Venting Does suicidal ideation ever truly goes away?

[leaftomb]

I've had suicidal ideation for years now, but I always convinced myself something would take it away from me. Maybe I just need to leave this school. Maybe I just need to leave this town. Maybe I just need to go out and experience things, make a friend or two. Now, I am finally away from the town I've spent my entire life in, I'm going out, meeting people, even making friends. But everything still brings me back to suicide. I can't do anything without somehow being reminded that I will kill myself in the end and it won't matter anymore. I have to admit I find some strange comfort in imagining my death, but I did have some hope this feeling would go away once I got what I wanted. Maybe I need more time, or maybe I will always feel like this now. I've thought of suicide so much already that I won't ever be able to take it out of my mind unless I do it, or something else takes me first. I don't know what to do.

 

[WonderWhatsOutThere]

It's possible that some external factor will take it away from you, it did for me temporally. But I've dealt with suicidal thoughts my whole life and all I can say (from my personal experience) is that it will never fully leave you. Do things that prevent them from overtaking you, not to fully get rid of them. Exercise, meditate, engage in hobbies, practice mindfulness, etc. I just hope it doesn't eventually take so much away form you that you're left unable to fix anything in your life, like it did me.

Wishing you the best

 

[SomewhereAlongThe]

I remember leaving my apartment for school one day, and just wanting to jump off a building and die. My mom and I had fought like usual. So I went to the top of this building and found the roof access locked, unfortunately. I broke down crying. I was around 12 years old. Since then I struggled with suicidal ideation. I stuck a pipe cleaner in an outlet one time. Tried to fall asleep with a bag over my head. Threatened to jump in front of a train. Sliced my arm open. I've had a rough upbringing living in foster care and group homes. Life never felt made for me. These days it's all that much clearer, I have no abilities that shine through and give me direction in life. I'm a loser who watches tv all day. Yet, luckily I've managed to finally get my hands on inert gas and I plan to use it. So to answer your question, for the most part, suicidal ideation sticks with you because we suffer with a lot of internal problems external solutions don't necessarily fix. Most of the time external factors can make things worse, but I find time and change to these factors doesn't necessarily make the internal war go away. Internally we are facing a monster that comes out and waves at us, summoning us so that he can speak sweet nothings into our ears. It's confusing, because he's a monster yet we're so persuaded by him. He grows with us, adapts to us, changes us, and welcomes us like nothing else has ever. This monster is suicidal ideation and I stopped calling him a monster, now he's my friend. Real friends never really go away.

 

[MatiSendiri]

I've had suicidal ideation for years now, but I always convinced myself something would take it away from me. Maybe I just need to leave this school. Maybe I just need to leave this town. Maybe I just need to go out and experience things, make a friend or two. Now, I am finally away from the town I've spent my entire life in, I'm going out, meeting people, even making friends. But everything still brings me back to suicide. I can't do anything without somehow being reminded that I will kill myself in the end and it won't matter anymore. I have to admit I find some strange comfort in imagining my death, but I did have some hope this feeling would go away once I got what I wanted. Maybe I need more time, or maybe I will always feel like this now. I've thought of suicide so much already that I won't ever be able to take it out of my mind unless I do it, or something else takes me first. I don't know what to do.

Time is the forgotten ingredients in recovery. Take your time, find your own peace first, then deal with your suicidal ideation if you need be.

For me, the ideation can go away but its so hard that its better to make it your friend. Ever heard of chronic suicidality?

 

[MyShadow]

Thanks to depression I've dealt with suicidal ideation for most of my life then discovered that I had a purpose in life and that was protecting my sons. Now they are gone, along with everything else. So today, I spent the day sourcing the materials that I will use for my suicide method.

 

[hmnow]

hasn't for me - it just comes in waves - sometimes strong sometimes weak but there is always an undertow

 

[usernamesarehard]

For some yes, for others no. My ex was suicidal and from what he told me he doesn't have those thoughts anymore. Personally, I can't see them ever going away for me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, I doubt it. I've had ideation for 35 years. It feels a part of my personality.

Maybe it depends on how we experience these thoughts too. They were only really intrusive for me the first couple of times I had them. I very quickly started to see them as a reasonable response to my life at the time. Then, they even became a source of comfort. That if things really became too overwhelming, I would allow myself that escape.

I can't see how life will ever not be fraught with dangers and problems. Why would I even want to exist in such a place without reassuring myself there was an exit from it? All be it, surrounded by mines and barbed wire.

To think that I had to stay here- no matter what, I imagine would make me feel even worse! It's hard enough as it is- feeling we need to hold on for other people and that we'll likely have to suffer pain and fear and some brutal and/ or unreliable CTB method. But, to have no way out at all asides from when nature or God grants us some possibly horrible end wouldn't make life easier at all.

 

[Liseli]

Once society poisens you it will follow you. For me it's like a habit at this point. I too similar to you, moved out and everything, but the thoughts remain. It hard to undo or even impossible years and years of scaring