I'm sorry you've gone through so much. I know there's nothing I can say that could possibly make anything better, but I hope you can get some sort of rest

I'm here if you need to talk
Cruelly, I think some of us genuinely have bodies that truly just do not want us dead. Some people desperately do not want to die yet do easily. Some want to intently but have a difficult time doing so. I do not understand why, but I have felt its cruelty in some way. I'm sorry you're so familiar with it.