Venting Don't want to die but can't stop thinking about suicide

[hahafunny123]

tldr: I know I don't want to kill myself, but I get daily suicidal thoughts. I'm unable to receive any help.
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I don't have suicidal thoughts when I'm mentally stable; I only get them when I'm emotionally unstable.
The problem is that I get emotionally unstable everyday.
I think the right decision is to receive help since I know I don't actually want to kill myself, but having to deal with emotional distress everyday is getting annoying.

However, I can't even receive help because:
1. My parents will find out.
2. I'm not willing to open up about the reason I'm suicidal.
3. Not sure if it'll help.

Parents finding out:
I'm 18 and I'm still in high school so I can't really ask for help in my school without notifying them. I've used suicidal hotlines to no avail.
Last time my parents found out I was suicidal, things got extremely awkward and I lost a lot of freedom. I couldn't lock the bathroom, and they took off the door to my room.
I think my parents finding out will tremendously worsen my mental state.

Not willing to open up:
I monumentally fucked up and lost a best friend because of it.
I think it's extremely shameful and pathetic to be suicidal because of a person.
I can open up about anything else besides this.

Not sure if it'll help:
I've never been institutionalized, but my friends have said it didn't help.
Talking to a counselor or therapist hasn't helped much either. It's not like I don't open up to them- I just don't think that anything they say helps me. What's the point of risking my parents finding out if it's not even guaranteed to help? I'm probably only hanging on because of my medications (taking them for OCD and ADHD).

 

[Kittywuzhere.]

Tbh if u have any apprehension at all DON'T do it the only situation where ctb is the answer is when u have literally nothing to live for and it's in a constant clear state of mind your suicidal, if ur friend's aren't willing to be there for u at ur worst they ain't real friends, i've been institutionalized twice and honestly it depends on the hospital, my experience was great but my friend's experience at another hospital was a living nightmare. Your feeling are valid and not at all pathetic and I understand where ur coming from bc my mom did the same thing when my attempt failed but i think the best advice someone ever gave me is to trust ppl and open up, someone out there is willing to listen.