Drugs and alcohol were my “hobbies”, what I was “good at”. Now that I’m sober, I haven’t been able to fill that void.

[CravingPeace]

School was the only thing that drove me, but that was just to get praise from others. I spent my whole life as an addict and never built any hobbies, interests, avenues to make friends as an adult. Now that I'm sober, the one thing I enjoyed is gone and a replacement is virtually impossible to find.

I'm not saying I want to use again, it's just that as a 29 year old and now 6 months sober, the novelty of "trying something new" is absolutely gone. I have no intrinsic motivation to try and fail at something new, do something that can produce different results. Nothing is appealing to me. Surely my reward system is shot to shit, but will it ever come back? Do I have to just wait it out and suffer on the mean time?

My therapist just told me that I seem to be in quite an existential crisis and I totally agree. Now that I am sober, "starting over" just seems like an utterly meaningless idea.

Any other sober individuals feel the same way?

 

[FishRain3469]

I know what you mean and thank you for sharing this. I'm still very active in my alcohol/ drug addiction... so I probably can't comment too much. But the whole " trying something new " , " starting over " .. means absolutely Jackshit to me. I just don't care anymore sadly.

I wish I did, Truly.... But I've built up sooo much self hatred, resentments, guilt, remorse.... over the years.. I feel like I'm tapped out. Pretty fckn toxic to say the Least.

Thanks for posting this, wish you the best in whatever may happen.

 

[divinemistress36]

Going out and partying with my friends in my younger days was the only thing I looked forward to . 29 I hit existential crisis also

 

[CravingPeace]

I know what you mean and thank you for sharing this. I'm still very active in my alcohol/ drug addiction... so I probably can't comment too much. But the whole " trying something new " , " starting over " .. means absolutely Jackshit to me. I just don't care anymore sadly.

I wish I did, Truly.... But I've built up sooo much self hatred, resentments, guilt, remorse.... over the years.. I feel like I'm tapped out. Pretty fckn toxic to say the Least.

Thanks for posting this, wish you the best in whatever may happen.

Absolutely feel the same regarding the build up of negativity. Today my therapist said "I need an attitude adjustment", not in a scornful way, but like "you need to change this ASAP". And I want to, but is it even possible?

Going out and partying with my friends in my younger days was the only thing I looked forward to . 29 I hit existential crisis

See above.. Like, I truly want a positive outlook on life - but do you want me to lie to myself and only focus on the few positives? That would just be delusional, not centered in reality. The fact is, I dug myself into such a deep fucking hole, and what, I'm supposed to just ignore that and pretend it didn't happen while I lie and say everything is good? I'm intelligent enough to see the silliness of that.

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, this decade really rubs in that hobbies are only industries, and provide some fixation for persons naturally only interested in one thing or medicationally tweaked up for it.

Partying also isn't so good, either you can try to play at something with some energy demanded by work, or with the benefit of less craving for all that, you get to see how all everyone gets up to is a '00s sitcom at best or usually far worse.

 

[22yearsbroken]

I know the feeling.. that void.. its what ruined my life and i got a hold.. now ive slipped due to other reqsons but stay strong ..hit them meetings as iften as pissjble

 

[KillingPain267]

Surely my reward system is shot to shit, but will it ever come back? Do I have to just wait it out and suffer on the mean time?

It depends on which drugs. You can heal from opioids quite fast and alcohol is also quite fast and possible although some brain damage can have occurred. Drugs like meth and cocaine can take up to a few years before the dopamine system is back to normal. But it surely can heal, new studies show.

 

[squirrels]

Okay so I've never drank and don't plan to ever drink. As a result I have issues telling different types of alcohols apart. Addicts seem to become accidental experts, from what I've seen. Not all, but quite a few. Unfortunately I don't think many can become bartenders and such since it seems a way to relapse, but I could be wrong.

I don't think that you can force new hobbies but I also don't think it would be hard to convert that "energy" into something else to focus on over time. I'm more of the type of addict to get addicted to food but I sort of just manage it through something else like tea since it won't make me fat. Maybe it can work with booze or drugs, I don't know specifically.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I quit drinking better than 30 years ago. I wasn't an alcoholic, though. Just quit because I didn't like it. It was kinda easy for me. Anyway, my life is utterly mundane and empty, so I see your point. Still, I'd never go back to alcohol. It's just been too long. And if anyone should be drinking, or if anyone fits the stereotype of who ought to be drinking, it's me. Idk. Maybe you can fill some of the void with porn? Just kidding. I really don't know.

 

[Droso]

A lot of this is also due to how you view the world. Someone who has made observations on the constant alienation and demands of society will feel disconnected from what society expects of them as a recovered addict. You're supposed to get a job, get new hobbies, find new friends, etc. But a lot of people's personal philosophies aren't compatible with the way the world functions. And drugs are easy. They feel good, they put you into another state of reality.

Well, I don't want to recommend you go back to using. But there is a drug called galantamine that's used to treat Alzheimer's. If you are in the US, you don't need a prescription. Essentially it increases acetylcholine levels in your brain. Acetylcholine is responsible for focus, cognitive function and memory. If you take some of it before you sleep or right in the middle of REM, your brain will stay semiconscious. If I recall correctly, one study stated that lucid dreaming increased by 50% in an experimental group taking this drug. And it's not just ordinary lucid dreaming, the fact that it keeps you essentially awake while you are asleep means you have even more vivid dreams. These galantamine induced dreams are said to look more real than reality itself, it's like expanding the way you perceive. I think the drug itself could be useful to your brain after frying your reward system even without the lucid dreaming. But monks and other spiritualist would use this to further their meditation practices. Of course with every drug there will be some side effects, so do your own research. I understand if you don't wanna try this out after accomplishing soberness, but I wanna leave this comment up for anyone interested.

 

[CravingPeace]

It depends on which drugs. You can heal from opioids quite fast and alcohol is also quite fast and possible although some brain damage can have occurred. Drugs like meth and cocaine can take up to a few years before the dopamine system is back to normal. But it surely can heal, new studies show.

Brain damaged definitely occurred, I can promise you that

 

[Ready_2go]

I know what you mean and thank you for sharing this. I'm still very active in my alcohol/ drug addiction... so I probably can't comment too much. But the whole " trying something new " , " starting over " .. means absolutely Jackshit to me. I just don't care anymore sadly.

I wish I did, Truly.... But I've built up sooo much self hatred, resentments, guilt, remorse.... over the years.. I feel like I'm tapped out. Pretty fckn toxic to say the Least.

Thanks for posting this, wish you the best in whatever may happen.

This speaks to me 100% - it is such a viscous cycle. The more I do certain drugs the more I grow to hate myself and feel the need to numb with more drugs and it just spirals from there.

To the OP I am too in deep with active addiction but your words… they sound exactly like what my partner has said, although he's active as well. I just, it's all I know now and the thought of just sitting there doing god knows what sucks. I hope though that you find out that it doesn't and can tell me how to answer my partner.

 

[bhaloo]

Addicted to Meth. Want to kill myself so desperately. Every day is suffering and Meth makes it even worse