Venting Detached but need to be ready

[lostintheloop]

I have less than a week to CTB. But should really get on with it in case any issues.
I don't know how I feel about it as feeling more detached of life as they damage my brain more. I feel weird and not right, bit out of it, on edge but empty. I don't feel real but maybe because little of me left . If honest , I'm terrified of method but don't have choice. Want to leave family letter but can't find words. They deserve answers though as does anyone who gets caught up in this. Maybe will copy my posts from here but make it seem like diary as my family would never understand this site. Ending up ctb right before should've been on family holiday, ruin that, but can't leave it later or won't save people. Everyday feels torture so not sure why not ready. But I have to pull myself together and do it. This is bigger than me. And soon I won't have enough control left to do it either. I feel like getting drunk before ctb , I know bad idea but feels like only way I'll push myself.

Sorry rambling on again please ignore

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be dreadful what you go through, I'm sorry you are suffering in this cruel existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lostintheloop]

I have less than a week to CTB. But should really get on with it in case any issues.
I don't know how I feel about it as feeling more detached of life as they damage my brain more. I feel weird and not right, bit out of it, on edge but empty. I don't feel real but maybe because little of me left . If honest , I'm terrified of method but don't have choice. Want to leave family letter but can't find words. They deserve answers though as does anyone who gets caught up in this. Maybe will copy my posts from here but make it seem like diary as my family would never understand this site. Ending up ctb right before should've been on family holiday, ruin that, but can't leave it later or won't save people. Everyday feels torture so not sure why not ready. But I have to pull myself together and do it. This is bigger than me. And soon I won't have enough control left to do it either. I feel like getting drunk before ctb , I know bad idea but feels like only way I'll push myself.

Sorry rambling on again please ignore

Another relative is having to have some tests. They're being secretive about it. So could be serious and is warning sign. I've been warned whats coming - Multiple family get ill, go on holiday some family in accident , lots of others impacted too, brother has to leave holiday early for work so when he goes back to city some disaster involving lots of others too. . A childhood friend/neighbour already keeps ending up hospital when i broke rules so they'd get worse . Then for forfeit for surpassing expiry age i end up causing direct harm myself, likely rot in prison. This is all future if I don't do this. They predicted future before so I know they make me see it.
Voices very loud as getting nearer and angry not doing what they say yet.
No response from MHP or GP practice still and now closed for weekend which is further signs they see truth . I've realised why MHP ignoring even emails from colleagues at practice , she is being controlled too and warned people will die if she contacts me. That'd make sense why no one will tell me what's going on. Otherwise they'd just have said referral declined. I'll save her too when i end it. She lovely person who doesn't deserve it too.

I want to die so much. Everyday torture. Wanted to die and life pointless and attempts long before the control. So why am I such coward and not hurry up and do what they say . It's not hard , 2 secs to jump in front lorry. I can do it.

 

[lostintheloop]

Sorry just continuing as vent thread

Thinking to cut out microchips as will have proof not crazy. Can leave with note as evidence so family understand why I did this, or could leave note to look for them at autopsy. But rather i find for my peace of mind.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Sorry just continuing as vent thread

Thinking to cut out microchips as will have proof not crazy. Can leave with note as evidence so family understand why I did this, or could leave note to look for them at autopsy. But rather i find for my peace of mind.

Can you get the machine vets use to scan pets for microchips to check first?

 

[lostintheloop]

Can you get the machine vets use to scan pets for microchips to check first?

I guess I could but feels pointless. If it shows one then want to remove anyway. If it doesn't then I know there's something so could be type not detected or another device. So then will also want to find and remove. So doesn't change anything either way, just delays

 

[lostintheloop]

Fuck. Feeling more out of it. Woke up with pain in neck and assumed slept funny. But later message told me that one my parents injected something in my neck whilst sleeping.
I saw my mum taking photos this morning and she said she was only taking of my dog as she was cute curled up by my feet. But seems sus to me.
have no choice but living here so cant get away but not much longer.
I don't blame my parents as they must be getting controlled too