Can't decide if I should try to get better

[disillusionment]

Things have gotten really bad. I'm super isolated. My sleep schedule is super messed up. Can't sleep at night due to thoughts racing and feeling depressed. I hate going to bed and being alone with my thoughts. So the last few days I've been taking triazalom or however you spell it that I was given by the dentist to fall asleep. It works perfectly and I love it but I don't think I'll be able to get any more. So then I was thinking maybe I should reach out and ask to go on antidepressants again in case it could help me sleep better and just make me not miserable and suicidal all the time. I had Cipralex and Ativan a while back, havent taken any in years though. So I started googling them but they all have side effects like: insomnia, low libido, sexual issues, weight gain. Well, I already have a super low libido, insomnia, sexual issues, and am overweight, so I really don't need to be adding to those any more. Is there any sort of antidepressant/ anti anxiety med that doesn't give you those things? I don't think I gained weight from Cipralex before but I remember having no appetite and feeling nauseous and not wanting to eat anything

I'm tired of being depressed and anxious all the time, and getting upset over practically nothing. Went for a drive with my bf in a busy beautiful town on a gorgeous sunny day, and I felt anxious and depressed the whole time, kept feeling like we're going to get in a car accident or something else bad will happen, and I just always feel anxious any time there are lots of people around. I can't live like this. I can't ever just enjoy myself. I don't have a car because I'm anxious about driving, so I'm stuck in a tiny, crappy small town with a crappy bus system and no bank or shops in it. so I'm always bumming rides and I'm super embarassed living like this, not being able to go where I want without burdening someone else. It's humiliating. Even the thought of bumming a ride to go to the doctor to ask for some antidepressants makes me want to just die. Every small thing just feels like a huge ordeal to me and I don't know why. Like the thought of going to the doctor to ask for meds makes me want to shrivel up. I have some 5 HTP so maybe that would help if I actually took it but idk. I wish my brain would just stop being like this.

I honestly don't want to have to die, I just want the pain to go away. I wanna be able to sleep at night and not spiral into anxiety from being alone with my thoughts.

 

[SuicidalAgain]

Every small thing just feels like a huge ordeal to me and I don't know why.

Same here, everything makes me overthink the process of how it's gonna happen x.x

I honestly don't want to have to die, I just want the pain to go away.

Me neither. I want to not have to do it, but I've tried therapy, medication, accupuncture, freaking reiki, still depressed, still thinking suicide is the only way. I want to live, but not like this... but then I think of all the problems that are making my life difficult, and think that I have to end it.

*sigh*

I went to hang out with two friends the other day and we talk a lot about mental health, we all suffer from it but on different things - none of them are suicidal. They are a lot more proactive about their troubles and I told them about my ridiculous low amounts of energy and how my routine is because of it and my depression. They gave me a few tips on how to fix my sleeping schedule, a few other things that I need to make sure are not missing, like a minimum amount of exercise, sunlight (ugh), water, food, dedication to some worthwhile task... It all feels like too much for my current energy threshold, but I'm trying it, starting with sleep + food + water, slowly introducing the rest as I, supposedly, get more energy. At least for a month to see if it improves...

My sleep is getting better for these last two days, and so far I've only skipped a meal (I used to eat a meal a day). My energy is even lower than in the day I went to meet them in which I slept less than 4h. This low energy is a huge limitation in my life and a source of guilt.

For the first time ever the people I'm talking to about this seem to care, so I owe it to them to at least try.

It seems like you're in the right place to give recovery another try though. We can always end it at a later date if we feel like we have to...

 

[cantlive]

I know depression and anxiety are not all in the mind. Celery juice is medicine I take everyday that helps without side effects.

 

[meetapple]

Did you try exercise? It might drive away some of your anxiety and help you to fall asleep. Also, you might be able to get benefits to pay for rides to your doctor's office.

 

[timf]

Depression can seem as daunting as a weightlifter looking at attempting a 100 lbs. However, the weightlifter who works on 20 lbs and slowly works his way up to 100 lbs can mark his progress.

In a similar way a person who sees the totality of his depression might feel hopeless. However, as one carves out a little here and a little there, progress can be made to control things to more manageable levels. For example giving yourself small indulgences such as a favorite food, book, film, etc. can be like tackling a 20 lb weight.

 

[disillusionment]

Same here, everything makes me overthink the process of how it's gonna happen x.x

Me neither. I want to not have to do it, but I've tried therapy, medication, accupuncture, freaking reiki, still depressed, still thinking suicide is the only way. I want to live, but not like this... but then I think of all the problems that are making my life difficult, and think that I have to end it.

*sigh*

I went to hang out with two friends the other day and we talk a lot about mental health, we all suffer from it but on different things - none of them are suicidal. They are a lot more proactive about their troubles and I told them about my ridiculous low amounts of energy and how my routine is because of it and my depression. They gave me a few tips on how to fix my sleeping schedule, a few other things that I need to make sure are not missing, like a minimum amount of exercise, sunlight (ugh), water, food, dedication to some worthwhile task... It all feels like too much for my current energy threshold, but I'm trying it, starting with sleep + food + water, slowly introducing the rest as I, supposedly, get more energy. At least for a month to see if it improves...

My sleep is getting better for these last two days, and so far I've only skipped a meal (I used to eat a meal a day). My energy is even lower than in the day I went to meet them in which I slept less than 4h. This low energy is a huge limitation in my life and a source of guilt.

For the first time ever the people I'm talking to about this seem to care, so I owe it to them to at least try.

It seems like you're in the right place to give recovery another try though. We can always end it at a later date if we feel like we have to...

Did the reiki do anything for you? I was curious about it before.

Yeah those tips are annoying when you dont have the energy to do anything. I'm glad that you have people who care about you and that you're talking to them.

I just feel like I can't end it at a later date.. I feel like I'm at a dead end and I shouldve ended it long ago.. lately everything is just way too much

Did you try exercise? It might drive away some of your anxiety and help you to fall asleep. Also, you might be able to get benefits to pay for rides to your doctor's office.

I walk sometimes but it's way too hot out for me and everytime I go for a walk I seem to gett into a worse mood because of the shitty area I live in. Shitty drivers who dont stop for pedestrians that sort of thing. Every five steps you have to cross a road without traffic lights and its annoying as hell trying to exercise like that, you can't really just put headphones in and listen to music. Drivers will even stop, look straight at you, make eye contact, see you walk out into the crosswalk, and then start driving It gives me so more anxiety and I hate walking around the same ugly neighborhood looking at the same ugly things daily, it makes me wanna die even more. The only park I was able to walk in regularly before is closed now. Cant join gym. Cant get exercise machine in apartment (tried). I do enjoy exercise like if I could I'd have a good exercise machine to use

Depression can seem as daunting as a weightlifter looking at attempting a 100 lbs. However, the weightlifter who works on 20 lbs and slowly works his way up to 100 lbs can mark his progress.

In a similar way a person who sees the totality of his depression might feel hopeless. However, as one carves out a little here and a little there, progress can be made to control things to more manageable levels. For example giving yourself small indulgences such as a favorite food, book, film, etc. can be like tackling a 20 lb weight.

I do give myself small indulgences but it's more of a bad thing lol. like binge eating my fave food, watching my fave film and ignoring reality. Can't get myself to do anything that would actually help. feel very stuck at a dead end.

 

[SuicidalAgain]

Did the reiki do anything for you? I was curious about it before.

I felt more relaxed, but I believe it was a placebo effect. No lasting effects.

I just feel like I can't end it at a later date.. I feel like I'm at a dead end and I shouldve ended it long ago.. lately everything is just way too much

I can relate. This tug-of-war of deciding between recovery and ctb is so tiresome. Both of them require commitment.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

If you think you can get better try...Your situation sounds really shitty. I relate being in a small town and hating to go to the dr. When I go to the dr lately my temp spikes to 100 because I am just so pissed. They refuse good meds for anxiety. I get Seroquel for sleep. It's hard to fall asleep but once I do I am not waking up every two hours like I used to.

It's nice you have a bf. I relate to not enjoying outings and such.

 

[disillusionment]

I felt more relaxed, but I believe it was a placebo effect. No lasting effects.

I can relate. This tug-of-war of deciding between recovery and ctb is so tiresome. Both of them require commitment.

Oh then I wont waste my money. I considered trying it but I find it hard to believe in it. Exactly. I wish I could just make up my mind one way or the other. It's so tiring.

If you think you can get better try...Your situation sounds really shitty. I relate being in a small town and hating to go to the dr. When I go to the dr lately my temp spikes to 100 because I am just so pissed. They refuse good meds for anxiety. I get Seroquel for sleep. It's hard to fall asleep but once I do I am not waking up every two hours like I used to.

It's nice you have a bf. I relate to not enjoying outings and such.

Small towns suck. Or maybe there are cute friendly small towns where people are nice to each other but this is a small town where everyones racist, people steal cars in the middle of the day, people are trashy as hell etc. I can't move either, if I could I wouldnt live here. The rent is cheapest here and nothing else available. I've never tried Seroquel. I just ran out of the triazolam so back to melatonin it is for me. The triazolam is amazing but only for short term use

My bf pretty much hates me. I'm just a burden on him and ruining his mental health (he also has anxiety and depression) but he has some sort of complex where he can't break up with me. He has said so himself. so I just feel like I'm a burden on everyone I care about. If I leave him for his own good I'll be completely alone.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

Oh then I wont waste my money. I considered trying it but I find it hard to believe in it. Exactly. I wish I could just make up my mind one way or the other. It's so tiring.

Small towns suck. Or maybe there are cute friendly small towns where people are nice to each other but this is a small town where everyones racist, people steal cars in the middle of the day, people are trashy as hell etc. I can't move either, if I could I wouldnt live here. The rent is cheapest here and nothing else available. I've never tried Seroquel. I just ran out of the triazolam so back to melatonin it is for me. The triazolam is amazing but only for short term use

My bf pretty much hates me. I'm just a burden on him and ruining his mental health (he also has anxiety and depression) but he has some sort of complex where he can't break up with me. He has said so himself. so I just feel like I'm a burden on everyone I care about. If I leave him for his own good I'll be completely alone.

Yeah, my town sucks shit too. I relate to the bf details you gave. It's toxic for me and my bf and I'm dependent. I hope the melatonin works okay. I've taken Valarian in the past, but now my shit is too stressful and I can't sleep without my Rx.