Venting does anyone else just go from like 0 to -100 instantly sometimes

[coolgal82]

im so tired of it. like earlier i was just browing 4tran and i saw something i meant to reply to and like at the time i felt decent i was vibing then suddenly just thinking of what to reply sent me into the fucking "who am i? are my feelings real? have i just made all of this up? etc etc" spiral and now im here with a few new cuts on my thigh and i feel fucking awful. all over literally just trying to think of what to reply like it can just be the tiniest shit like this or even nothing at all sometimes tbh. i miss my besties i wish they were here rn. i want them to just like look at my entire life and tell me like what everything means and who i am and whats wrong with me and just save me from everything.

 

[Wrath]

Related. I try to go about my day without setting myself off. Which then sometimes sets me off on a week long mental breakdown when I realize how hopeless I am. Even replying to stuff here is hard.

 

[coolgal82]

ok the upside to this is i can go from that breakdown to feeling happy just cus my besties hop on vc lmao

 

[Clam]

Definitely, I can be on the brightest side for an hour, or just 5 minutes, or even the whole day! But every time something happens that I can't identify that just leaves me in some weird state where everyone is far from me and it's just hard, makes me question everything and just lose me in myself, I really really hate it. Today I was in a car ride really happy, listening to some music and everything just went away in a second, just felt tired and started thinking, so I went in here. You're definitely not alone on this.

 

[Namelesa]

Yeah, my emotions are like this too. Something little like one thing said to me or a slight reminder to a previous memory can just make me immediately go into anxiety attack or depressive state or make me feel intense guilt or rage. This can go the other way as well by something little making me go manic, excited, happy or content.

You questioning yourself sounds like dissociation or derealization. Some times I can go into dissociation and derealization and feel like I am not even connected to my body and question who I am and feel so vulnerable, scared and small cus the world suddenly feels so big.

 

[coolgal82]

Yeah, my emotions are like this too. Something little like one thing said to me or a slight reminder to a previous memory can just make me immediately go into anxiety attack or depressive state or make me feel intense guilt or rage. This can go the other way as well by something little making me go manic, excited, happy or content.

You questioning yourself sounds like dissociation or derealization. Some times I can go into dissociation and derealization and feel like I am not even connected to my body and question who I am and feel so vulnerable, scared and small cus the world suddenly feels so big.

i dont think its really like dissociation/derealization or anything its not like "is it real" as in "does it even happen" or "does reality exist" or disconnection from reality its more like "am i misunderstanding my feelings?" and "am i just making them up for attention subconsciously?" and "am i just misremembering stuff?" also like classic "who am i" type stuff idk

idk theres more i could go into but like idk yeah its also linked to me having a bad memory (especially remembering how i felt duying whatever moment other than just like simply "i felt this i guess but i dont fully remember what it felt like") so i dont really remember stuff i did/felt so im like "how do i act? do i act like this? am i this? or am i that? or is that caused by this? or is that caused by another thing? does this count as that?" etc etc also just like poor understanding of myself kinda i think? i dont even know if thats right lmao

 

[endofline2010]

Drake does :)

 

[coolgal82]

i dont think its really like dissociation/derealization or anything its not like "is it real" as in "does it even happen" or "does reality exist" or disconnection from reality its more like "am i misunderstanding my feelings?" and "am i just making them up for attention subconsciously?" and "am i just misremembering stuff?" also like classic "who am i" type stuff idk

idk theres more i could go into but like idk yeah its also linked to me having a bad memory (especially remembering how i felt duying whatever moment other than just like simply "i felt this i guess but i dont fully remember what it felt like") so i dont really remember stuff i did/felt so im like "how do i act? do i act like this? am i this? or am i that? or is that caused by this? or is that caused by another thing? does this count as that?" etc etc also just like poor understanding of myself kinda i think? i dont even know if thats right lmao

also its like sometimes im certain on something then i can be questioning it or be certain of the opposite just the next hour/day

also like honestly i kinda have no idea who i am in general like my personality just changes/shifts constantly i think like partially its adhd with my interests constantly changing with my hyperfixations but its also other beliefs/moral things or whatever that change both randomly and also based on my main friendgroup at the same time kinda? and at the same time i feel like i dont really fit any definable like "archetype" or whatever so idk? and i also really hate that cus i just dk who i am really

 

[futurebuscatcher]

I get it. Sometimes even a text from a friend that feels off even if it isn't makes me want to end it all

 

[Namelesa]

also its like sometimes im certain on something then i can be questioning it or be certain of the opposite just the next hour/day

also like honestly i kinda have no idea who i am in general like my personality just changes/shifts constantly i think like partially its adhd with my interests constantly changing with my hyperfixations but its also other beliefs/moral things or whatever that change both randomly and also based on my main friendgroup at the same time kinda? and at the same time i feel like i dont really fit any definable like "archetype" or whatever so idk? and i also really hate that cus i just dk who i am really

This sounds you have an unstable self image which causes morals and values to change. This and what your other threads have mentioned about have a lot of similarities with the symptoms of BPD which could suggest you have it. I think I have it as well and am I trying to get a diagnosis but mental health help with NHS is poop.

 

[coolgal82]

This sounds you have an unstable self image which causes morals and values to change. This and what your other threads have mentioned about have a lot of similarities with the symptoms of BPD which could suggest you have it. I think I have it as well and am I trying to get a diagnosis but mental health help with NHS is poop.

i am really not beating the allegations huh
tbh im still not sure if its just that or like adhd+autism combo with maybe other stuff but im also trying to get atleast tested but yeah fuck the nhs lmao

 

[coolgal82]

i am really not beating the allegations huh
tbh im still not sure if its just that or like adhd+autism combo with maybe other stuff but im also trying to get atleast tested but yeah fuck the nhs lmao

honestly though i forgor to add this cus i was in the middle of something but thats one of the things i go back and forth on so much but idk i just dont see how it could be that like i have no trauma really my parents are awesome i love them and no one else has done anything bad really (the only bad thing was maybe school but it wasnt that bad? just average autism+undiagnosed adhd experience and like i didnt get meds for adhd for a while but even then there were still autism meltdowns i think i dont really remember honestly? but like the school didnt have anything adequate to like handle it or do anything and my parents tried to move me but couldnt lmao. well that was primary school then secondary i got kicked out pretty fast and had no school for a bit then had a tutor who was awesome (even if our relationship started with me threatening to cut him and bathe him in lemon juice or something lmao) and did alot for me but then he died like right before i went into a school that could meet my autism/adhd needs better even if not perfect but couldnt meet my educational needs which im still really mad about) and no one in my family that i know of has it (my parents dont) and afaik dont have a history of it so like it cant just appear out of nowhere

kind of a yapfest but yeah

 

[Namelesa]

honestly though i forgor to add this cus i was in the middle of something but thats one of the things i go back and forth on so much but idk i just dont see how it could be that like i have no trauma really my parents are awesome i love them and no one else has done anything bad really (the only bad thing was maybe school but it wasnt that bad? just average autism+undiagnosed adhd experience and like i didnt get meds for adhd for a while but even then there were still autism meltdowns i think i dont really remember honestly? but like the school didnt have anything adequate to like handle it or do anything and my parents tried to move me but couldnt lmao. well that was primary school then secondary i got kicked out pretty fast and had no school for a bit then had a tutor who was awesome (even if our relationship started with me threatening to cut him and bathe him in lemon juice or something lmao) and did alot for me but then he died like right before i went into a school that could meet my autism/adhd needs better even if not perfect but couldnt meet my educational needs which im still really mad about) and no one in my family that i know of has it (my parents dont) and afaik dont have a history of it so like it cant just appear out of nowhere

kind of a yapfest but yeah

You can still have a mental illness even if you haven't went through any big trauma. There is also the possibility of you not remembering something bad that has happened to you. I would say I have okay parents and haven't been abused or neglected but I know I have suffered greatly from school and people leaving me even if some other people could tolerate those things.

 

[ketamoeba]

this is such a big fucking issue for me. its like im constantly tip toeing on the edge of whatever im not feeling. i wish i knew how to stop it. i dont know how long either end of the scale is gonna last and theres never any inbetween either.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I'm like this, too. Sometimes I just feel like things are falling apart and that I can't handle it. The feeling of not being able to handle it is the worst. Other times I feel like things will work out because that's just what they do. However, when I feel bad it is really, really bad. I do wish all the time that it would end.

 

[coolgal82]

You can still have a mental illness even if you haven't went through any big trauma. There is also the possibility of you not remembering something bad that has happened to you. I would say I have okay parents and haven't been abused or neglected but I know I have suffered greatly from school and people leaving me even if some other people could tolerate those things.

yeah but like idk everything ive seen about bpd says it needs either severe trauma or a genetic thing or both (usually both) so idk

idk i just dont get it like a few days ago i was up just looking into it like "hmm maybe i do have it?" and considering it now its just back to "no i probably dont" and i just have no fucking idea at this point its so tiring

especially cus i feel like some of the stuff atleast only started fairly recently? i think? maybe it didnt? i have no fucking idea? but some of it feels like it did so what if i did just make it up subconsciously?

i mean thats also weird because idk the same thing kinda happened with my gender dysphoria. i was fine and just chilling till like 16 i was happy (somehow) then that hit and boom gender dysphoria suddenly and then suddenly im like "no wait yeah everything fucking sucks wtf" and its just been more and more issues since then.c everything was literally fine before then other than a few blips

 

[to fall to winter]

I get it. I was perfectly happy about five minutes ago but now I feel worse than I have in maybe a month, not really any reason why.

 

[coolgal82]

im ngl after making this post i went to super happy and now i feel like shit againlmao

 

[yxmux]

for me it's more like 0 to 2+3i. my feelings are in a completely different and unreachable dimension.

 

[CatLvr]

God yes!! It can be exhausting!

 

[LURKMOAR]

4tran

Not visiting racist, toxic websites would be a start

 

[coolgal82]

Not visiting racist, toxic websites would be a start

nah the /lgbt/ board is pretty chill
also thats irrelevant to any of this lmao

 

[LURKMOAR]

nah the /lgbt/ board is pretty chill
also thats irrelevant to any of this lmao

I really don't know that to be true and I don't want to see for myself. All I know is that anyone regularly going onto an overall extremist website, even if to lurk a more tame subforum, would be apathetic to the surrounding extremism at best, and harbouring those views themselves at worst. These people are not safe for a transgender woman to surround herself with. You would be better off joining a normie transfemme community literally anywhere else on the Internet.

 

[coolgal82]

I really don't know that to be true and I don't want to see for myself. All I know is that anyone regularly going onto an overall extremist website, even if to lurk a more tame subforum, would be apathetic to the surrounding extremism at best, and harbouring those views themselves at worst. These people are not safe for a transgender woman to surround herself with. You would be better off joining a normie transfemme community literally anywhere else on the Internet.

no thanks im fine on 4tran, leave me alone. its plenty safe and im not "apathetic to the surrounding extremism" that shit is on the other boards and is why i avoid those boards. now please leave me alone.

 

[belly.up4good]

im so tired of it. like earlier i was just browing 4tran and i saw something i meant to reply to and like at the time i felt decent i was vibing then suddenly just thinking of what to reply sent me into the fucking "who am i? are my feelings real? have i just made all of this up? etc etc" spiral and now im here with a few new cuts on my thigh and i feel fucking awful. all over literally just trying to think of what to reply like it can just be the tiniest shit like this or even nothing at all sometimes tbh. i miss my besties i wish they were here rn. i want them to just like look at my entire life and tell me like what everything means and who i am and whats wrong with me and just save me from everything.

I feel this a bit, when I'm distracted I'm fine, but as soon as I start thinking about what's bothering me, I feel awful again. Worst part is I think about it the entire day non-stop, and I just shut down, I don't feel motivated to keep trying or do anything good for myself. It's a little different for me, or maybe you totally relate, but I change my mind fast so quickly. I will go back and forth on going through with something, or changing my views, anything.. I can be really happy too and be like yes, I shoud live, I should pursue this, there is hope in the world! I honestly wonder if I'm bi-polar, and I've been told yes and no, but of course they're not in my head. It just feels like I'm going crazy, and I can't decide if I hate or love people, if I should stand my ground or bend for people, it stunts me from having even one normal day. I'm sorry that's happening to you.

 

[coolgal82]

I feel this a bit, when I'm distracted I'm fine, but as soon as I start thinking about what's bothering me, I feel awful again. Worst part is I think about it the entire day non-stop, and I just shut down, I don't feel motivated to keep trying or do anything good for myself. It's a little different for me, or maybe you totally relate, but I change my mind fast so quickly. I will go back and forth on going through with something, or changing my views, anything.. I can be really happy too and be like yes, I shoud live, I should pursue this, there is hope in the world! I honestly wonder if I'm bi-polar, and I've been told yes and no, but of course they're not in my head. It just feels like I'm going crazy, and I can't decide if I hate or love people, if I should stand my ground or bend for people, it stunts me from having even one normal day. I'm sorry that's happening to you.

i do the changing mind thing sometimes with some things but like its kinda different idk? its not that fast but its usually like sometimes i believe one thing as like a core belief and then it just kinda changes randomly, usually depending on like who im around/my main friend group at the time/spaces im in/shit like that? idk.

i also do it for like loving/hating people sometimes but its rare like i love my besties most of the time but then randomly sometimes (well usually something triggers it) its like "no i actually hate them" for like a day then i go to sleep and when i wake up i like them again (and then i feel super guilty for hating them because theyre awesome)

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

im so tired of it. like earlier i was just browing 4tran and i saw something i meant to reply to and like at the time i felt decent i was vibing then suddenly just thinking of what to reply sent me into the fucking "who am i? are my feelings real? have i just made all of this up? etc etc" spiral and now im here with a few new cuts on my thigh and i feel fucking awful. all over literally just trying to think of what to reply like it can just be the tiniest shit like this or even nothing at all sometimes tbh. i miss my besties i wish they were here rn. i want them to just like look at my entire life and tell me like what everything means and who i am and whats wrong with me and just save me from everything.

i can relate.. something completely innocuous and even cute can give me flight or fight response. i start to question my entire life for no reason. i realize i don't understand anything and i get scared. it happens all the time.

 

[belly.up4good]

i do the changing mind thing sometimes with some things but like its kinda different idk? its not that fast but its usually like sometimes i believe one thing as like a core belief and then it just kinda changes randomly, usually depending on like who im around/my main friend group at the time/spaces im in/shit like that? idk.

i also do it for like loving/hating people sometimes but its rare like i love my besties most of the time but then randomly sometimes (well usually something triggers it) its like "no i actually hate them" for like a day then i go to sleep and when i wake up i like them again (and then i feel super guilty for hating them because theyre awesome)

Ah like changing yourself for other people, me too, it sucks because I'm not my true self. I'm sorry about the love-hate relationship. I also feel really guilty, even if it's for people that treat me badly. I hope it gets better for you. Sometimes I look up 'how to deal with (insert mental illness)' even if I don't have it, sometimes the suggestions are helpful, since it's more specific/not typical advice.