Venting coming to terms

[thronesick]

how do you come to terms with suicide in your last days?
hii guys i just joined i just wanted to vent. not that anyone cares or is willing to listen or read. but when given free will why the fuck not. i do want to apologize in advance though for the uncalled for over sharing. i started therapy in november i think i'm not sure why i did. actually, i do but the reasoning is troubling to grapple with. i knew i was gonna kill myself soon. after winter break. id spend time with my family across the states and commit somehow once i got back. i suppose i wanted to be coddled and reassured. i wanted to talk about my feelings but what was silly is that how could someone reassure me on something i've affirmed for myself. i obsessed over suicide. every night, morning, hour, and minute. my therapist told me it's suicidal ideation just before she referred me to higher up care and ghosted me. i've been obsessing over it since i was 11 when i took a whole bottle of migraine pills throughout a school day and hoped i would just die. i was suffering from ptsd diagnosed with clinical depression and put on prozac but since that pathetic and well.. laughable attempt i convinced myself in 7th grade that i would not reach adulthood because the world would end right before. it only took me 6 years to realize the world wasn't ending and i would just have to end it myself. i'm so immensely grateful to find a space where suicide is not considered an anomaly and people have helped each other find peace in the end. death should be a comfort if we all face it. i think what's insane is that others judge when someone doesn't offer anything to society, when someone isn't motivated and doesn't have goals and aspirations. they hate to see someone become a failure but they're alarmed by someone wanting to kill themselves for it. i'm burdened by a version of myself that i cannot become and condemned by society for my shortcomings but they recoil at the thought of me surrendering it.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Welcome to the site, you'll fit right in here I'll give you your 1st tip, don't ever discuss suicide outside of this site! People will listen but they will never accept it and will report you.

 

[RW__Asher23]

Welcome to the site. Read the rules and post and read threads. Other things will become available to you over time. Welcome. Peace.

 

[soapgoat]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Welcome to the site, you'll fit right in here I'll give you your 1st tip, don't ever discuss suicide outside of this site! People will listen but they will never accept it and will report you.

Debatable some people judge and might call the cops but some people genuinely want to help and won't throw you in the loony bin. Even so police intervention isn't bad sometimes. isolation and echo chambers will vastly increase your hopelessness.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I want to welcome you and this is a great place to feel heard and comfortable. I want to apologize for your former therapist. That's rude and unforgiving. Please know that your feelings are valid despite how complex we are in our pain and emotions. Not everyone will get it, but that's the reality of existing in this situation… it's not possible to be fixed. We're broken by a lie and a system placed to make those who are accepting wealthier than the weakest of bunch who souls aren't able to comprehend what has happened to them.

Debatable some people judge and might call the cops but some people genuinely want to help and won't throw you in the loony bin. Even so police intervention isn't bad sometimes. isolation and echo chambers will vastly increase your hopelessness.

It really depends I think, especially as welfare checks exist and they don't really do much I believe…