I grew up quasi Christian. As in- we didn't go to church or, read the bible but I was raised to believe God and heaven were real. Also, I was taught Christian morality in terms of kindness and, no sex before marriage etc. Later, other relations introduced their idea of hell into the mix and more unfortunately- that suicides go there. Other members of my family were more spiritual rather than orthodox religious.
I suppose it was a comfort initially. All my dead family members I loved dearly and missed were now up in the clouds and, I would get to see them again some day- hopefully.
The suicides going to hell bit didn't help me at all when I started developing ideation- aged 10. Maybe that was the beginning of my questioning really. Do these beliefs make sense? Are they really my beliefs or, this other persons? I was able to pretty quickly decide that my ideation was a reasonable response to my life situation. And that I wasn't even 100% convinced there was a hell.
I guess by my teens and twenties, I was seriously questioning whether God could even be good. I decided there were many things about religion that did more harm than good. From then on, I just had more and more problems with God. Both in terms of whether they do even exist. Whether God and religion are man made and my more worrying feeling that the God who created all this would have a very off moral compass.
In truth, I'd prefer to be a more convinced atheist but, I'm stuck on the fence ultimately. Hoping there isn't a God but, fearing there might be.
Weirdly, I'm actually grateful for my more prudish upbringing- the whole 'no sex before marriage' thing. I guess a lot of people would feel like it had prevented them from freely experiencing fun. I think in my case, it protected me from a bunch of heart break though. For the person I am and the way I view sex- as a profound connection to another person, to have gone for the (very few) opportunities I got to have casual sex I suspect would have been a mistake for me. Not criticising what others want to do here. Even the guys I had crazy limerent crushes on likely wouldn't have worked out as relationships. To have thrown sex into the mix I think would have screwed me up (metaphorically as well as physically) even more. Thankfully, my strict upbringing didn't address masturbation! Apologies for the crudeness but- I'm glad that was still available without feeling guilty over.