i'm 18, sitting in a room with nothing in it because i dont have the energy to do anything anymore, i dont care about what i look like or what my room looks like, i gave up on eating or taking my meds, i barely drink water and have already been hospitalized due to severe hydration, im also anemic. i just sit here all day in my room and do nothing, i barely move even though it hurts so bad, i just give up and i want to sit here until my body rots. ive spent my whole life reading others and understanding people the best i could, i studied the mind and reality itself and the theories that we arent even real and the science of the universe itself as much as i could understand. and i think i've finally reached the point where i know too much. i dont have anyone or anything that can understand this weird specific thing im seeing. i know obviously someone has to be and people are living through worse stuff, but anyone i meet or talk to i can just kind of tell yk. they dont actually see the horrible reality and consequences of living. i guess anyone that did would probably kill themselves as well. self-aware or hyper-vigilant just doesnt sound as bad as what im living through actually is, i hate how i cant find any word or term that actually feels right. ive been looking at studies about psychogenic death and i think thats whats happening? i dont know anymore, i feel like theres no way i could ever experience the bliss of death or getting better.
my thoughts are just some weird mess of words, and i keep thinking and thinking about the realities of the situations and the thoughts behind the thoughts and why people do the things they do, but even after finding out so much that i feel like my brain is splitting i still dont understand why life is so horrible. the reason a brain works or why we can even see is like insane and something i want so desperately to figure out. it's not something someone should absolutely obsess over to this point. i feel like my body isnt mine and im just a pilot sitting in a cockpit watching this "nothing" version of myself make the same mistakes, feeling everything and judging myself and others, trying to do better but just stuck in the same loop.
nothing is real. the government isn't real, we aren't even real. i've seen behind the curtain and i can't unsee it. i've lived ten lifetimes of pure horror before i even hit legal age. i held my ex's head together while he was literally falling apart in my hands after he got jumped for no reason. i had a kid die in my arms at a party from alcohol poisoning. i've been sex trafficked, over-sexualized by doctors since i was 14, and broken by every friend, boyfriend, and family member who was supposed to actually give a shit.
i've been a "medical mystery" for years because the system is too lazy to look at someone who has actually been through hell. i'm in excruciating pain right now, but i'm so used to it that a torn ligament feels like a minor stomach ache to me. i once walked for two hours on a shredded ankle just to prove to myself that it didn't matter. my chest feels like it's being stabbed through the ribcage and the oxygen i'm breathing doesn't even feel like oxygen. it's like i'm inhaling fake air. i'm dripping in cold sweat while i'm freezing, and i know my kidneys are giving out again, but i'm just bored of the noise.
i want to die so bad i want to rip my skin off. this body is just a cage for a person who has hours and hours of things to say, but no one to say them to. i was just a kid, and i still am a kid, just grown up now i guess. but i've been forced to be a survivor of things that most adults couldn't even imagine. i'm not even sad anymore, i'm just waiting for the timer to run out. i'm tired of the pretending. i'm tired of watching myself fail in a world that isn't even real.
i'm not looking for someone to tell me it gets better. i just want to know if anyone else has seen the world for what it actually is and realized they don't want to be part of the script anymore. how do you keep sitting in a chair when you know the floor isn't even there?
my thoughts are just some weird mess of words, and i keep thinking and thinking about the realities of the situations and the thoughts behind the thoughts and why people do the things they do, but even after finding out so much that i feel like my brain is splitting i still dont understand why life is so horrible. the reason a brain works or why we can even see is like insane and something i want so desperately to figure out. it's not something someone should absolutely obsess over to this point. i feel like my body isnt mine and im just a pilot sitting in a cockpit watching this "nothing" version of myself make the same mistakes, feeling everything and judging myself and others, trying to do better but just stuck in the same loop.
nothing is real. the government isn't real, we aren't even real. i've seen behind the curtain and i can't unsee it. i've lived ten lifetimes of pure horror before i even hit legal age. i held my ex's head together while he was literally falling apart in my hands after he got jumped for no reason. i had a kid die in my arms at a party from alcohol poisoning. i've been sex trafficked, over-sexualized by doctors since i was 14, and broken by every friend, boyfriend, and family member who was supposed to actually give a shit.
i've been a "medical mystery" for years because the system is too lazy to look at someone who has actually been through hell. i'm in excruciating pain right now, but i'm so used to it that a torn ligament feels like a minor stomach ache to me. i once walked for two hours on a shredded ankle just to prove to myself that it didn't matter. my chest feels like it's being stabbed through the ribcage and the oxygen i'm breathing doesn't even feel like oxygen. it's like i'm inhaling fake air. i'm dripping in cold sweat while i'm freezing, and i know my kidneys are giving out again, but i'm just bored of the noise.
i want to die so bad i want to rip my skin off. this body is just a cage for a person who has hours and hours of things to say, but no one to say them to. i was just a kid, and i still am a kid, just grown up now i guess. but i've been forced to be a survivor of things that most adults couldn't even imagine. i'm not even sad anymore, i'm just waiting for the timer to run out. i'm tired of the pretending. i'm tired of watching myself fail in a world that isn't even real.
i'm not looking for someone to tell me it gets better. i just want to know if anyone else has seen the world for what it actually is and realized they don't want to be part of the script anymore. how do you keep sitting in a chair when you know the floor isn't even there?
