curiouscvnt
Member
- Nov 20, 2024
- 62
I've been thinking about going to an AA or NA meeting, but would it be disingenuous of me to go given some details below? Anyone got any comments or advice to bear in mind before i go?
i'd possibly go with a good friend of mine who is more than a decade clean. Said friend has once mentioned to me that he'd go with me to a meeting in response to learning of my drinking/drugging.
My curiosity about AA or NA meetings is motivated by 2 things: my craving for connection with people who are willing to talk about very vulnerable and intense experiences (e.g. suicidality-- it sometimes feels like an itch) and my awareness that it's gotten difficult for me to relax on my own without feeling at least a little fucked up, when not exercising. i am quite functional and self-sufficient otherwise, though i sense that i'm in a holding pattern that definitely has self-destructive underpinnings. So i think about getting out of or at least examining (in the company of others) such a holding pattern while it's recent/new enough that i have some more self-awareness of it.
I have a couple of hangups that i'd like people's hopefully nuanced takes on, though, which are:
i don't intend to or want to abstain from recreational drugs (perhaps just from doing them alone and to numb/dissociate as i've taken to doing so for the past several months).
i frequently (nearly daily) feel suicidal, which is the reason for my attempts at numbing with alcohol, cannabis, and otc sleep/cough aids. i don't want to live for longer than 5 years from now, max, and in fact have an actionable plan in place to end my life later this year; i'm don't want 'recovery' in many senses of the word. i hardly think that i have something to recover from at this point.
i'd possibly go with a good friend of mine who is more than a decade clean. Said friend has once mentioned to me that he'd go with me to a meeting in response to learning of my drinking/drugging.
My curiosity about AA or NA meetings is motivated by 2 things: my craving for connection with people who are willing to talk about very vulnerable and intense experiences (e.g. suicidality-- it sometimes feels like an itch) and my awareness that it's gotten difficult for me to relax on my own without feeling at least a little fucked up, when not exercising. i am quite functional and self-sufficient otherwise, though i sense that i'm in a holding pattern that definitely has self-destructive underpinnings. So i think about getting out of or at least examining (in the company of others) such a holding pattern while it's recent/new enough that i have some more self-awareness of it.
I have a couple of hangups that i'd like people's hopefully nuanced takes on, though, which are:
i don't intend to or want to abstain from recreational drugs (perhaps just from doing them alone and to numb/dissociate as i've taken to doing so for the past several months).
i frequently (nearly daily) feel suicidal, which is the reason for my attempts at numbing with alcohol, cannabis, and otc sleep/cough aids. i don't want to live for longer than 5 years from now, max, and in fact have an actionable plan in place to end my life later this year; i'm don't want 'recovery' in many senses of the word. i hardly think that i have something to recover from at this point.
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