Discussion Can I get my community to accept my parting?

[anomalou]

I understand, that a lot of you think suicide is something that has to be done alone. Many laws even dictate it, in a way.

But I live through my community, I want their good-will for this. I want to open up about my plans for ctb, talk them through it, aid them with their grief until they let me go.
But I'm worried that noone is going to let me go, as long as I am alive.
That people are too scared of respecting my choices.

That said, I haven't fully made up my mind anyways, so I will keep my lips shut for a while longer.
The people around me are very caring towards me, I am loved by family and friends, and people know that I have been struggling mentally for many years. They will send me random notes of love and are just the sweetest toward me. I have so much love for those around me. That's why I couldn't bring myself to ctb so far, since I know it would hurt people so much, and I don't want to think of only my pain, since I know so many others are in pain too.
But is there a way to make it hurt them less?
I have talked to some friends, and to my mother and to partners of mine about ctb, but all I ever hear from them, is that they want me to call them when I do it, and they would grieve so much.

I am thinking of trying to save funds to get to a remote location and prepare everything to ctb, and then give a call to all those who wanted to be called, but I'm scared that someone will want to intervene and maybe put me in a psych ward again. I don't ever want to go into psychiatric care again, it was really traumatizing.
Anyways I am currently not really able to save money, I am spending more than I am making and can't manage to apply for jobs. Also I can't seem to find the energy to go thorugh all my things, I have so many packed boxes of stuff, that someone would have to dig through, so I want to clean up my shit first, make sure I can leave with a clean slate.
Right now I'm just too depressed to ever get shit done in order to ctb.
So I guess I first have to overcome depression, in order to die.

 

[sillyprincessmeow]

Well, if you don't mind me asking, why do you want to CTB? I would say that you should just keep holding out for as long as you can because so far it's sounding like you have a really good support system, and maybe with time you might be able to learn how to feel more secure and whole within living.
However, I don't think that you would be able to convince anyone to "let you" end your life, especially if they love you so much. That's something that people with terminal illnesses do, not somebody who genuinely does have their life ahead of them.
So I guess you would have to do exactly that, you might just have to lie to them and say that you have a terminal illness, if you want them to be able to support you with your death and be more accepting of it.
But I mean, who would wanna lie right? So your best bet is that they probably would not understand or accept it, but that's just from my standpoint, and what I think a normal person will think. I don't think that anybody in their right mind would Listen to someone describe how they're going to CTB and then just grieve them while they're alive.
This is a really tricky situation, I can't even exactly tell you what the best idea would be for this, you know to serve what you're asking for.
All I can really say is that I wish the best for you, and I hope that any outcome that you choose is the right one for you, and I hope that you feel fulfilled with your life, and you feel the peace that you deserve.

 

[TBONTB]

Well, if you don't mind me asking, why do you want to CTB? I would say that you should just keep holding out for as long as you can because so far it's sounding like you have a really good support system, and maybe with time you might be able to learn how to feel more secure and whole within living.
However, I don't think that you would be able to convince anyone to "let you" end your life, especially if they love you so much. That's something that people with terminal illnesses do, not somebody who genuinely does have their life ahead of them.
So I guess you would have to do exactly that, you might just have to lie to them and say that you have a terminal illness, if you want them to be able to support you with your death and be more accepting of it.
But I mean, who would wanna lie right? So your best bet is that they probably would not understand or accept it, but that's just from my standpoint, and what I think a normal person will think. I don't think that anybody in their right mind would Listen to someone describe how they're going to CTB and then just grieve them while they're alive.
This is a really tricky situation, I can't even exactly tell you what the best idea would be for this, you know to serve what you're asking for.
All I can really say is that I wish the best for you, and I hope that any outcome that you choose is the right one for you, and I hope that you feel fulfilled with your life, and you feel the peace that you deserve.

This is such a well written and thoughtful response. I'm glad you are so well loved.

I echo that I your community, while they love you, would likely feel compelled to intervene if they knew you had plans to CTB. If you ever do decide to go ahead, it might be more of a situation for notes.

 

[paperbaghat]

Even if you haven't made up your mind about CTB, telling your loved ones about your thoughts and plans could lift a weight off your shoulders. Although, like others have mentioned, I don't think they'd just allow you to leave them without some kind of intervention.

 

[anomalou]

Well yes, there have been a few interventions in the past. I know the pickle that I am in, and there are some that I regularly talk to about my plans and thoughts of suicide.
I don't have a terminal illness, in the medical sense, I guess. I do have Depression, BPD, AuDHD, Anxiety and am trans* gender. I don't think life will get easier for me.
I feel like a burden.
I can't hold a job or sustain myself on my own, I can't clean or cook enough to sustain myself. While I do think every life is valuable, I always judge myself much more harshly than I would others. I do see the value in my life but when I weigh it with the downsides of existing, it just doesn't make sense to continue existing anymore, with the one exception: existing for others, existing for my community and families, and friends.
Sometimes this leads to spirals, where I hate myself even more, for being so egoistical and thinking of ending it all. But then again, I don't think a life led for the sake of others makes much sense for me, I don't actually have the energy to be very helpful in my community... I feel very lonely, even in the company of those dear to me.

That's why I think my options are a) continue to be miserable or b) try to get away from the people I love, so I can die alone and in peace.

 

[Nightfoot]

Feeling like a burden doesn't necessarily mean you are. The people who love you may be happy to help you. I hope things get better for you.