Venting Doubting myself in the moment

[ScaredOfMachines]

I decided that tonight would be the night. I have nothing left, everything in life has lined up for me perfectly, and throughout the day all I could think about was how I wished I was dead. So after I had dinner tonight, I made up my mind. This would be be the last night I was alive. I finally have a reliable method in SN and everything else needed for it, so I really think this will be the attempt that works. So I got to work deleting tabs and signing out of socials, and set a timer for fasting so I would know precisely when to jump ship.

But as the point of no return draws closer, I keep finding myself nervous and doubting myself. I know this is my sole escape from my situation and I've been dreaming about this for months, but it feels so daunting now that it's here. I have about twenty minutes until I've fasted enough, and then another forty before I can take my SN (anti-emetic kick-in time). It feels so nerve-wreaking to know that I can finally die in just an hour. But the doubts are just too much to deal with for me right now.

I'm stuck on what to do here, honestly. I am a hundred percent sure that this is what I want, but something inside just keeps telling me that I'm making the wrong decision. I want to bite the bullet and do it because I know that little voice is probably just SI, but what if it's not?

I would appreciate any advice or help right now a lot.

 

[hopeisgone]

I feel this so hard. I have also been dreaming about this forever, I'm at my lowest point and felt FINALLY capable of doing it the past few days but there were always people around. Tonight has finally lined up, and here I am, sitting with my N and my doubts. SI is crazy strong, and scared that it might not just be SI. Maybe if I am not able to overcome the SI it means I am not ready. But then I wonder if I ever will be, and if I am doomed to continue with this existence even if nothing gets better just because I am too afraid of the process.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice since I am in the exact same situation. Just wanted to say that you are not alone.

 

[Tig]

Godspeed to both of you,
Rest easy.
Suffer no more.

 

[bigbang33]

I decided that tonight would be the night. I have nothing left, everything in life has lined up for me perfectly, and throughout the day all I could think about was how I wished I was dead. So after I had dinner tonight, I made up my mind. This would be be the last night I was alive. I finally have a reliable method in SN and everything else needed for it, so I really think this will be the attempt that works. So I got to work deleting tabs and signing out of socials, and set a timer for fasting so I would know precisely when to jump ship.

But as the point of no return draws closer, I keep finding myself nervous and doubting myself. I know this is my sole escape from my situation and I've been dreaming about this for months, but it feels so daunting now that it's here. I have about twenty minutes until I've fasted enough, and then another forty before I can take my SN (anti-emetic kick-in time). It feels so nerve-wreaking to know that I can finally die in just an hour. But the doubts are just too much to deal with for me right now.

I'm stuck on what to do here, honestly. I am a hundred percent sure that this is what I want, but something inside just keeps telling me that I'm making the wrong decision. I want to bite the bullet and do it because I know that little voice is probably just SI, but what if it's not?

I would appreciate any advice or help right now a lot.

There is nothing wrong with postponing.

I can't tell you not to do it, just as I can't encourage you to do it. But if you have doubts, I think it's worth it to re-evaluate. Pause. You don't have to do it today.

The SN will still be there.

Regardless, I wish you peace.

 

[soonnotkoei]

i am a hundred percent certain that this is how i to will feel when its my time. and i think thats normal. SI is a bitch. but there's no shame in backing out, you can choose another day. just don't commit to it if you aren't completely sure.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

I ended up backing out, I still have a little time before I absolutely have to CTB so I can always do it later. Still feel like shit about it, but I guess that's just how it is sometimes.

 

[Peace2peace]

I ended up backing out, I still have a little time before I absolutely have to CTB so I can always do it later. Still feel like shit about it, but I guess that's just how it is sometimes.

Yea same for me but how long will I continue to back out as my condition is not improving

 

[bigbang33]

I ended up backing out, I still have a little time before I absolutely have to CTB so I can always do it later. Still feel like shit about it, but I guess that's just how it is sometimes.

I'm glad you are still here!