Venting Death or Help

[LonelyPrince]

Today I went to my psychiatrist
She prescribed me xanax but I've left out the important detail during these sessions that I'm actively doing "half attempts"

The appointment would have lasted so much longer than it did if I would have just told her.
But I couldn't.
It's too shameful to admit out loud these ridiculous self harm attempts.

"Is there anything else you'd like to add or that I should know?"

"Oh yes, days ago I overdosed on paracetamol and suffocated myself with a plastic bag, which I plan to try out again. I also have sources for substances that could kill me in less than 30 minutes and I'm just one click away from purchasing them."

Yeah no I couldn't.
I don't think she would would have prescribed me this med if I had told her all this.

I'm stuck between actually telling her and fully choosing recovery or getting the xanax and overdose with that too.

I know my death will be a suicide, but I was planning for it to be later rather than sooner.
Instead here I am, getting bolder everyday.

It just feels like there isn't much left for me out there. I'm alone, despite people saying I'm not.

 

[LonelyPrince]

In the end I told her everything by email.
She replied, telling me to see her tommorrow.
Kinda scared of what she will tell me.

How will I look at her in the eyes? The thought of talking about these things openly with someone face to face makes me want to just disappear on the spot.

Will I be hospitalized? What the fuck is even gonna change?
I'm a bother to everyone. Even if people tell me I'm not I still feel like I am.

 

[the_world_is_on_fir]

You need to calm down. I doubt that u will be hospitalised, generally that happens if ur having an attempt at the moment ur talking to the therapist. I want u to understand that she is on your side so u made the best choice telling her. So just try to calm down and tomorrow she will try to help u, and u need to let her help u. I don't know u, I don't know what's happening to your life but i know that if u felt the urge to tell her is because u want to be helped. You deserve to fell better i know that, because there's no one in this fucked up world that deserves to go through what you're going through right now. I bet tomorrow will be another day and she will wil, help u.

 

[LonelyPrince]

You need to calm down. I doubt that u will be hospitalised, generally that happens if ur having an attempt at the moment ur talking to the therapist. I want u to understand that she is on your side so u made the best choice telling her. So just try to calm down and tomorrow she will try to help u, and u need to let her help u. I don't know u, I don't know what's happening to your life but i know that if u felt the urge to tell her is because u want to be helped. You deserve to fell better i know that, because there's no one in this fucked up world that deserves to go through what you're going through right now. I bet tomorrow will be another day and she will wil, help u.

Thank you..
Yes, part of me wants to be helped, that's why I told her.
I know she is on my side and wants to help me, I just can't help but feel like this.

 

[the_world_is_on_fir]

I know. Life is horrible. But sometimes it's better to see how it might go instead of interrupting it. Try and live at least till tomorrow. Maybe things will get better or maybe not. But it's worth discovering it, i guess

 

[woodlawntap2012]

I don't think you will be hospitalised. I think ideal scenario, you'll be able to get a lot off your chest and maybe work towards the help it seems like you want. You wouldn't be telling her if a part of you didn't want help