Depression destroys family and friends

[CallmeWill4719]

Often really really jealous of those who are better at "hiding it". Everyone around me knows how depressed I am. They hate seeing that.

So then I think about suicide so I'm not such a bother to them anymore. This I know it's not really a solution either because they're going to be devastated.

It's like either way nobody wins. We're all supposed to just "deal with it" I'm supposed to stay here and suffer anyway, or pass on that suffering to them. When it bothers them seeing me like this and not being able to do anything about it.

 

[ningen_shikkaku]

This is something I still struggle with today.

I'd say I'm pretty good at hiding it, but unfortunately... I have my moments.

My family has figured out that telling me outright how they feel about it will only make me worse, so while they say they are supportive... a sliver of their real feelings comes through. It's always, "Do you know how your actions affect me? Do you know how your whole diagnoses affects me?" and hints of being selfish.

I'm well intertwined with the healthcare system here. I am well aware of my issues and diagnoses, and my father (at any medical setting) would love to insist that he too, is aware of it all... But I know at home and anywhere else, he refuses to acknowledge any of my issues. There's nothing wrong with his child, after all... He doesn't want to admit it to himself. That his child is wrong somehow, and he'd much rather continue living with the 'me' that I present to the world.

He doesn't know me at all. Whenever I make mention of anything relating to my diagnoses, he simply doesn't respond or brushes it off. That hurts so much more.

We're expected to brush it off. Live like others do. They tell us that seeing us like this makes them feel bad, and we should think about that; but the problem is, is that we do. We think about it a lot.