EmpathyMinded
Student
- May 1, 2023
- 144
Since starting to get better, I've set a goal to clean up my house and take better care of myself (working out again, better hygiene and so on) and as I'm making decent headway on these things, it's striking me how this experience is a bit more profound than you would think it would be on the surface. I mean, I know that these things I've let get away from me are a result of the depression I've been fighting demotivating me, but still, as I'm actually cleaning each mess or doing that one more thing for myself, it occurs to me how truly symbolic each of these are, sort of an external and visual representation of the internal and unseen ugliness that has built up on the inside with the feelings I've had. It's sort of like my body and my surrounding are a sort of diorama of how I'm feeling, and I think on some level that makes intuitive sense, like oh, that should be obvious all the time…but it's not. At least for me.
When you are deep into doing poorly or doing well, I think it's natural to take for granted how that reflects how we feel. It's in these periods of change you can really see those details. At least, it's been that way for me. Has anybody else had similar experiences/feelings?
In any case, now that I've made that parallel, it's hard not to think of wiping up this stain or getting that thing organized and put away as sort of cleaning up my own soul, in a way. Seeing the reflections of pain be washed away, figuratively and in some cases literally, feels very freeing. My regret is that I didn't both make this connection sooner as well as push myself to act on it sooner. Obviously doing these things doesn't change the life circumstances we are dealing with when depressed or suicidal, I get that, but…I don't know, it would have been a way to take control over something and have power over my life when I felt like I lacked control and was only at the mercy of others.
It's too late to do that in the middle of my last struggles I had, but should the worst come to pass and I end up low again, I want to try to remember this lesson. It's simple and maybe it seems corny, but I think it can be meaningful when you look at it the right way.
If any of you are actively and seriously struggling, maybe it's something to consider trying for yourselves, do what I feel like I should have done before. Maybe it won't help, but maybe it could. Maybe that sense of having more control over your life is exactly what someone out there needs. I hope it can be, so that's why I thought I'd share these thoughts. I hope anyone reading this is having a peaceful day regardless. Take care of yourselves the best you can.
When you are deep into doing poorly or doing well, I think it's natural to take for granted how that reflects how we feel. It's in these periods of change you can really see those details. At least, it's been that way for me. Has anybody else had similar experiences/feelings?
In any case, now that I've made that parallel, it's hard not to think of wiping up this stain or getting that thing organized and put away as sort of cleaning up my own soul, in a way. Seeing the reflections of pain be washed away, figuratively and in some cases literally, feels very freeing. My regret is that I didn't both make this connection sooner as well as push myself to act on it sooner. Obviously doing these things doesn't change the life circumstances we are dealing with when depressed or suicidal, I get that, but…I don't know, it would have been a way to take control over something and have power over my life when I felt like I lacked control and was only at the mercy of others.
It's too late to do that in the middle of my last struggles I had, but should the worst come to pass and I end up low again, I want to try to remember this lesson. It's simple and maybe it seems corny, but I think it can be meaningful when you look at it the right way.
If any of you are actively and seriously struggling, maybe it's something to consider trying for yourselves, do what I feel like I should have done before. Maybe it won't help, but maybe it could. Maybe that sense of having more control over your life is exactly what someone out there needs. I hope it can be, so that's why I thought I'd share these thoughts. I hope anyone reading this is having a peaceful day regardless. Take care of yourselves the best you can.
