bubbletea
Student
- Feb 18, 2019
- 138
so today I met up with a friend
And I feel like everyone plays a character.
This friend has completely adjusted to playing the character of the righteous one. He's been through bullying and unsupportive parents in the past, and now he's a med student that prides in helping others. He loves telling me what to do in terms of morality and how to be appreciative of everything we have in life (in a really self righteous, slightly condescending way)
And I am the perfect person for it because I play the victim. I totally play the character: "I've been so unfairly treated in the past by all these people and that's why I'm here now!" "I deserve this I deserve punishment!"
I feel like me even getting driven to come to the point of suicide is so fucking strange because I really feel like I don't want to in a way. I'm just pissed at my life situation and why I'm not living the life that I want to be living and I'm stuck being a victim of my past choices and circumstances. I'm also not sure if I can do anything to fucking change my life completely.
I was talking to my other friend about suicidal ideation and he said if you really wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't be planning for days looking for the best method, you would find any way to off yourself and quick. Which resonated to me in a way. If it was really fucking bad I wouldn't even care about the small percentage of failing or the discomfort it comes with it.
You know how people who were abused in their childhood find ways to repeat the same kind of suffering in their adult lives?
Like they're more likely to be with abusive partners or fall into addiction etc. Why the fuck would people want to suffer more when they've already gone through such a bad experience in their childhood? Yet they're the ones that choose their partners in adulthood.
I feel like we need to call out our subconscious mindset that leads us to make choices in the present that is actually stemmed from some kind of fucked up deficiency in our childhoods or role playing to satisfy the ego.
What the fuck does the ego want??
Maybe this topic doesn't belong in this thread but I think its important to discuss why the fuck we're suffering and how we got to suffering to the point we have to do something that goes against human instinct.
And I feel like everyone plays a character.
This friend has completely adjusted to playing the character of the righteous one. He's been through bullying and unsupportive parents in the past, and now he's a med student that prides in helping others. He loves telling me what to do in terms of morality and how to be appreciative of everything we have in life (in a really self righteous, slightly condescending way)
And I am the perfect person for it because I play the victim. I totally play the character: "I've been so unfairly treated in the past by all these people and that's why I'm here now!" "I deserve this I deserve punishment!"
I feel like me even getting driven to come to the point of suicide is so fucking strange because I really feel like I don't want to in a way. I'm just pissed at my life situation and why I'm not living the life that I want to be living and I'm stuck being a victim of my past choices and circumstances. I'm also not sure if I can do anything to fucking change my life completely.
I was talking to my other friend about suicidal ideation and he said if you really wanted to kill yourself, you wouldn't be planning for days looking for the best method, you would find any way to off yourself and quick. Which resonated to me in a way. If it was really fucking bad I wouldn't even care about the small percentage of failing or the discomfort it comes with it.
You know how people who were abused in their childhood find ways to repeat the same kind of suffering in their adult lives?
Like they're more likely to be with abusive partners or fall into addiction etc. Why the fuck would people want to suffer more when they've already gone through such a bad experience in their childhood? Yet they're the ones that choose their partners in adulthood.
I feel like we need to call out our subconscious mindset that leads us to make choices in the present that is actually stemmed from some kind of fucked up deficiency in our childhoods or role playing to satisfy the ego.
What the fuck does the ego want??
Maybe this topic doesn't belong in this thread but I think its important to discuss why the fuck we're suffering and how we got to suffering to the point we have to do something that goes against human instinct.
