prone2fury
i have pretty hair
- Feb 4, 2023
- 64
I recently was able to pick up a few basic makeup products and attempt to make myself look less ugly than normal for the first time (I'm a trans woman 2y/hrt). Everyone always says to experiment and have fun with it, but just about every second of doing it is just depressing. With makeup, there's an infinite number of ways you can fuck up your look with a single errant movement, which means you have to move everything else the fuck around and use up more and more product, which wastes more and more money. It's like learning to walk if each failed step was a reminder that I was born a man.
Of course, I'm one of the lucky ones to already have been kinda femmy before I transitioned. But even still, I can't make my looks work beyond simple eyeliner and mascara. That leaves the entire rest of my face bare and normal looking and incomplete. I don't know which one of my foundations will work, which are expired, which aren't my shade, my fucking god damn shade. I don't know if my primer is for my skin type or whatever the fuck. I don't understand color theory. I don't have enough money to drive all the way to sephora, ask their staff to foundation match my stupid tranny face, and buy their expensive fucking products that i'll fuck up putting on.
What an expressive creative experience. I feel so validated and appreciative of my natural features as well as my beautiful artistry. "Get creative and have fun" they fucking said. I have to keep from launching the keyboard across the room just thinking about it. On what planet do these people live? Could I have a visa, if it's no trouble?
The reason it is fun for them and not for me is not because I was born a man. I tell myself it is, but it isn't. Plenty of men wear makeup and end up looking prettier than I ever could. No, the reason is that I am so easily disheartened and have no strong principles beyond seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. Any adversity to my actions is a reason to give up and try again in another month. If you ask me I never should have been born and am actively wasting resources that could be going to more deserving people. If anything bad happens I think about killing myself. When small things go wrong I get angry and just go fucking lay down for 30 minutes. I feel like a wart on society and the gender I pathetically and disrespectully attempt to imitate. Transitioning was a bad idea, and I would've saved a lot of headache, money, and blood by just repressing it and being a femboy or something.
Sorry for the essay. Don't feel terribly beautiful or uplifted by my natural femininity. This is a horrible world and (forgive the drama) I cannot ever see my parents the same way because they brought me into it. Hate the person I am now that let depression kill everything. I sometimes pray to whatever higher being who will listen to make me die somehow, soon. Thanks for reading if you did. I hope my last days will be comfortable.
Of course, I'm one of the lucky ones to already have been kinda femmy before I transitioned. But even still, I can't make my looks work beyond simple eyeliner and mascara. That leaves the entire rest of my face bare and normal looking and incomplete. I don't know which one of my foundations will work, which are expired, which aren't my shade, my fucking god damn shade. I don't know if my primer is for my skin type or whatever the fuck. I don't understand color theory. I don't have enough money to drive all the way to sephora, ask their staff to foundation match my stupid tranny face, and buy their expensive fucking products that i'll fuck up putting on.
What an expressive creative experience. I feel so validated and appreciative of my natural features as well as my beautiful artistry. "Get creative and have fun" they fucking said. I have to keep from launching the keyboard across the room just thinking about it. On what planet do these people live? Could I have a visa, if it's no trouble?
The reason it is fun for them and not for me is not because I was born a man. I tell myself it is, but it isn't. Plenty of men wear makeup and end up looking prettier than I ever could. No, the reason is that I am so easily disheartened and have no strong principles beyond seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. Any adversity to my actions is a reason to give up and try again in another month. If you ask me I never should have been born and am actively wasting resources that could be going to more deserving people. If anything bad happens I think about killing myself. When small things go wrong I get angry and just go fucking lay down for 30 minutes. I feel like a wart on society and the gender I pathetically and disrespectully attempt to imitate. Transitioning was a bad idea, and I would've saved a lot of headache, money, and blood by just repressing it and being a femboy or something.
Sorry for the essay. Don't feel terribly beautiful or uplifted by my natural femininity. This is a horrible world and (forgive the drama) I cannot ever see my parents the same way because they brought me into it. Hate the person I am now that let depression kill everything. I sometimes pray to whatever higher being who will listen to make me die somehow, soon. Thanks for reading if you did. I hope my last days will be comfortable.
I believe you, and your feelings are completely valid.
