Do you ever get the feeling that you actually enjoy life, but hate being part of it being >you<?

[rayless]

(this is mostly just a rant)

I sometimes think if, when I'm activelly wondering if I should ctb, is it because life is bad in nature and nothing's worth the innate suffering all of us will go through, or is it because of the frustration I go through for actually enjoying some parts of life and wanting to be in this world, but failing at every attempt to be at least average for it to be worthy.

It's terrible to don't know if I really know myself and, even less, the sources of my suffering.

At the moment I feel I just wish I was average, normal, in every aspect of my life, but I fail even at understanding and expressing what I really am and feel. I'm trying to finish a job I have to deliver tomorrow but I just can't, and I don't know why. It frustrates me so much to be unable to do simple, mundane things everyone can.

I'm tired of being abnormally apathetic, everything's so bland from the outside but these things take so much from my energy.

Has any of you been through the same conflict? The desire to be normal but the unability to be?

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Suffering is pretty much an innate part of life and nature, but some people do find enough things to be happy about that they feel like life is worth it. Personally I feel like depression and pessimism has become such an ingrained part of who I am that if I were to suddenly become "normal" and not depressed I wouldn't really be myself anymore.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hate enjoying life as "me" because I hate myself. I'd rather enjoy life as someone else.

 

[rationaltake]

I hate enjoying life as "me" because I hate myself. I'd rather enjoy life as someone else.

Bingo! If I had a body I didn't absolutely hate plus fortunate circumstances I could rock life.

 

[Sakura94]

I don't like modern society because of the surveillance and anti any semblance of privacy as I used to know it that exists now. I could be happier in a different body though easily. Maybe I'd join a commune or something x

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

…..yeah.