Child abuse and suicidal ideation

[Time_To_Die]

I thought I'd make this thread for people to discuss how being abused as children has (or hasn't) contributed to their suicidality. Feel free to post your own experiences or any thoughts on the subject of child abuse.

I'll start off.

My dad had a bad temper, and a bit of a sadistic streak. He would get mad at me and make me do humiliating things as a punishment. For instance, one time he told me to pee in a corner of my room "like an animal" rather than the toilet. He then made me lick it up while he and my mom watched. I was like six years old and terrified.

Things like that happened with regularity throughout my childhood. I think this abuse contributed to me viewing myself as a kind of embarrassment to humanity when I was a teenager. I remember wishing that I was literally anyone but myself. I think that kind of self-hatred contributed a lot to my suicidal ideation.

In general, my guess is that a lot of chronically suicidal people have experienced traumatic things like this, and developed suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism. Interested to hear what others think.

 

[sanctionedusage]

not the abuse itself but directly related to the abuse


after being serially sexually abused by a family member at 4-5yo (im 20 now) ive since noticed the weird ways my parents see the incident

my mom sees it as a "failing" on her part, but not because of the expected burden of responsibility of failing to protect your kid; she thinks her flaw was being too kind and generous of a person and housing the guy that did it. not stupid, not ignorant to wonder if its safe for a toddler girl to be in a bedroom alone w a 25yo man, she just thinks shes too good of a person and SHE was personally taken advantage of. not a bad parent who let her kid be taken advantage of. at the time i told her (9) she was also more annoyed than concerned, would corner me and interrogate me about it with no warning, like i was lying.

my dad from the beginning basically needed me to tell him how much to care and how to react. he wanted to keep doing business with the guy but asked me if *I'd* be okay with it when i was like 10, when any respectable man with a pair of balls wouldn't need a 10 year old to tell him he should be viscerally disgusted at the sight of his kid's rapist. when i was 14, even greeted the guy with a hug and a handshake in front of me lol. after the fact, would talk about sex and mature themes in front of me or even with me and i wasnt shielded from those things the way other kids were anymore.

theres a bit more but these themes slowly cemented a realization that not only are there bad people in the world (not a hard concept to get over), but even the people who're supposed to be biologically engineered to instinctively care about and protect you— don't. there is no special maternal or paternal instinct; there's no difference between a parent and an adult stranger. i think i would've been suicidal anyway, but now knowing this, i have no qualms with "doing this to my parents." its all an act of fulfilling roles. they want to be pitied, and i'd be doing them a favor by giving them another reason to feel sorry for themselves.

 

[whywere]

I am 69, reference for this post.

My "dad" was the WORST ever. I have an older brother and a younger sister and growing up, until I had my growth spurt, I was a stress punching bag for my "dad, and he never laid a finger on either of my siblings ever.

After I had my growth spurt, a round 11 or so, he hit me one time and I turned around and floored him. He never laid another finger on me ever again.

All my life it has had a very negative effect on me. As far as how I view some folks, my social skills are still not up to par with most other folks.

I travel for work a lot and it always hits me so hard to be at an airport or the like and see a lady or guy yell at a kid and sometimes it looks like that pull on their little arms so hard as if the arm is going to be pulled off the body, so darn sad.

Never had kids and way back when a few of the ladies that I dated wanted a kid, marriage did not matter to them and i always said the same thing: " one cannot put the child on a shelf, take the batteries out and forget about them, it is a lifelong commitment.

Walter

 

[peacefulnights]

I thought I'd make this thread for people to discuss how being abused as children has (or hasn't) contributed to their suicidality. Feel free to post your own experiences or any thoughts on the subject of child abuse.

I'll start off.

My dad had a bad temper, and a bit of a sadistic streak. He would get mad at me and make me do humiliating things as a punishment. For instance, one time he told me to pee in a corner of my room "like an animal" rather than the toilet. He then made me lick it up while he and my mom watched. I was like six years old and terrified.

Things like that happened with regularity throughout my childhood. I think this abuse contributed to me viewing myself as a kind of embarrassment to humanity when I was a teenager. I remember wishing that I was literally anyone but myself. I think that kind of self-hatred contributed a lot to my suicidal ideation.

In general, my guess is that a lot of chronically suicidal people have experienced traumatic things like this, and developed suicidal ideation as a coping mechanism. Interested to hear what others think.

I went through similar punishments and things… I am really sorry you also had to go through that, my heart goes out to you

 

[shampoo sniffer]

My mum would scream and shout at me for the most minor things, because she couldn't control her temper. She would have bouts of unpredictable bad moods, and I was always walking on eggshells in case she was in one.

My dad would quickly make himself absent when these moods kicked off. Both my parents smacked me when I misbehaved.

All my life I've struggled with self worth/confidence.

 

[dontwakemeup]

The memories never go away We just remember and feel the same pain. I think the biggest disconnect with psychiatrist is they don't understand there isn't a pill that will ever make us forget, only be able to tolerate the pain a little easier.

I always thought I was the only person growing up in hell. It wasn't until I left for the military I realized how many people suffered so much, like me growing up. It's really unfortunate schools; bus drivers, teachers etc were not able to see the signs, perhaps we hid them well, idk.

The biggest insult to me is knowing of a person's history and slapping a diagnosis on them because they are having a difficult time moving on from the years of trauma.

 

[violetforever]

i watched my dad beat my mom nearly the entirety of my childhood. he threw a table at her, ran her over, punched her in the eye so hard it caused permanent partial blindness. it's a horrifying sight to see your own mother bruised and in poor condition. he never physically hurt any of his children though. i do still remember two bad instances.

one time he was drunk and angry and lifted up a bed to kind of drop/throw it down and it almost fell on my sister. i remember everyone screamed and my mom cried that he could've crushed her.

another time when i was 12 i childishly punched his back out of annoyance because he was teasing me for something. he proceeded to turn around and shove and tackle me to the floor. he wasn't even drunk and hadn't been drinking for a while then. this literally happened after he just brought me home from school on a regular day! it was just like it was an instinct inside him to do that, not even realizing it was towards his own daughter. i never told anyone back then, most importantly my own mom. what could even be done since he was already beating her? i didn't want to cause more problems. that really scared me to see him attack, especially on me, without the influence of alcohol.

also the countless times my dad and mom put their children at risk with their drunk driving. yeah, my mom was also an alcoholic and abusive to her children despite being a victim of abuse herself. i didn't realize both could be true until i grew up and examined everything that had gone on. there is a lot more i could say but this is all i feel like writing for now. thank you for making this thread for me and everyone else here

 

[SuicidalCurryBoy]

SCB was physically and verbally abused at both home and school. There was no one to take care of poor SCB, which led to SCB developing an anxious/fearful personality.

 

[Thia]

Oh, were my parents flawed. I don't think they were consciously bad people. But my father had a drinking issue where he would transform into a physically aggressive monster when provoked, and my mother, although a victim of his violent outbursts, would incite arguments with him all the time.

My education was messed up growing up as well, although perhaps not all of it was their fault. I always had food, shelter, and clothing, but in a way I was neglected.