don't want to kill my self, don't really want to live either

[lukewarmlemon4de]

i alternate between wanting to kill myself and not minding living every few weeks or so which isn't really convenient. killing myself is too hard to be honest, i realistically only have access to hanging but i'm probably too pussy to actually try (hell i can't even cut myself properly/hard enough, it took me a good while to even dare cutting myself). my ideal solution would be sn but since i'm based in uk its not looking too optimistic for me. i guess what's even more inconvenient is that after a while i'm just really not bothered to kill myself so i just give up, and the loop continues. my life isn't even that bad, i'm privileged financially and i don't have depression (or any mental problems) as far as i know, so i don't really know why i'm like this

 

[camusfan_ig]

I relate to your situation completely. It sucks constantly alternating between those two things, and feeling like you can't break out of the loop. You get exhausted :/

 

[ObsidianWatcher]

Cycling like that is extremely frustrating. Do the switches seem to be triggered by anything in particular?

 

[lukewarmlemon4de]

Cycling like that is extremely frustrating. Do the switches seem to be triggered by anything in particular?

i don't even know what triggers it to be honest. i thought it was just period hormones (silly ik) but i doubt period mood swings are meant to go this far

 

[camusfan_ig]

i don't even know what triggers it to be honest. i thought it was just period hormones (silly ik) but i doubt period mood swings are meant to go this far

How long have you felt like this if you don't mind me asking?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I'm so glad for the certainty of death. Even if it takes years and I never work up the courage, I'll die no matter what. Thank God. So maybe just wait it out. You probably have a more realistic view of what life is really about. Nothing "wrong" with you.

 

[Mothz]

(hell i can't even cut myself properly/hard enough, it took me a good while to even dare cutting myself).

I find this disheartening. Obviously this is a suicide forum, people self harm, but seeing someone sad that they don't even do the negative coping mechanism "right" hurt my heart to read. I know people within those spaces push to go deeper and deeper, but if you're cutting at all it doesn't matter how deep you're going--you're still hurting yourself. What people insulting label "cat scratches" are not actually cat scratches. This sentiment that you are even failing at this destructive coping mechanism isn't true. I got myself out of the hole of cutting and it has made it easier to deal with my feelings, when you have a mindset like this it will only send you further into the deep end and make it harder to critically think about your own feelings.

 

[MyLifeisHell]

Have you ever tried talking to someone about how you feel?

It doesn't sound like suicide is a reasonable option right now for you based on what you have said. Ambivalence about living warrants exploration of that feeling. You owe it to yourself to do that.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia. I can also relate with you. I'm probably much older than you, but I've also lived quite a somewhat 'privileged' & comfortable life. But still, it doesn't automatically mean that my life is already perfect. In fact, my life is a failure, in so many aspects. And it's not like I'm also already a super mega rich & successful person too. In fact, my family/parents now is in a sort of a hard financial situations now. It's kinda stressful. And I'm also struggling in some other important areas, for example, how I'm still single (& alone) at my age, while almost everybody else is already either in a 'happy relationship/couples', or 'happily married' etc2. As a musician myself, I also still fall short of my ideal dreams. I've had what's called an 'existential depression' for a (very) long time, due to mostly the 'reality .vs. imagination' dilemma. It's not just only very frustrating, but also very depressing.

It's sad that by 'privileged', people always assume that our lives are probably already perfect, 'everything is okay', etc2. While in reality, it's not always that simple. But the judgment from people (& society), it can make us feel even more guilty for feeling like this, isn't it?

(I even have to write this 'secretly/hidden', because I'm afraid that people IRL (in real life), whether family or friends or basically somebody, will (somehow) be able to find what I write here, and again, just simply judge me negatively, without even trying to understand me deeply/emphatically)

 

[traingirl]

i don't even know what triggers it to be honest. i thought it was just period hormones (silly ik) but i doubt period mood swings are meant to go this far

It can. Look up PMDD. I have PMDD and it makes me even more suicidal. It's worst in the two weeks before my period.

 

[lukewarmlemon4de]

How long have you felt like this if you don't mind me asking?

it's a bit weird. i felt like this since 2-3 years ago, but i "stopped" feeling like that when i wanted to fit in with other people and didn't want to seem "mentally ill". but when i started hanging out with people more like me (thank goodness for that!) i started feeling like i wasn't "traumatised" enough and suddenly my feelings started flaring up again. it almost feels performative tbh (i guess at least i know whatever i felt yesterday was definitely real?)

 

[Tarantula]

i don't even know what triggers it to be honest. i thought it was just period hormones (silly ik) but i doubt period mood swings are meant to go this far

I don't think that's silly at all. It sounds like you should consider looking into PMDD

 

[lukewarmlemon4de]

I find this disheartening. Obviously this is a suicide forum, people self harm, but seeing someone sad that they don't even do the negative coping mechanism "right" hurt my heart to read. I know people within those spaces push to go deeper and deeper, but if you're cutting at all it doesn't matter how deep you're going--you're still hurting yourself. What people insulting label "cat scratches" are not actually cat scratches. This sentiment that you are even failing at this destructive coping mechanism isn't true. I got myself out of the hole of cutting and it has made it easier to deal with my feelings, when you have a mindset like this it will only send you further into the deep end and make it harder to critically think about your own feelings.

thank you so much. that was so validating and i genuinely mean it.

It can. Look up PMDD. I have PMDD and it makes me even more suicidal. It's worst in the two weeks before my period.

i looked it up, honestly i wouldn't dismiss it as a possibility!

Have you ever tried talking to someone about how you feel?

It doesn't sound like suicide is a reasonable option right now for you based on what you have said. Ambivalence about living warrants exploration of that feeling. You owe it to yourself to do that.

it's a bit complicated, even though i know there are multiple people that i would trust enough to talk to, they're struggling with their own problems and therapy isn't available to me rn. thank you though!

 

[Gangrel]

depression is know to come and go in waves

 

[camusfan_ig]

when i started hanging out with people more like me (thank goodness for that!) i started feeling like i wasn't "traumatised" enough and suddenly my feelings started flaring up again.

So if I'm understanding correctly, it seems like a part of your brain wants to "fit in" more with you friends (who are more "traumatized" than you are, prehaps you feel like your own trauma and experiences aren't valid when compared to theirs) so it's causing these feelings to flare again. That's what I'm understanding anyway, feel free to correct me ^^; maybe that feeling of "not being enough" triggers those feelings?