CTB makes you want to live longer?

[RULE8AM]

I've finally accepted that my gender dysphoria is severe enough that it'll require me to socially transition (excluding name change & I.D. gender change).
I've been taking low dose estradiol since February 2024 & i socially transitioned (to strangers) from Feb. to Sept. 2024. My experience was surprisingly copasetic even on the days when i didn't pass as a trans(woman) & still looked like a dude or an… "it." but I stopped the social transition b/c the thrill wore off or something

Buying SN earlier this month changed my outlook on life (could my outlook change so quickly ? idk)
Now my outlook is "i'll try transitioning socially w/ intense earnestness this time before CTB. B/c i have nothing else to lose! Maybe i don't want to CTB, i just want non transitioned me to be 86ed"

Now i feel like i've wasted precious time being scatterbrained playing games w/ myself debating if I'm trans or not

I'm going on a trip in 3 weeks for 7 days & i'm heavily contemplating buying new clothes, getting my nails done & wearing the wig that's been sitting on a mannequin head.

Even tho i socially transitioned earlier this year i've never worn nails or a wig so maybe w/ the added feminine additions to my look will make this 2nd attempt @ transitioning even greater or.. worse!

Either way it goes before buying SN i hopped to die daily. nowadays i'm like "wait… i want to control when & how i die! So until then i'd like to do [this & that]…"

Anyway , do you have similar sentiments regarding CTB making you want to live longer (by longer i mean giving yourself another year)?

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

I've finally accepted that my gender dysphoria is severe enough that it'll require me to socially transition (excluding name change & I.D. gender change).
I've been taking low dose estradiol since February 2024 & i socially transitioned (to strangers) from Feb. to Sept. 2024. My experience was surprisingly copasetic even on the days when i didn't pass as a trans(woman) & still looked like a dude or an… "it." but I stopped the social transition b/c the thrill wore off or something

Buying SN earlier this month changed my outlook on life (could my outlook change so quickly ? idk)
Now my outlook is "i'll try transitioning socially w/ intense earnestness this time before CTB. B/c i have nothing else to lose! Maybe i don't want to CTB, i just want non transitioned me to be 86ed"

Now i feel like i've wasted precious time being scatterbrained playing games w/ myself debating if I'm trans or not

I'm going on a trip in 3 weeks for 7 days & i'm heavily contemplating buying new clothes, getting my nails done & wearing the wig that's been sitting on a mannequin head.

Even tho i socially transitioned earlier this year i've never worn nails or a wig so maybe w/ the added feminine additions to my look will make this 2nd attempt @ transitioning even greater or.. worse!

Either way it goes before buying SN i hopped to die daily. nowadays i'm like "wait… i want to control when & how i die! So until then i'd like to do [this & that]…"

Anyway , do you have similar sentiments regarding CTB making you want to live longer (by longer i mean giving yourself another year)?

you're not alone ^^. while i'll probably ctb given my situation, but it makes me worry much less knowing everything will end soon. but this is so tricky to maintain, if i get any hope or anything like that, i start worrying again, it seems like it's impossible to get out of this cycle. i'm giving myself time until january.

what do you think ^^?

 

[identity0]

Stopped the social transition b/c the thrill wore off? Seems like an unexpected thing to say - not judging at all, just find it interesting.

Getting close to CTB has sometimes made me feel better in a way because nothing matters and it means all problems start to dissolve and become irrelevant, no consideration of the future needed etc. But it is strange, challenging, confusing to try to maintain it and keep living in that limbo state on the edge of death.

 

[RULE8AM]

you're not alone ^^. while i'll probably ctb given my situation, but it makes me worry much less knowing everything will end soon. but this is so tricky to maintain, if i get any hope or anything like that, i start worrying again, it seems like it's impossible to get out of this cycle. i'm giving myself time until january.

what do you think ^^?

It is a sick cycle! Sick of living -> want to ctb -> feels good to ctb soon -> even tho depending on one's situation we don't have to have it all figured out now when is soon ?

 

[vercabow]

I've finally accepted that my gender dysphoria is severe enough that it'll require me to socially transition (excluding name change & I.D. gender change).
I've been taking low dose estradiol since February 2024 & i socially transitioned (to strangers) from Feb. to Sept. 2024. My experience was surprisingly copasetic even on the days when i didn't pass as a trans(woman) & still looked like a dude or an… "it." but I stopped the social transition b/c the thrill wore off or something

Buying SN earlier this month changed my outlook on life (could my outlook change so quickly ? idk)
Now my outlook is "i'll try transitioning socially w/ intense earnestness this time before CTB. B/c i have nothing else to lose! Maybe i don't want to CTB, i just want non transitioned me to be 86ed"

Now i feel like i've wasted precious time being scatterbrained playing games w/ myself debating if I'm trans or not

I'm going on a trip in 3 weeks for 7 days & i'm heavily contemplating buying new clothes, getting my nails done & wearing the wig that's been sitting on a mannequin head.

Even tho i socially transitioned earlier this year i've never worn nails or a wig so maybe w/ the added feminine additions to my look will make this 2nd attempt @ transitioning even greater or.. worse!

Either way it goes before buying SN i hopped to die daily. nowadays i'm like "wait… i want to control when & how i die! So until then i'd like to do [this & that]…"

Anyway , do you have similar sentiments regarding CTB making you want to live longer (by longer i mean giving yourself another year)?

i talked with a friend about thos phenomenon before and we both had the same experience. that feeling of control is the most liberating shit ever. yet part of me kinda hates it because it makes it harder to end it assuming shit hits the fan.

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

It is a sick cycle! Sick of living -> want to ctb -> feels good to ctb soon -> even tho depending on one's situation we don't have to have it all figured out now when is soon ?

-- exactly.. in my mind "soon" is always within a week, and then that time comes and i carry on. i had these cycles so many times... i feel like this is just a normal mode of operation for me, but i absolutely hate it. that's why i joined this place, i feel like i'm going to finally commit to it. i don't know what will happen of course. i have a plan set for january, but what will happen within that time? i don't know.

-- do you think socially transitioning will help you quell suicidal feelings ^^?

 

[RULE8AM]

Stopped the social transition b/c the thrill wore off? Seems like an unexpected thing to say - not judging at all, just find it interesting.

Getting close to CTB has sometimes made me feel better in a way because nothing matters and it means all problems start to dissolve and become irrelevant, no consideration of the future needed etc. But it is strange, challenging, confusing to try to maintain it and keep living in that limbo state on the edge of death.

Yes! Even tho ctb is a future plan it feels so good to live in the present not worrying about the future in terms of its value (what's possible), but in terms of the outcome (what's going to actually happen) if that makes sense.

& what you said doesn't feel like you were judging me in a bad way.

By thrill I mean it felt great during those moments to be perceived as a trans (woman) w/out having to indicate it! My wardrobe is 90% from the men's section.

there was an increase in guys conversing w/ me in public which was thrilling. Like , "do they know I'm a… or ?"

 

[LostLily]

Having Sn does give me piece of mind know if I can't control my life, I can control how I die.

 

[RULE8AM]

-- exactly.. in my mind "soon" is always within a week, and then that time comes and i carry on. i had these cycles so many times... i feel like this is just a normal mode of operation for me, but i absolutely hate it. that's why i joined this place, i feel like i'm going to finally commit to it. i don't know what will happen of course. i have a plan set for january, but what will happen within that time? i don't know.

-- do you think socially transitioning will help you quell suicidal feelings ^^?

I pressed the yay button b/c the bolded is me! I was supposed to fly to Miami and jump off a hotel balcony today. Ended up canceling that trip a few weeks ago due to too much family crap happening @ once & i couldn't add more trauma & drama to my mom.

Does it feel like you're rushing yourself to ctb? Like if you don't ctb by this date then you're not really serious even tho you might be! The brain is weird.

I do think socially transitioning will help ease the feelings. I've been fighting the urge to transition for so long by coping in various ways (ex: playing more than three different trans women on sims3 more than three different times). I hate to say this but very few people actually want to be trans even if our lives will be better b/c of it! Im @ the point where it's: Transition or die.

 

[i love yoshi ^-^]

I pressed the yay button b/c the bolded is me! I was supposed to fly to Miami and jump off a hotel balcony today. Ended up canceling that trip a few weeks ago due to too much family crap happening @ once & i couldn't add more trauma & drama to my mom.

Does it feel like you're rushing yourself to ctb? Like if you don't ctb by this date then you're not really serious even tho you might be! The brain is weird.

I do think socially transitioning will help ease the feelings. I've been fighting the urge to transition for so long by coping in various ways (ex: playing more than three different trans women on sims3 more than three different times). I hate to say this but very few people actually want to be trans even if our lives will be better b/c of it! Im @ the point where it's: Transition or die.

-- yes. shorter time frames help to make the situation seem more urgent. if i extend it beyond a short time frame, i get way more anxious and overwhelmed. i set a short date, i fail it, i set another, and the cycle continues. i'm not sure of any side effects of this so far.

-- i think with this kind of short circuit coping mechanism, it may be possible to get out of the loop. when you want to ctb, the stakes for your life become once again low, you feel more free to experiment. i think it may be a very effective way to cope, little by little you will, succeed and break out of the loop. but here's the catch-22 - you need to not give yourself hope, by giving hope, the coping mechanism stops working, and you fall in despair.. when you fall in despair, you return to the coping mechanism. i have been operating my life like this for past 3 months especially... by socially tranitioning, you might break out of it... what do you think ^^?

-- it might pose an issue, if you do it impulsively. in my case i agreed to do suicide on a happy note, so i don't do it impulsively. good thing is SN is highly reversible and doesn't have a lot of lasting damage.