continuing living when you're planning your death

[TheHolySword]

I left for a work trip today, I'm currently at the hotel and stuck alone with my thoughts. I'm going to be here for two weeks and right now I don't even know why I agreed to do this. Before I may have cared because this is something that could helped me grow in my career but I'm going to be dead in a few months so what does any of it matter? Why am I continuing to live my life in a way as if I'm still going to be anything more than
this? I'm miserable at home and I'm even more miserable out here. Life is truly worthless for me but I'm still out here existing as if I have a future. I took the offer because I'll be getting paid more while I'm here plus OT which will just leave a bit more money to leave behind when I'm gone. But how much will a few more dollars matter in the end? I know my loved ones would rather have me than any amount of money so I'm not gonna make anyone happy. So I guess I don't know why I'm even here but like every other shit decision in my life there's no going back from it. I dont think there's anyone in my life that would understand what it's like having to pretend to be alive every day, like you think your life is important and has value, while simultaneously planning every detail of your own death. I wish I could give up and just kill myself in this hotel room right now. Anyway I'm gonna be suffering alone while working every day the next two weeks and then I get to go back home and continue with my life until I die.

 

[Lost Magic]

I'm sorry you are going through these feelings and emotions. It really is difficult to say anything to anybody in this fucked up 'society' because of the labelling and judgement that we have to deal with. Suicide is like the 12,000 pounds elephant in the room. It's there but nobody talks about it. I don't have the answers but while you are here try to look after yourself. This life is not easy. You are not alone with these thoughts, hence the reason why we are all here.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Do you have a particular reason you want to cbt?

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I know the feeling. I've been slowly remodeling my house over the past few years, and it feels so silly picking out tile and paint colors while also wanting to kill myself.

 

[Hollowman]

I've been in pretty much the same limbo state of mind for a very long time, it sucks.

 

[The_Hunter]

I know the feeling. I've been slowly remodeling my house over the past few years, and it feels so silly picking out tile and paint colors while also wanting to kill myself.

Such a pretty house
And such a pretty garden
No alarms and no surprises²
No alarms and no surprises, please

—Radiohead, No Surprises

something about that... [way you said that,] 's a tad poetic, almost. the somber chillness of it, it's almost pond-still in it's expression. I can actually picture you picking out tile and paint (well at least, I pictured painting on a tile in my own mind)--and just, the overbearing stillness of such a scene.

It reminded me of this song--touching upon quiet despair, an almost paralyzing stillness in life.

Maybe we sometimes all have those moments of painting and choosing things out whilst having the wispy candle of wanting death warming somewhere within us.

Thank you for your words[, and your story]. I found them meaningful. Wishing you a fine day.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to this so much. I don't actually know when my time will be (to CTB) seeing as I want to wait for my Dad to go first. I suppose it could be years. So, I do have to carry on as 'normal' as much as I can. I certainly have to support myself financially.

Really though, it's awful. We had a meeting the other day to discuss the year ahead. I'm trying to sound enthusiastic but that thought just pops in even then: 'I really hope I can kill myself before I have to do all of this.'

It's both ridiculous and really just exhausting having to put in effort to live and sustain lives we don't even want! Honestly, it pisses me off but at the same time, I know I've made my choice and just need to begrudgingly live by it.

I hope you can maybe find nice things to do where you are staying in your down time. If it still holds any interest of course. I used to like to check out a few touristy things if I had to stay somewhere for work.

 

[Anhaedra]

Im really sorry youre going through this horrible situation. I'd want to advise you to quit your job and do what makes you feel at least a bit okay, but I understand that its not an option for you as it would be suspicious to your family and loved ones, I get it. We cant talk about how we feel lest they think we're crazy. Im in the same boat as you; I go to work everyday while thinking to myself that today might be the day I ctb.

 

[danny10]

Why am I continuing to live my life in a way as if I'm still going to be anything more than
this?

Maybe coz a part of you still wants to live?

 

[parasite_eve]

I left for a work trip today, I'm currently at the hotel and stuck alone with my thoughts. I'm going to be here for two weeks and right now I don't even know why I agreed to do this. Before I may have cared because this is something that could helped me grow in my career but I'm going to be dead in a few months so what does any of it matter? Why am I continuing to live my life in a way as if I'm still going to be anything more than
this? I'm miserable at home and I'm even more miserable out here. Life is truly worthless for me but I'm still out here existing as if I have a future. I took the offer because I'll be getting paid more while I'm here plus OT which will just leave a bit more money to leave behind when I'm gone. But how much will a few more dollars matter in the end? I know my loved ones would rather have me than any amount of money so I'm not gonna make anyone happy. So I guess I don't know why I'm even here but like every other shit decision in my life there's no going back from it. I dont think there's anyone in my life that would understand what it's like having to pretend to be alive every day, like you think your life is important and has value, while simultaneously planning every detail of your own death. I wish I could give up and just kill myself in this hotel room right now. Anyway I'm gonna be suffering alone while working every day the next two weeks and then I get to go back home and continue with my life until I die.

Relate muchly to this - going thru my daily workouts, cooking, doing job stuff so I have more to leave behind for someone and kinda because it's just my sad autopilot for more than a decade.

I lived every day and night of last 10 years wanting to die and still did my best to self-improve and succeed at work, so I suppose it wouldn't be much different once I finally decide a timeline; how else am I going to fill my time with no friends or family around?

Probably have a silly work trip of my own I'll get talked/ pressured into doing soon and will be thinking of you.

Wish you peace, love, and solidarity <3

 

[LeavingThisHell]

It's a great strugle, everything feels useless. Since I used to work from home-office it was easier for me to quit silently. I'm currently living on some money I had on my bank account but that will only last for a short while, I plan to ctb before that day comes.

 

[WanderingGypsy]

I can relate so much! It's like a part of me wants to keep trying, to live my life the way I always have, maybe this will give me hope? But in reality I'm more miserable and don't even want to do the things that use to bring me joy. It's like just going thru the motions until I can get the supplies, courage, and energy to ctb.

Wishing you peace!

 

[losingsteam3141]

Im sorry youre going through this. It feels like life really doesnt wait for anything and existing in this state is difficult. Im in a rigorous grad program where my life is in flux. Its so hard to focus and keep going.

 

[Valhala]

Why am I continuing to live my life in a way as if I'm still going to be anything more than
this?

Maybe coz a part of you still wants to live?

I think it's more a kind of inertia than a deliberate and decisive desire of a part of us that wants to live. It's simply difficult to make that complete step out of the rut, a part of us is inert within this discourse of existence regardless of how much we don't really want it.

 

[RiverOfLife]

I understand. I'm supposed to be planning for retirement but I can't exactly say what my actual plan is.
And I'm trying to stay functional for now. I have an elderly dog I don't want to abandon so I don't plan to CTB just yet.
Still hoping for some kind of natural death though

 

[TheHolySword]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, I would respond to everyone individually if I could but I've been quite busy. It's nice to know I'm in company that understands, but I'm also so sorry that you all feel so similar. I hope we can all be free from it some day and experience true peace.

 

[slowdance]

For me, I continue living because I'm afraid that my attempt will fail. I don't want to cut everything out of my life and then have to deal with the consequences. So I keep going with regular plans and goals while also planning to CTB. Those unfulfilled plans won't be my problem to clean up if I succeed

 

[Hotsackage]

Ya I go to the gym everyday(or do something), walk, meditate, be active, on disability, it could be worst, but like with my past trauma, what does healing even mean?

 

[rian 69]

I left for a work trip today, I'm currently at the hotel and stuck alone with my thoughts. I'm going to be here for two weeks and right now I don't even know why I agreed to do this. Before I may have cared because this is something that could helped me grow in my career but I'm going to be dead in a few months so what does any of it matter? Why am I continuing to live my life in a way as if I'm still going to be anything more than
this? I'm miserable at home and I'm even more miserable out here. Life is truly worthless for me but I'm still out here existing as if I have a future. I took the offer because I'll be getting paid more while I'm here plus OT which will just leave a bit more money to leave behind when I'm gone. But how much will a few more dollars matter in the end? I know my loved ones would rather have me than any amount of money so I'm not gonna make anyone happy. So I guess I don't know why I'm even here but like every other shit decision in my life there's no going back from it. I dont think there's anyone in my life that would understand what it's like having to pretend to be alive every day, like you think your life is important and has value, while simultaneously planning every detail of your own death. I wish I could give up and just kill myself in this hotel room right now. Anyway I'm gonna be suffering alone while working every day the next two weeks and then I get to go back home and continue with my life until I die.

Gallows humor. No shit. I'm 69 and just mad a 5 k bet on a b ball game tonight. Made a 25k Eagles bet Sunday after a recent failed attempt and the crazy is if I do it tonight and properly I won't know if I won the bet. I was a consumer protection lawyer before I just couldn't make myself step in a courtroom anymore. Funny I was good at the whole thing too. Got Ss Disability at the urging of my Psych (more a friend who I knew for years from my practice) mostly for the Medicare (it ain't easy getting SS disability for Mental Health). Now I wonder if I should cancel my stupid bet in case it's a form of self sabotage. I just did it cause I'm sitting here doing nothing as usual except being al anxious and depressed and now based on some recent events think I may have beginnings of Alzheimer's. It really is time to go.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

You will be missed in a few months' time, but for now it is good to see you around still

 

[Forveleth]

That is a horrible "limbo" situation to be in and I am sorry you are stuck in that spot. It is hard to keep living when you just want to die. I went through that stage last year in between a few attempts. I let myself go physically, did nothing with my time, and ended up making myself more miserable (somehow) but was still unable to die.

I got to a point where I was like "fuck it, I am going to live right up until I die". I am getting into shape, spending my time well, and trying to enjoy each day a bit. I figure either I end up actually recovering (good for me) or at least make what time I have left a little less shitty. Also, I want to be nice and strong so I can punch Death in the face for taking so long to come pick me up.