Venting do you also feel like an outsider? (within yourself)

[loslassen]

I know I labeled this as vent, such as I am going to vent, but I also want to open some space for discussion bc it comforts me listening to others' experiences, and I hope it opens a space for others to be sincere as well.

for a long time now, a time that I can't quite pinpoint in a calendar I have been feeling… displaced.

I feel like I don't truly belong anywhere or with anyone, which deeply saddens me because I have a relationship and friendships that I incredibly appreciate, love. but a lot of the time also I just feel like I'm never myself but a fraction, because when I start to show my broken side people in my life never know how to take it. sure, I get support, and it be honest I have to point out some friends have been more genuine than others in their way of advising me or listening to me. but I rather feel that it's a personal conflict within myself than a social thing.

sometimes I feel like I'm not real, I feel like I always filter myself EVEN around the people I'm not supposed to. the times I don't filter myself I come across as angry and upset, which truly embodies what I feel that I have been hiding for the longest time. I'm sad this happens a lot with my relationship but thankfully my partner has never blamed me for anything. still, I realize that me being myself/sad hurts them, so again, I end up filtering myself to not hurt others.

I feel like a complete failure, an outcast and even like some sort of skinwalker or liar. people in my life esteem me and look up to me a LOT, they admire me and love me, but if they knew how actually damaged and ugly and gross and a hypocrite I am I fear they'd just- pity me. the people that love me are loyal and genuine, but I'm afraid I'm not like that due to being so hateful against myself. I'm never even genuine about myself around them. I'm always masking and pretending to open up or be sincere, but there's so many things I regret being honest about and many others I will never reveal. I don't know why I'm like this, I just hate myself so much. there's many expectations I fail to meet everyday, still I don't burden others but others root for me to do the things I don't do and it often comes off to me as pressure- even if it's not ill intentioned from them. I don't know, I feel too mentally frail to try and even fix myself anymore, due to constantly being in a cycle of maybe lack of self forgiveness. but it would take for you to be in my shoes or understand just how damn unimportant my feelings feel. It drives me crazy.

 

[violetforever]

i feel like i can only truly be myself with one person in my life. i even told her earlier today that i self harm because we can tell each other everything. i wasn't looking for help but to just be able to tell someone that in a casual way without them freaking out. i was able to with her because that's how much i'm allowed to be open and understood in our friendship. it's so nice. this forum would be the second and only other place i can be myself. but yeah with everyone else i feel like i come off as angry or shy. angry with my family. shy with strangers. i have that "not real" and "disconnected" feeling from the world. i prefer to just keep to myself. i won't get close to anyone. i know i am probably the weird one but i like to observe other people for how weird they seem to me.

 

[OliverGarden]

I feel the same way. I'll never find somebody who I can truly be fully myself to - somebody who'll understand, and love me for it, and support me... all the while, without me having to worry about hurting them and pushing them away. I'm not made to be loved. I'm made to be murdered.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think I would feel like this if I was around other people. I think that's partly why I try to isolate so much. I don't want to have to mask the whole time. I spend such small amounts of time with people that I suppose for that period, I am able to access parts of who I was. I suppose it's good they are still there but they aren't who I am now.

I also think I would becone irritated if I were around people more. It does still happen if I am particularly tired or stressed. I'm far more likely to be (brutally) honest during those moments.

I suppose I do feel almost sorry for people feeling this way who have to be around family/ partners/ friends/ work colleagues- because I imagine it's in fact more lonely living like this. Having people around that you can't actually be yourself around. I imagine it must be exhausting too.

Not that I'm advocating for the reclusive lifestyle. I'm sure it's not healthy either.