Depersonalization?

[tired_fishnoodle]

I don't think I've ever found someone who relates, but a lot of times I feel like I am living someone else's life. Like I should've been a completely different person with a completely different family. Not like a better person or a better family, just- different. The way I feel like I should look doesn't match what I see in the mirror. My body feels wrong, my life feels wrong. I feel like I am juzt stuck in someone else's mind a lot of times and it drives me crazy. Like I wish things could just be right for once. Sometimes when I am feeling suicidal, I think about it and think about what it would be like if I could just restart life. In the right body this time. But I'm just crazy ig

 

[Archness]

Do you still feel human atleast? I don't even feel like I'm actually human, just something alien in an empty vessel.

I didn't feel this before, but back then I really didn't think at all. But now, the more I think, the more aware I become, it just makes my own thoughts more alien to myself.

 

[schoolgirlbyosamu]

I can relate to both what Archness and you are saying. I don't often feel as if I can resonate with the people around me as my own kind. Whether it be because i'm someone other than who I am, or because I am simply nobody at all. Humanity is such a fickle concept to me, and yet I will never be able to fit into that label at all. No matter how I try.

I do not think it's truly possible to be able to say "You are not alone" here. The feeling of depersonalization, of separation from your own life and being, it's based entirely on disconnection that cannot be rectified. However, if I may at least try, I do not think that this feeling is one you are feeling entirely by yourself. Of course, it is unique to each of us, but I feel as if I understand the sentiment of "my body feels wrong, my life feels wrong." That feeling has followed me for many years, I know how much it torments, follows you like a ringing reminder of how much you aren't supposed to be here.

I hope this contribution eases the pain just a bit, makes you feel just a tad bit less alone, dear. I am wishing the best for you.

 

[Fabled Oblivion]

Being human is difficult as people always want you to be what suits them, struggling with "being human" is normal i dont get what i am supposed to be cause others make it difficult but human seak happiness and it does make humanity better it makes the individual better so the way things are we gotta make ourselves happy i think mans should want other humans to be happy and work with everyone but social bushes us tk be individuals and look for happiness there, you might just want something you cant get in this day and age ot you might be someone who wants something better. Restarting life with the knowledge you have would be better in hinde sight wrong could all make better choices so no you are not alone it is just difficult being like this wanting things to be better not being able to force humanity to be better

 

[hurb]

Do you still feel human atleast? I don't even feel like I'm actually human, just something alien in an empty vessel.

I didn't feel this before, but back then I really didn't think at all. But now, the more I think, the more aware I become, it just makes my own thoughts more alien to myself.

Legendary grouper pull

 

[tired_fishnoodle]

how much you aren't supposed to be here.

I feel this a lot. Especially because I was the only "planned" child out of three. I was supposed to "fix" my parents marriage, only for them to get divorced when I was still a baby and put in fostercare like an unwanted meat sack. I did not ask to be here. I did not ask to be used as a tool to fix a relationship. I failed at the one thing I was born to do anyway, only for one of them to get custody back just to physically and sexually abuse me just because I looked like the other parent.

I haven't felt passion for anything in years, and I am giving therapy a try for like the 17th time in my life. I'm not hopeful, but I'm trying to get better because I don't want to abandon my husband like I was abandoned as a baby. No one deserves that, so wven if its the only thing keeping me here, I'm going to at least keep trying. I just keep sitting on this cliff between trying to continue living and being too exhausted to continue. At times I feel like its inevitable that I fall.
I am not a strong person, I can't handle this. I've been told I'm resilient for getting through what I did, but I'm not. I was a child with only a survival instinct to keep me going. Thats not resilience, thats desperation. Desperation that I lost a long time ago.

I can at least keep trying until I either can't handle being tired anymore, or I get better.

 

[burninghill]

I often feel like the person whos body this was meant to be isn't here anymore and I'm stuck managing it. I get what you mean. It feels like I'm playing a video game and this is an avatar, almost.

 

[synchroscope]

I often feel like the person whos body this was meant to be isn't here anymore and I'm stuck managing it. I get what you mean. It feels like I'm playing a video game and this is an avatar, almost.

Yeah. I think I killed my inner child and what "I" consist of is just the leftover structure that child was supposed to grow into. I used to be very interested in the idea of walk ins, spirits that replace a body's soul, after encountering the concept in, ahem, X Files.