Deciding against suicide

[lifecouldbedream]

After multiple failed attempts due to survival instincts in the past few months I eventually started thinking heavily about how I would affect my family by CTBing. I had a very apathetic attitude to it, as I have with all things. For example when my grandmother who I was very close to died I had no reaction. I think I am just extremely good at hiding my emotions from myself, but the image of my mom finding my dead body played over and over in my head for days and I eventually broke down. I've decided not to go through with it. I will be starting a regiment to improve myself, eating better, exercising, microdosing psilocybin mushrooms and taking nootropics to improve my mental status. Interesting to think that a couple of weeks ago I was mere seconds from death and now I am planning for the future. I still have frequent thoughts about doing it, ordering SN to get over my survival instinct but I shut them out.

 

[tardis]

That's great to hear. I wish you the best.

 

[lyles]

I had a very apathetic attitude to it, as I have with all things.

Nothing that you have described is pathetic. Everyone is making their way through this life the best they can, including you. There is rarely a uniform experience to grief and how we process and react and deal with living and the events that come with it.

I will be starting a regiment to improve myself, eating better, exercising, microdosing psilocybin mushrooms and taking nootropics to improve my mental status.

Congrats! I'm happy for you and that you are going to move forward and have started taking the steps to get you to where you want to be. Recovery is rarely easy or a straight road to improvement but I think that it can be worth it. And you have support here and otherwise if you need it!

Interesting to think that a couple of weeks ago I was mere seconds from death and now I am planning for the future. I still have frequent thoughts about doing it, ordering SN to get over my survival instinct but I shut them out.

Those thoughts can be louder than the rest sometimes but being aware is good. As you find healthy and effective coping mechanisms those will hopefully be easier to manage. I am wishing you the best of luck!

 

[timf]

Good luck on you new path. Please share what you discover to be effective (such as exercise, sleep, microdosing, diet, etc.).

You never know what experimental discoveries could be helpful to others as well.

 

[MeltedJello]

I'm happy for you. Hopefully, all goes well on your chosen path. Just remember you're always welcomed here, no matter what you decide to do. Goodluck and stay safe out there :)

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope things work out for you and I wish you the best.

 

[lifecouldbedream]

Good luck on you new path. Please share what you discover to be effective (such as exercise, sleep, microdosing, diet, etc.).

You never know what experimental discoveries could be helpful to others as well.

My nootropics and mushroom growing materials have not arrived yet but I have already improved my diet drastically and I feel great.