Do I sound too woe is me?

[moldyara2002]

Essentially a drafted vent for right now. I write a lot, and then as I modify things over and over, eventually I condense it.

People don't really realize how little I kept going for. Or how socially isolated I really was for years. I only had work friends and my phone. I haven't hung out with a friend in almost 5 years. My medical records may say I am only diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, but where I am undiagnosed is more complex than that. But I won't start rattling the laundry list.

I kept staying for either spite for the people who would be happy if I killed myself, the bits of happiness I get from having the limited friends and affection I had , or for other little things like cool morning air, rainstorms in bed, comfy clothes, listening and dancing to my favorite songs and discovering new favorite songs. I never planned to live for a future, only the small happinesses I had for the short & very inhibited life I would be here for. But I always planned to kill myself at a specific moment in time once things started to fall away, to make sure I'm dead before it actually gets worse, save myself from the future. My heart intentions were not ever malicious nor angry. I have been treated with other's displaced hatred, judgement, misunderstood, not seen, subjected to their egos, insecurity, and other personal narratives, and vilified and torn down for it all my life. It's disgusting, but even knowing the treatment was wrongfully directed toward me, my heart is still very not tough.

The world was never for me. And I don't want much to do with it.

 

[whywere]

Reading this broke my heart. I have also through all the decades had people who judged me, looked down at me, folks who never took any time to get to know me ever, just instant judgment.

That is why this site is so important, as it is a place where we ALL can work together and understand each other.

One of the aspects that I have learned is that no matter what, some people will judge and I cannot do anything about ti, HOWEVER, that does not mean that I am going to let them drag me down to their level nor will I spend any time or effort on them, good bye!

Back in the 1970's I was given grief so VERY much because I did not "fit in" the mold of others, and guess what? Recently I ran into some of those people, we are all in our 70's in age and they are STILL in the same place 50 years later. Never have traveled, never have done anything BUT stay in their little world, judge others and have become irrelevant.

Karma? Do not know, but I know this part, those that spend their time and effort on others in so far as trying to belittle them only are wasting precious time and effort on nothing and in the future, they will be nothing.

So, and I know that it is damn hard to do, try NOT to listen, interact or anything with naysayers, as you are too intelligent, kind, caring and have such a bright future.

Walter

 

[moldyara2002]

Reading this broke my heart. I have also through all the decades had people who judged me, looked down at me, folks who never took any time to get to know me ever, just instant judgment.

That is why this site is so important, as it is a place where we ALL can work together and understand each other.

One of the aspects that I have learned is that no matter what, some people will judge and I cannot do anything about ti, HOWEVER, that does not mean that I am going to let them drag me down to their level nor will I spend any time or effort on them, good bye!

Back in the 1970's I was given grief so VERY much because I did not "fit in" the mold of others, and guess what? Recently I ran into some of those people, we are all in our 70's in age and they are STILL in the same place 50 years later. Never have traveled, never have done anything BUT stay in their little world, judge others and have become irrelevant.

Karma? Do not know, but I know this part, those that spend their time and effort on others in so far as trying to belittle them only are wasting precious time and effort on nothing and in the future, they will be nothing.

So, and I know that it is damn hard to do, try NOT to listen, interact or anything with naysayers, as you are too intelligent, kind, caring and have such a bright future.

Walter

Walter thank you so much for taking the time to write this very kind reply. I appreciate your kindness a lot, and I hope you are enjoying your night. Everything feels too complex, and too hurtful and unjust for me to handle at my level