does anyone else feel excited when they think of suicide

[depthss]

when I plan, visualize, or seriously contemplate suicide, i get kind of excited. maybe something akin to giddiness. especially if i have a method available, as i do now. it takes a lot to restrain myself, which i do because there is a person i would hate to upset.
i feel suicidal when i am miserable, but more often, i feel suicidal when i am happy. and it feels so much like a compulsion, i dont really understand it at all. more often again, i feel miserable because i have not committed suicide, as opposed to wanting to commit because i am miserable.
please let me know if any of you can relate, and if you know why you feel that way. because i have no idea why i feel this.
it is more of a genuine desire to just die. not "i dont want to die but i have no other options", i just genuinely want to die

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No. I would feel so happy if I had SN and an anti emetic in my hands as then I could actually have a way out of here. However, I unfortunately can't obtain these things due to me living with strict parents and not understanding a lot of basic things due to my autism (as well as the fact that I can't really get helped with these basic things because assisting somebody with suicide is a crime). Because I don't see a way for me to ctb, I don't feel happy. I instead feel terrified and I'm in immense pain every second I think about it. Even typing this hurts so much as I have to push through an immense headache caused by this realisation just to type it here. It hurts so much, it really does

 

[rocketman99]

can't relate at all. I don't want to die, but my life is unliveable. I also feel massive guilt about the effect my suicide will have on family.

 

[Monad]

Nope. I don't want to die, I just want the pain to end.

I will say, thinking about nonexistence does sound very peaceful.

 

[coolgal82]

i think i've had the same sometimes but idk

 

[Eudaimonic]

No. I just feel empty regardless.

 

[ThePurger]

I enjoy knowing my life can end just like that but I hate fact that I have gotten to a stage where suicide is a serious consideration.

 

[Nothing Left]

No, it pisses me off that I allowed myself to succumb to being such a fucking loser that I would need to resort to suicide.

 

[ssspadbye]

For me, it's not so much joy as a huge relief, just the thought of it - which almost has a reaction akin to bliss in my mind and body. Like just thinking of finally CTB and and visualising it happening just brings me an immense amount of relief and bliss. Like a floating sort of feeling.

 

[finishLana]

It terrifies me mostly because I, like many of us, want death to be as peaceful as falling asleep. Scared that something can go wrong and I might survive with damage or experience pain.

It sucks that I feel like being unalived is more attractive idea than withstanding the stress of life. I think suicide is sad af and I'd rather be a happy normie without ever thinking about death. Definitely not enthusiastic but the idea of not suffering from my own thoughts, depression, feeling like a failure seems like a relief.

 

[Unleashtherain]

No, I feel deeply saddened that life has brought me there.

 

[VaporSelf]

its a meh feeling

 

[noname37]

Yeah, it feels good, really good. If I was by myself entirely I would have already committed to the act

 

[L'absent]

No, I don't feel that way. The days preceding the suicide will be the days of joy. I will finally abandon this undesirable need. Because everything will end in an instant.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

horrible honestly other than when I'm extremely suicidal. I feel like its a punishment I'm enacting on myself. I am my own judge jury and executioner.

 

[LostLily]

Yup, it bring me a sense a power to visualize taking my own life

 

[JFED]

Yes. Maybe not giddiness as you mentioned but something close. A feeling of excitement and relief. I'm almost addicted to the feeling I get when I think about how and when I'm going to CTB.

 

[newstart2000]

No, I feel deeply saddened that life has brought me there.

Me too. Feel sad.

 

[yaa]

when I plan, visualize, or seriously contemplate suicide, i get kind of excited. maybe something akin to giddiness. especially if i have a method available, as i do now. it takes a lot to restrain myself, which i do because there is a person i would hate to upset.
i feel suicidal when i am miserable, but more often, i feel suicidal when i am happy. and it feels so much like a compulsion, i dont really understand it at all. more often again, i feel miserable because i have not committed suicide, as opposed to wanting to commit because i am miserable.
please let me know if any of you can relate, and if you know why you feel that way. because i have no idea why i feel this.
it is more of a genuine desire to just die. not "i dont want to die but i have no other options", i just genuinely want to die

I wish I was free

 

[shrizoid]

when I plan, visualize, or seriously contemplate suicide, i get kind of excited. maybe something akin to giddiness. especially if i have a method available, as i do now. it takes a lot to restrain myself, which i do because there is a person i would hate to upset.
i feel suicidal when i am miserable, but more often, i feel suicidal when i am happy. and it feels so much like a compulsion, i dont really understand it at all. more often again, i feel miserable because i have not committed suicide, as opposed to wanting to commit because i am miserable.
please let me know if any of you can relate, and if you know why you feel that way. because i have no idea why i feel this.
it is more of a genuine desire to just die. not "i dont want to die but i have no other options", i just genuinely want to die

The thought of never having to deal with the torture of life again does make me happy but i still can't go through with it sadly, I'm stuck here

 

[avalokitesvara]

Yes. I love thinking about it. It makes me feel calm and peaceful in a fuzzy way, almost a little high. I can almost get a little physically excited. I feel sorry for people who dread their death or feel sad about it. The only thing that makes me sad is thinking of the grief of people who love me. For myself I am happy. I want to leave life. I want to cease. I look forward to finally being in the final throes, I want to know finally what it's like to be nearing death and going over the edge.

 

[atre]

I remember me getting tingles all over my body when I learned and clarified that some chemicals which I initially thought to be strictly regulated were actually available to buy at where I live. It is a great comfort to have one or multiple methods as your back up.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Sometimes yeah, the idea in itself brings me relief and a sense of peace, but at the same time terrifies me.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I do sometimes. It's not consistent though. I have a whole mixture of feelings around it. The excitement comes more from passive ideation though for me. The idea of not having to deal with my life anymore. There are constantly problems, chores, expectations I simply don't want to deal with. There is a certain rebellious excitement when I think about leaving this utter shit show. Basically saying f*ck this life. I'm not dealing with it anymore.

Active ideation- picturing myself dying in detail isn't nice at all. I find that terrifying. I also feel resentful that I'm going to have to put myself through that if I truly want out. I don't think I'm going to feel excitement when the time comes. I think I'm going to feel fear. But, I'll have to overcome that with a determined resolve that I just need to do it or else, life will almost inevitably just get worse.

 

[foreverlanguish]

Sometimes, yes. Before I really plan using a method, I like looking at case reports regarding those who've CTB'd with that method for research, and every success or near success always gives me some sort of glimmer of hope and excitement. Problem is when I get all anxious I anticipate the worst case scenario and freak the heck out. But, scary as it sometimes is, I do often like thinking of myself dying everyday I think and going off to my ideal afterlife...

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Not at all, I feel horrible about ending my life and the impact it will have on my family. At best I am resigned to it.

 

[waterbed]

I enjoy the thought of having a plan in place that can stop this horrible thing called my life. I don't enjoy the guilt that comes with it, leaving family and friends behind.

 

[countdowntoecstasy]

I sometimes feel relieved while thinking about it, but I wouldn't say excited. It's sad so many of us have gotten to this point.

 

[outrider567]

No, not excited--But I was excited when the Nitrogen tank was delivered, my salvation, but that was years ago

 

[J&L383]

No, not excited--But I was excited when the Nitrogen tank was delivered, my salvation, but that was years ago

Glad you have your exit plan. Also glad you haven't left us all yet, it's also final!