues and you just feel kind of stuck now.

I have definitely come up against periods of feeling stuck in life. In a similar way to you- because my dream (creative) career was so hard to get and then maintain. My life's been a series of efforts of trying to get it and hold on to it so- I can appreciate the struggle.

Not sure if you want advice but, it's tricky. I wish there was an obvious fix to what you've described. I did end up going back to uni in my late twenties to retrain. I've also made all sorts of u turns all over the place in an attempt to try to be more happy but, still employed. But, it's definitely difficult and most things require compromise of some sort.

Do you still have things you want to do? I guess in an ideal world, we use the motivation we have to guide us. It's certainly harder as we age though. Some opportunities aren't available to us- as I found out when I thought about an apprenticeship. But, then I've always felt like the alternative looked even more bleak- homelessness, destitution. I've often felt like there wasn't really a choice.

I'm sorry that you are suffering.