Deciding that I will die by suicide, and not knowing how I will live the time I have left

[Majima Goro's Wife]

I hope June is nice on all of you.

These last two days were horrible on me. I am suicidal once again, truly suicidal, had a mental breakdown on Friday, i cried all day, my eyes were puffy and I even felt them more closed, I still have a headache from then, it even got to a point of mental pain that it was hard to walk, to eat, to get up from the bed.
And I've got no support, I feel very lonely, a hug from someone I trust would be good, but I've got no one, and now that I've decided I will end up commiting suicide, I doubt I will let people get close to me again. It's been a long while since I had friends, since I could be truly myself. Now everything and everyone hurt, opening up is like tearing apart my bandages, my staples, only to bleed again, I feel very hurt and broken, now I only want to live until I feel it's enough for me and go away, isolated as always, but now accepting it, moving on from that.
I enjoy journaling a lot, so my journals are my company, they can't hurt me. I have a lot of them, and I treat them like family, each one of them with pieces of my story and truth, which I don't need to show to anyone, they are already written in there. I think that before I die I will burn them, I will not be here to see what happens, but I want to treat myself with care and love, and I will erase my story because it's nobody's business but mine, and if they are read, I would be misinterpreted anyways.
So now I feel like I am living in borrowed time, I have things I'd like to do that won't take much time, but after that I will kill myself, I don't really want to live here for that long, I think the time that I've lived and that I am giving myself now are enough for me. My last wish would be to not come back, I wish to cease to exist when I die, if there is something like a spirit, soul, or energy that makes me alive, I want it to stop existing, I don't want to be born again.
And I wonder if finding a person I could truly trust could help me, but I think it is better not to even try it...maybe they don't even exist...and if I end up opening up to them...I think I will only end up hurting them...

 

[Majima Goro's Wife]

I am very angry. I wish I wasn't as sensitive, I wish I wasn't as attentive, as innocent, as rotten, as broken. I don't want to be warped into someone I am not, I feel so cringy saying all this, but I can't continue, I don't want to live. I don't even want to try anymore. I tried to kill myself last year, I gave myself one more, and now I'm here. I'm so tired.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just want to cease existing as well, all I want is to never suffer ever again with all finally forgotten for me, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[Majima Goro's Wife]

I just want to cease existing as well, all I want is to never suffer ever again with all finally forgotten for me, it's just so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, it sounds like you've suffered a lot, I hope you find the relief you search for, I wish you the best.

Hi Funeral, thank you for your message, it's very warming and nice being noticed and understood, I just wish my choice brings me calm and peace, and not find me in sorrow and desperation.
I tried a lot of things these past seven years, from many therapists, to pills, and other things, but maybe I'm just not made for this place, it's painful and dangerous and filled with people who aren't willing to understand, and make up complicated and at times contradicting excuses to try and keep you alive.
I wish you the best as well.

 

[CrownRoyal]

I hope June is nice on all of you.

These last two days were horrible on me. I am suicidal once again, truly suicidal, had a mental breakdown on Friday, i cried all day, my eyes were puffy and I even felt them more closed, I still have a headache from then, it even got to a point of mental pain that it was hard to walk, to eat, to get up from the bed.
And I've got no support, I feel very lonely, a hug from someone I trust would be good, but I've got no one, and now that I've decided I will end up commiting suicide, I doubt I will let people get close to me again. It's been a long while since I had friends, since I could be truly myself. Now everything and everyone hurt, opening up is like tearing apart my bandages, my staples, only to bleed again, I feel very hurt and broken, now I only want to live until I feel it's enough for me and go away, isolated as always, but now accepting it, moving on from that.
I enjoy journaling a lot, so my journals are my company, they can't hurt me. I have a lot of them, and I treat them like family, each one of them with pieces of my story and truth, which I don't need to show to anyone, they are already written in there. I think that before I die I will burn them, I will not be here to see what happens, but I want to treat myself with care and love, and I will erase my story because it's nobody's business but mine, and if they are read, I would be misinterpreted anyways.
So now I feel like I am living in borrowed time, I have things I'd like to do that won't take much time, but after that I will kill myself, I don't really want to live here for that long, I think the time that I've lived and that I am giving myself now are enough for me. My last wish would be to not come back, I wish to cease to exist when I die, if there is something like a spirit, soul, or energy that makes me alive, I want it to stop existing, I don't want to be born again.
And I wonder if finding a person I could truly trust could help me, but I think it is better not to even try it...maybe they don't even exist...and if I end up opening up to them...I think I will only end up hurting them...

I can relate to what you're saying about how difficult it can be to open up. I'm glad you've found some comfort in journaling—I've heard that writing can be quite therapeutic. I also resonate with your feeling of being on borrowed time. Like you, there are a few things I'd like to do myself before choosing to CTB. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find the peace you're searching for.

 

[Majima Goro's Wife]

I remember a time where one professor asked the class what would we do if we went to jail with a life sentence. I told him I'd end my life. He said ''you wouldn't say that if you knew how much of a gift life is'' or some crap like that. I feel angry remembering that ocurrence.
Today while I was looking out of the bus window I saw a young woman crying at the bus stop, poor girl...she seemed so sad...so in despair, her face was red and puffy, filled with tears...I wanted to get out the bus and console her, just give her company, unfortunately I'm not good with words, I'm not good talking...
A month ago something similar happened, it was Sunday and I went on a walk, and there was another young woman crying who walked past me, I wanted to ask her if she wanted something, but what do I even do? I cry maybe more than them both together, and I don't really like being approached and asked about my problems because not many would understand and it would hurt me. I wish I could have helped them, it makes me sad. I hope they have someone they can trust and aren't as lonely as me. I don't want them to hurt as much as me.

I wish I had someone I could trust to let them help me, listening to me, getting to know me. But... I don't want to bother anyone, I don't want to open up and be hurt.

 

[Majima Goro's Wife]

Today I saw the same young woman from before, she was crying sitting in the sidewalk...I'm so fucking sad man...poor poor girl...I wish she was a friend of me so I could know how to help her...she looked so heartbroken, so hopeless, so in despair...it was dark already, and I was also crying, also feeling sad...
Some days ago I saw a man on the sidewalk, he was out of it, seemed homeless, he was sitting and catatonic, almost unconscious...I'm noticing those kind of things more... I'm also noticing a lot of good things, but both of them hurt me, everything hurts me. I don't want to be here.