Distrust of kindness

[Cloud Busting]

By all means, I've been described as a kind person. I'd gladly take the shirt off my back if I could. I live for others. I don't even understand what living for or valuing myself means.

Yet when people are nice to me, I assume some kind of ulterior motive. They're doing it for an ego boost- to look and/or feel like a good person- not because they care. They have an expectation or want some sort of favor. They'll hurt me eventually.

I almost prefer abuse to kindness (towards myself, not to others.) maybe I feel I'm undeserving?

I'd like to overcome this as I feel it impedes me a lot.

I don't know. Any practical tips or armchair diagnoses?

 

[U. A.]

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[Pluto]

 

[Cloud Busting]

[Hidden content]

What you wrote was perfectly coherent! Thanks for sharing.

The problem is my behavior has led to self sabotaging, missed opportunities, and seeing malicious intent that isn't actually there. I think it's good to be cautious but I don't know how to steer clear of paranoid territory.

I understand some people who cause harm have good intentions and don't mean to but the impact isn't good either. I'd argue the impact has more weight personally.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm assuming you feel this because of negative past experiences? I suspect that's usually how we learn to distrust- because it's safer.

I suppose ultimately, it is kind of safer too in a way. I try really hard not to rely on people now or, place expectations on them.

I don't think it necessarily means you need to think distrustfully of them in a bad way necessarily though. Not in terms of- they'll disappoint me because they dislike me or, they're trying to exploit me. I just think lots of people are flakey.

It can be disappointing but, we may prioritise them more than they would us so- there's that. Maybe they are genuinely wanting to be nice but, more like a fair weather friend. Not so much offering a friendship with substance. So- maybe that could be part of it. You hoping the friendship offered will be deeper than it actually is.

I imagine most exchanges in life are friendly though. I'm not so sure that's unusual as such. Quite often, we approach people because we do want something too. And, a friendly approach is more likely to end favourably. If it's friendship though- people have varying amounts to give I suppose. Maybe it's more about thinking about what you ideally want from people too and how likely it is they are after the same.

I'm not really one for a whole lot of fair weather friends so- I'll be polite and chat to someone who strikes up a conversation but- it's unlikely I'll be expecting more of them or, expecting them to expect more of me. So- maybe some of it is how much you're committing to something when they're not.

There again- maybe you are one of those exceptionally kind people that always end up getting treated like a mug. In which case- maybe you need to learn to politely say 'no' early on- when the favours start being requested. I've known really lovely people who just let themselves be used. I think sometimes, we need to work on maintaining our boundaries and stopping people taking the piss.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

You don't need a diagnosis or a cure. You're just honestly seeing reality. I have never had anyone be kind to me without an ulterior motive eventually becoming obvious.

 

[Cloud Busting]

You don't need a diagnosis or a cure. You're just honestly seeing reality. I have never had anyone be kind to me without an ulterior motive eventually becoming obvious.

Are you sure I'm seeing reality? Is everyone really out to get me or deceive me in some way? Will I be a disappointment to everyone I encounter?

For instance, I was offered vocal lessons and I want to say no because I'm afraid I'll fail and therefore I wasted their money. Like they aren't just doing this just because to be nice right? They must expect some sort of investment. And I feel like I'll only disappoint.

I never feel good accepting kind gestures… how realistic is that really? Is the world that black and white?