Does anyone else have this issue?!

[dime4everr]

I was feeling at my worse a couple days ago, I felt anxious to ctb so I decided to visit my family for the last time, in the mix I didn't feel like getting up I stayed for days not having the urge to get up because I knew if I went back to my dorm I was going to ctb. Don't have the energy to get up and don't have any motivation whatsoever but being around really shows me my family cares about me a lot, not that it matters to my reason to not ctb but I'm curious if anyone has this bipolar mindset where it switches to very very bad intentions to moderate okay intentions. Honestly I've been through this same cycle and I'm tired of it but everytime I'm doing ok I don't have the energy or thought process to ctb.

 

[DanLip22]

I was feeling at my worse a couple days ago, I felt anxious to ctb so I decided to visit my family for the last time, in the mix I didn't feel like getting up I stayed for days not having the urge to get up because I knew if I went back to my dorm I was going to ctb. Don't have the energy to get up and don't have any motivation whatsoever but being around really shows me my family cares about me a lot, not that it matters to my reason to not ctb but I'm curious if anyone has this bipolar mindset where it switches to very very bad intentions to moderate okay intentions. Honestly I've been through this same cycle and I'm tired of it but everytime I'm doing ok I don't have the energy or thought process to ctb.

This is what's kept me from committing for years. I hate my life, and I know I hate my life, but whenever I get close to doing it the voice in my brain tells me "Oh but maybe things will improve one day...". I know those chances are very low but for some reason I still listen to that voice. My SN got delivered yesterday, and now that I have the option to ctb any night of my choosing, that voice keeps getting stronger.

 

[dime4everr]

This is what's kept me from committing for years. I hate my life, and I know I hate my life, but whenever I get close to doing it the voice in my brain tells me "Oh but maybe things will improve one day...". I know those chances are very low but for some reason I still listen to that voice. My SN got delivered yesterday, and now that I have the option to ctb any night of my choosing, that voice keeps getting stronger.

100% can I ask why you are going through ideations?

 

[DanLip22]

100% can I ask why you are going through ideations?

I have a lot of reasons to be honest. I had an abusive childhood which led me to develop cptsd which ruined my chances of having a normal life. As a result of it I have abysmal social skills/anxiety (which caused great bullying at school - I was the "weird kid" in my year) and suffer from anhedonia. I'm also generally unattractive and am 5'4 despite being a man. All of those things together just give me no motivation to live. I still live with my abusive father and the economy in my country is awful so there's no chances of me getting my own apartment or anything. What about you?

 

[dime4everr]

I have a lot of reasons to be honest. I had an abusive childhood which led me to develop cptsd which ruined my chances of having a normal life. As a result of it I have abysmal social skills/anxiety (which caused great bullying at school - I was the "weird kid" in my year) and suffer from anhedonia. I'm also generally unattractive and am 5'4 despite being a man. All of those things together just give me no motivation to live. I still live with my abusive father and the economy in my country is awful so there's no chances of me getting my own apartment or anything. What about you?

I feel you, I would say I had a very strange life because of my decision making. Everything fell apart my high school years. I isolated myself and never had real friends during that time, in the mist of me self isolating I obtained social anxiety and a hatred for people which then gave me a speech impediment. Graduated with no friends, went into college with the same issues… over came those issues my junior year and still gained no friends… now in my senior year going in my last year with zero friends. The loneliness is unbearable.

 

[DanLip22]

I feel you, I would say I had a very strange life because of my decision making. Everything fell apart my high school years. I isolated myself and never had real friends during that time, in the mist of me self isolating I obtained social anxiety and a hatred for people which then gave me a speech impediment. Graduated with no friends, went into college with the same issues… over came those issues my junior year and still gained no friends… now in my senior year going in my last year with zero friends. The loneliness is unbearable.

I'm going into my last year aswell. I hope you find peace. Hopefully I will ctb Saturday night

 

[dime4everr]

I'm going into my last year aswell. I hope you find peace. Hopefully I will ctb Saturday night

I don't promote ctb to others but I hope everything gets better for you.

 

[Violetorchid]

Yes. This was the last straw for me. I'm stuck in this limbo situation. I'm at my family's place now, most of the time just lying in bed and just getting up to go to the bathroom or for food. Some days I've been up to watch tv and tried to live normally, but I fall back in depression... It is apathy at this point. I just feel empty, I don't even want to cry anymore most days. The situation feels completely surreal, yet there is no way to escape it and have the life I wanted to. Everything is ruined. I might get fired because I don't respond to clients at work. I go to therapists but it's just to please my parents and because it's so damn hard to actually CTB, so I have no choice. But I really want to isolate myself in my room for the rest of my life. With the rise of remote work and online freelancer jobs, I can manage. If only I didn't have so much debt from my studies that I can't. fucking. finish!!! I've delayed my master dissertation for 2 years, and I'm utterly trapped at this point. The recent situation ruined all my motivation, especially because it reminds me of my ex since it's his language
I was supposed to get a master and work in languages, it was my big passion, maybe even moving to this country. But now my dream is ruined, I don't want to be reminded of it anymore because it makes me feel hopeless and depressed.
I know my mind is probably not thinking clearly because I'm malnourished and depressed, but I'm just so exhausted at this point. I feel anxiety and panic rising thinking about it, but this time I am so close to actually planning to CTB. I've never attempted before, mostly because I'm a lazy coward, but also because of my amazing family, who have been nothing but loving and supportive. I know it will hurt them so incredibly bad if I go through with it, but I don't want to live like this anymore, convincing myself that I'm fine with this existence. I wish I could just delete the last three years from my memory because this situation turned into my worst nightmare yet for everyone else I will just seem over-dramatic. But combined with everything else I've had to go through being autistic, bullied, depressed and feeling like a miserable failure for years, it's too much for me now. It hurts so much knowing I can never have what I wanted, but was so close to having. Just because of circumstances I can't control. Fuck this life, sincerely. I just have to be brave and strong enough to overcome SI and just fucking do it so I don't have to suffer anymore.