devils~advocate
Experienced
- Feb 29, 2024
- 249
My family (parents) love me more then anything. They've been there for me at my highest and at my lowest. They comforted me and encouraged me when I thought giving up was the only thing to do. They always give me gifts for Christmas....way more than I ever deserve.
So I feel so horrible that one day (ctb) I will do this to them. I am their only child. They live about 80 miles away in a rural town.
They are the only ones in my life that has proven that I can trust...and I say that with having a spouse.
I now know that I have 'Anticipatory Grief' for them. They are elderly and I am in my mid50s now. I cant believe that time has passed so fast in my life.
I can't be around them as much as I would want to...my spouse gets jealous and angry if I do. I have so much anxiety about being alone in this world...with people that I know dont care for me as much as my family does. My family is a sort of an emotional security system that I can depend on. The fact of losing them, scares me.
The grief that I have about losing them convinces me to end myself before that happens.
I have so much guilt about planning my ctb because of this. I dont let on about anything being wrong to them. I dont want them to worry and be sad for me. There is nothing at this point in my life to change in order for this not to happen.
Marriage for most people is a way to find someone to spend your life with....trust....care for.....be there to the end. I guess I just can't make that work out.
My spouse and I have had troubles since the first year of being together. I had been married before and I thought, Ive got to make this one work. My previous marriage (5 yrs) ended when my then spouse left for another person. So, I had a lot of baggage about trust.
The same red flags happened again in this 2nd relationship. My spouse for the first few years had issues with having inappropriate contact with other people.
It was all done using the internet, facebook, etc. I'd find out about it...then a few years later it would happen again. Till one year (married 6yrs at that point) I just couldnt take it.
I found out my spouse was talking to another person from facebook.....sexting...sending photos of their privates...telling each other they love them. I left for a few weeks and came back when my spouse couldnt pay the mortgage. For a few months afterward, I found out they were on dating sites with a profile....sexting people, sending photos of privates, etc. My spouse to this day doesnt know that I know about all this. That was almost 14 years ago.
As far as I know, my spouses family doesnt know the complete story about all this.
At the time all this was going on, I told my family everything that was happening. My spouse knew that my family was told some things. I guess my spouse felt so embarassed that they havent spoken to my family since that time, almost 14 years ago. I thought at the beginning it would take them time to fix things...but they just never have tried to make emends with my family.
I feel like I am in some sort of hell. Sometimes I feel as though my spouse is trying to teach me a lesson or break me down so that I only depend on them. Which I know that I cannot do....I can't just depend on them for any sort of emotional support. I feel that they would use it against me in some manner or manipulate me.
These are the reasons, I would choose to live even with knowing about losing my family one day:
1) If I had a child, even if my spouse was not good for me or even if I was not married anymore. Neither one of my marriages could have a child. If I had a child, they would be an adult now...but I would want to live to be with them, since they are part of me.
OR
2) If no child but my spouse was more compatible with me...the trust was there....they had a more postive outlook on life. Someone to be there for me emotionally when my family is no longer here. Im not sure how to describe this better. Ive met people in my life that are really positive (my mother for example), they try to pick up people emotionally, encouraging others...getting others to see the brighter side of things.
I dont want to say that my spouses were bad or horrible people...they are normal......but were/are not this type of personality. I think being around someone who is postive would help me since I am naturally less this way. But I know Its a lot to ask for someone to be like this and accept someone who needs lifting up. At the time of starting my relationships, I didnt know what I needed in someone else. I thought they just had to be around and not cheat.....and that proved that some can't even do that.
Maybe my relationships havent been healthy because of how I think about things...then that feeds into it all breaking down...a circular feeding into each other.
I dont know.
But, I have neither of these. And there is no time to change any of it at this point in my life. I will give myself some credit though....I did try to get either one of these.
I felt as though I let my family down since I couldnt keep a marriage together or have one that is remotely healthy.
I felt like a failure as well, for not having a child...that my family could love and spend time with, just like I did with my grandparents.
So I plan on CTB soon. I will do it my family home with them finding me. I want them to find me and not find out about it from others.
I have made audio recordings of my feelings about life and my biography. These are for them to understand what is going on in my mind. I know that I have been going thru major depression for several years now (21 yrs) but they can finally understand what I was thinking about.
Ive given away a lot of my possessions to people that I know...books, personal items, etc So I know these things have good homes.
Im sorry to my family about how this makes you feel.
Im sad but you dont have to be. I want to be free of being sad all the time and worrying about losing my family and leaving me here all alone.
I just can't let myself feel that finaly grief of losing my family. I know I wouldnt have anything to live for anyway afterwards.
So my only way of not feeling this is to CTB. I feel so much guilt about this.
So I feel so horrible that one day (ctb) I will do this to them. I am their only child. They live about 80 miles away in a rural town.
They are the only ones in my life that has proven that I can trust...and I say that with having a spouse.
I now know that I have 'Anticipatory Grief' for them. They are elderly and I am in my mid50s now. I cant believe that time has passed so fast in my life.
I can't be around them as much as I would want to...my spouse gets jealous and angry if I do. I have so much anxiety about being alone in this world...with people that I know dont care for me as much as my family does. My family is a sort of an emotional security system that I can depend on. The fact of losing them, scares me.
The grief that I have about losing them convinces me to end myself before that happens.
I have so much guilt about planning my ctb because of this. I dont let on about anything being wrong to them. I dont want them to worry and be sad for me. There is nothing at this point in my life to change in order for this not to happen.
Marriage for most people is a way to find someone to spend your life with....trust....care for.....be there to the end. I guess I just can't make that work out.
My spouse and I have had troubles since the first year of being together. I had been married before and I thought, Ive got to make this one work. My previous marriage (5 yrs) ended when my then spouse left for another person. So, I had a lot of baggage about trust.
The same red flags happened again in this 2nd relationship. My spouse for the first few years had issues with having inappropriate contact with other people.
It was all done using the internet, facebook, etc. I'd find out about it...then a few years later it would happen again. Till one year (married 6yrs at that point) I just couldnt take it.
I found out my spouse was talking to another person from facebook.....sexting...sending photos of their privates...telling each other they love them. I left for a few weeks and came back when my spouse couldnt pay the mortgage. For a few months afterward, I found out they were on dating sites with a profile....sexting people, sending photos of privates, etc. My spouse to this day doesnt know that I know about all this. That was almost 14 years ago.
As far as I know, my spouses family doesnt know the complete story about all this.
At the time all this was going on, I told my family everything that was happening. My spouse knew that my family was told some things. I guess my spouse felt so embarassed that they havent spoken to my family since that time, almost 14 years ago. I thought at the beginning it would take them time to fix things...but they just never have tried to make emends with my family.
I feel like I am in some sort of hell. Sometimes I feel as though my spouse is trying to teach me a lesson or break me down so that I only depend on them. Which I know that I cannot do....I can't just depend on them for any sort of emotional support. I feel that they would use it against me in some manner or manipulate me.
These are the reasons, I would choose to live even with knowing about losing my family one day:
1) If I had a child, even if my spouse was not good for me or even if I was not married anymore. Neither one of my marriages could have a child. If I had a child, they would be an adult now...but I would want to live to be with them, since they are part of me.
OR
2) If no child but my spouse was more compatible with me...the trust was there....they had a more postive outlook on life. Someone to be there for me emotionally when my family is no longer here. Im not sure how to describe this better. Ive met people in my life that are really positive (my mother for example), they try to pick up people emotionally, encouraging others...getting others to see the brighter side of things.
I dont want to say that my spouses were bad or horrible people...they are normal......but were/are not this type of personality. I think being around someone who is postive would help me since I am naturally less this way. But I know Its a lot to ask for someone to be like this and accept someone who needs lifting up. At the time of starting my relationships, I didnt know what I needed in someone else. I thought they just had to be around and not cheat.....and that proved that some can't even do that.
Maybe my relationships havent been healthy because of how I think about things...then that feeds into it all breaking down...a circular feeding into each other.
I dont know.
But, I have neither of these. And there is no time to change any of it at this point in my life. I will give myself some credit though....I did try to get either one of these.
I felt as though I let my family down since I couldnt keep a marriage together or have one that is remotely healthy.
I felt like a failure as well, for not having a child...that my family could love and spend time with, just like I did with my grandparents.
So I plan on CTB soon. I will do it my family home with them finding me. I want them to find me and not find out about it from others.
I have made audio recordings of my feelings about life and my biography. These are for them to understand what is going on in my mind. I know that I have been going thru major depression for several years now (21 yrs) but they can finally understand what I was thinking about.
Ive given away a lot of my possessions to people that I know...books, personal items, etc So I know these things have good homes.
Im sorry to my family about how this makes you feel.
Im sad but you dont have to be. I want to be free of being sad all the time and worrying about losing my family and leaving me here all alone.
I just can't let myself feel that finaly grief of losing my family. I know I wouldnt have anything to live for anyway afterwards.
So my only way of not feeling this is to CTB. I feel so much guilt about this.
