Venting Ctb mode possibly decided

[hoppybunny]

So I haven't fully settled on it but my mode will probably be the shallow drowning one. Just need to practice the hyperventilating till I pass out part.

I'm not going to go through with it right now though. I've given myself 2 years to try and live so Oct 2026 is when I'll decide if my fear of hell is stronger than my desire to die.

I need to talk to a priest and therapist about this first though. It will help me make up my mind about wether I want to give this effort to live thing a shot.

But my reasoning for finally picking a method happened this morning.

I was Feeling sick this mornint but not because I'm like physically ill just super tired.

My parents were being super loud and I couldn't sleep and they do it on purpose cause they don't care if I get woken up by them.

But also my sister went home after she got yelled at by my parents and they're were heated about it and complaining very loudly.

My mum is talking about making my sister bring back the car they gave her since she's "so independent" and they're like how dare she and such and that she doesn't have the right to leave when she's being yelled at.

Then she dropped off a package for my mum without coming inside and my mum got even more upset and I was trying to sleep so I couldn't here the rest but they were just wishing Ill on her and talking about how they won't help her again until she apologizes.

Like it makes me so sad cause I really do love them but they're showing their whole ass and making me realize they don't actually care about us. They just care about controlling us. Like especially with that car line. Like basically if we disagree with them they're gonna start wishing on our downfall and trying to sabotage us cause they have the power to do so. Financial abuse is so fun.

It makes it hard for me to want to keep going cause I really can't give up on wanting the unconditional love and aproval of my parents but they make me miserable and honestly I don't want to rely on them anymore but I hate the idea of struggling.

i know i sound like a whiny princess rn but i wasnt rich or anything just not poor so like average. Like I grew up well provided for so the idea of like living paycheck to paycheck struggling to make ends meet because I don't want to listen to my parents anymore doesn't seem worth it.

Like I'm just not interested in working hard for like a life. I'm not really sure why I need to like do all that. I have goals and desires and all that but they all seem worthless if I can't have my parents support. Just knowing that if I wanna chase my passions that I'll risk having no one to fall back on is super scary.


Like if I don't listen to my parents they'll just abandon me. I can't deal with that. It's all too scary.

Living a life and putting in effort to get a job and chase dreams that may never come true for years. Managing finances, managing my health, relationships, diets. It's all too much work.

I want to crawl into a cocoon and sleep forever. That's my dream life. If I could I'd probably just go into the woods in a small cabin and live there. I'm actually not scared of being killed by animals or natural disasters I don't do it cause I don't wanna be raped and killed by another human. Also I need wifi lol. I don't mind like the actual stuff needed to keep me alive like cooking, cleaning, farming etc it's really the finances part that throws me off. Like paying taxes till I die but none of those taxes actually help anyone. They just go to the military. Like if my taxes went to Healthcare and social shit then I'd go get a job and leave.

I'm not interested In anything my parents want me to do, get a job in a big company, go to work in a car then get married, get pregnant then birth children into this awful place. Like the idea of living like that makes me wanna jump off a rood.

But my ideal life will take a lot of work and honestly I'm a coward and I'm too scared to take the risk of going for it.


It's easier to just die and not have to choose between my parents and myself. It just doesn't make sense to me that I would go to hell for not wanting to pick one. Like God put me in this position why am I going to hell for taking myself out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

 

[hoppybunny]

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Thank you

 

[CatLvr]

I grew up in a different time, but I could have written your post. My parents were awful people and that was on a good day. I felt EXACTLY like you do. How did I wind up here on SaSu at almost 70, then, you ask??

I got mad. I don't mean stomp my foot and throw a hissy mad, I mean a soul-consuming raging fire that I was gonna so them they were NOT gonna break me. I stopped worrying about things I couldn't control (taxes) and became singularly focused on showing those people I did not need them. In fact, I was gonna show them they were gonna miss having me around WAY more than I was gonna miss them.

And I did. I never made it to what American's call the middle class and a few times I wound up on public assistance (when I had my last child).

Until I was in my 40s I lived paycheck to paycheck. Last kid moved out, things got a little better. Found a good job -- finally -- and managed to buy a starter home. Though it was never intended to be a starter for me. I will live here till I die. Found a man (quite by accident) who could tolerate me (and I could tolerate) and married him, and though I love him, I have always missed the freedom of being single.

Anyway, my point is you cannot have the life you want (parents who love you, celebrate your individuality and accomplishments and try to help you achieve happiness in your adult life). Some of us just drew the short straw when it came to parents.

Maybe you and your sister could live together, cut your parents off and help each other??

I dunno what the answers are for you but I do know that until you get mad enough at your situation to take control of what you can when you can nothing will change. Trust me, it will not be easy. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life -- but you and your sister are young enough that there are grand adventures -- and times you won't think you will survive -- but until you take those chances, being suicidal is just letting your parents win.

They will sit around and piss and moan about what horrible children you and your sister are after you are gone, just like they do now ... Don't let them take your life from you before you've even had a chance to live it.

 

[hoppybunny]

I grew up in a different time, but I could have written your post. My parents were awful people and that was on a good day. I felt EXACTLY like you do. How did I wind up here on SaSu at almost 70, then, you ask??

I got mad. I don't mean stomp my foot and throw a hissy mad, I mean a soul-consuming raging fire that I was gonna so them they were NOT gonna break me. I stopped worrying about things I couldn't control (taxes) and became singularly focused on showing those people I did not need them. In fact, I was gonna show them they were gonna miss having me around WAY more than I was gonna miss them.

And I did. I never made it to what American's call the middle class and a few times I wound up on public assistance (when I had my last child).

Until I was in my 40s I lived paycheck to paycheck. Last kid moved out, things got a little better. Found a good job -- finally -- and managed to buy a starter home. Though it was never intended to be a starter for me. I will live here till I die. Found a man (quite by accident) who could tolerate me (and I could tolerate) and married him, and though I love him, I have always missed the freedom of being single.

Anyway, my point is you cannot have the life you want (parents who love you, celebrate your individuality and accomplishments and try to help you achieve happiness in your adult life). Some of us just drew the short straw when it came to parents.

Maybe you and your sister could live together, cut your parents off and help each other??

I dunno what the answers are for you but I do know that until you get mad enough at your situation to take control of what you can when you can nothing will change. Trust me, it will not be easy. It will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your life -- but you and your sister are young enough that there are grand adventures -- and times you won't think you will survive -- but until you take those chances, being suicidal is just letting your parents win.

They will sit around and piss and moan about what horrible children you and your sister are after you are gone, just like they do now ... Don't let them take your life from you before you've even had a chance to live it.

I really appreciate the encouragement. And I fully understand what you're saying. But I'm a coward. I will give living a shot and try my hardest these next two years but that's about it. I love my parents too much to cut them off. They do want what's best for me but they're too self centered to understand that people can find happiness living differently from them. They're basically convinced I'm doomed to fail if I don't live how they want. And a part of me has believed it too.

I'm happy you found the strength to live on this long and it has given me more courage to find my drive to live. If in two years I can find it then I'll continue living but I'm not one of God's strongest soldiers so idk if I can do it honestly.

I'm not really suicidal cause I hate my parents or anything. It's because I love them and rely on them that I want to kill myself. Cutting them off and struggling without them is scary and I know it's selfish but I like relying on them so I don't have to deal with the harshness of life plus I'm juat hardwired to crave their approval. I have friends and my sister that would gladly have me if I just got a job for a few months and saved up a little before moving there. But I can't imagine separating from or angering my parents.

But like I said before I'm also not interested in doing what will make them happy so I just decided killing myself is my best choice.

I mean they won't even respect that I'm not feminine in any way shape or form and they'd probably toss me to the street If I told them I'm not a girl but despite that I still want them to keep me so I just concede on doing girly stuff if they look too angry.

I don't know know why I'm like this and I want to change hence why I gave myself two years to actually try working hard before killing myself. I'll draw more and code more so I can get a developer job or art job and move out. If it happens in 2 years then I won't kill myself. If in 2 years I didn't have the motivation or make the effort to change or even try working hard and being independent then it means I'm not cut out to be alive.

 

[CatLvr]

I really appreciate the encouragement. And I fully understand what you're saying. But I'm a coward. I will give living a shot and try my hardest these next two years but that's about it. I love my parents too much to cut them off. They do want what's best for me but they're too self centered to understand that people can find happiness living differently from them. They're basically convinced I'm doomed to fail if I don't live how they want. And a part of me has believed it too.

I'm happy you found the strength to live on this long and it has given me more courage to find my drive to live. If in two years I can find it then I'll continue living but I'm not one of God's strongest soldiers so idk if I can do it honestly.

I'm not really suicidal cause I hate my parents or anything. It's because I love them and rely on them that I want to kill myself. Cutting them off and struggling without them is scary and I know it's selfish but I like relying on them so I don't have to deal with the harshness of life plus I'm juat hardwired to crave their approval. I have friends and my sister that would gladly have me if I just got a job for a few months and saved up a little before moving there. But I can't imagine separating from or angering my parents.

But like I said before I'm also not interested in doing what will make them happy so I just decided killing myself is my best choice.

I mean they won't even respect that I'm not feminine in any way shape or form and they'd probably toss me to the street If I told them I'm not a girl but despite that I still want them to keep me so I just concede on doing girly stuff if they look too angry.

I don't know know why I'm like this and I want to change hence why I gave myself two years to actually try working hard before killing myself. I'll draw more and code more so I can get a developer job or art job and move out. If it happens in 2 years then I won't kill myself. If in 2 years I didn't have the motivation or make the effort to change or even try working hard and being independent then it means I'm not cut out to be alive.

I understand better than you know. I didn't see my parents for what they were until I was in my 30s. Spent my entire 20s trying to win their love and approval.

I do think you are stronger than you know. Please feel free to message me any time you need to talk. I will ask the spirits to help you.

 

[hoppybunny]

I understand better than you know. I didn't see my parents for what they were until I was in my 30s. Spent my entire 20s trying to win their love and approval.

I do think you are stronger than you know. Please feel free to message me any time you need to talk. I will ask the spirits to help you.

Thank you so much