FreedomElsewhere
What a waste to be so alone
- Jun 11, 2025
- 11
Heads up: This is about a 1.7k word read. I wrote this in one sitting with the intentions of it being a summary of what went down in my POV. Not everything is in here. A lot of it is though. I had a lot to cover when writing this so I may have ended up repeating myself or not organizing this writing in the best way. I'd really appreciate getting some feedback.
On Wednesday, I got broken up with by my boyfriend of 4 months. He promised me that'd he love and adore me forever. I feel so stupid for falling over and over again to the same people who believe they're ready for a relationship, but later find out that they don't have balance.
Prior to my ex-boyfriend and I meeting:
- his ex-fiancé and him were childhood friends for 17+ years now
- They dated for 5 years or so
- He and his ex-fiancé moved into an apartment together. I think he was the only name on the lease.
- He proposes to her and are engaged to each other for maaybeee 1.5 yrs
- He calls off the engagement in 2023-2024. I'm more confident in saying 2024
March of this year
- We met on Tinder on January 25th of this year.
- He and I get together on March 1st
- Later in that month or so, he and I collaborate on a message for him to send to the ex-fiancé saying that he's in a romantic relationship with me. In hindsight, I don't think I should have ever done this. I think it's something he should've taken the initiative on.
- He tells me a bit of his financial situation. He keyed me in on his and the ex-fiancé's apartment lease ending in June
April / May
- The ex-fiancé tells him about her dating life with a new guy
- Things going south for the ex-fiancé and the new guy because he doesn't believe in her trauma and diagnosis
Spencer moves into his new apartment.
- May 1st, I have my job interview and get scheduled for an in-person interview
- May 6th, I have my in person interview. I get a call back saying I got the job and my start date is June 3rd. During this time, I'm stressed and anxious.
- May 24, my ex-boyfriend and I have the picnic date that I planned and made everything for. Around 6-7pm he gets a call from his ex-fiancé. She asks him if he was "fucking with her" because some characteristic of her dad, my boyfriend, and the new guy are commonalities. He asks ex-fiance for an apology some time during the date. She apologizes. They continue to be friends
June
June 6, He and I talk about our relationship. I opened up to him about my diagnosis', he said I understood. I wish I knew what my diagnosis means to him. He told me sometimes he feels great being in a romantic relationship with me and sometimes not at all. That really hurt. He walked me to the door and we exchanged forehead kisses and hugs and told each other that we love one another. I believed it then, now I'm not so sure.
June 7th, He sent me a text saying the lease on the apartment she was staying at has ended and she was moving into her new apartment. She couldn't because of cigarrete smoke and it being trashy. Spencer and Nova talk to apartment management, but they were being rude. The Nova is now staying at Spencer's apartment. I feel deceived. I remember my boyfriend telling me he wants the apartment to be like a 2nd home to me when my own home is becoming stressful. He moved closer to me instead of staying local to his workplace. He also tells me I'm no longer allowed into the apartment.
Over the course of the week, I feel ill and am not eating or taking care of myself unless it's related to work. I remember asking him after making out on my couch "what are we?" He said he didn't want a fling or a situationship -he wanted a relationship. He promised me so many thing and refused or didn't acknowledge the accountability I wanted and need to feel ok again. He promised that his apartment would be my second home when my own got too stressful. He moved closer to me instead of staying local to his workplace.
I asked about why his ex-fiancé signed the apartment lease with such horrible living conditions and he told me that she only looked at it for 5 minutes. I cannot explain how upset I feel and how more of a reason I have to believe her pulling this was a set up to tear him and I apart. Although his apartment was never mine, I feel like with everything he had said to me, that my words had weight. If we did have the conversation about his ex-fiancé staying over, I'd have been more ok with it since I was being included in the decision and not after it had already been made. I noticed when leaving his apartment last Friday, he was having issues balancing his work, family, friends, and our relationship. I feel deceived, betrayed, expendable, and a liability. I don't understand why I was the placeholder for what he wanted to do with his life. He promised me he's loyal to a fault; did the transparency with that promise not come with it? As I'm texting him throughout the week about the stress and uncertainty of our relationship, he greets me with cold callous distance. He had trouble taking accountability because, again, he was having issues on his end balancing his life and managing his stress. I feel deceived, expendable, betrayed, and a liability by his actions and how he approached everything. After work, I came to visit him cause I knew I wouldn't be able to for a while after that due to work. I don't get it. He fucked me on his couch the day before telling me his stance on our relationship. He said "I can feel uncertain and not wanting a relationship while deeply caring for someone." I don't know how he doesn't expect me to feel used.
Over text, I told him that I had reason to believe that some of my socials had been accessed and that they weren't me. I am confident in say that out of the 3 that were accessed, 2 of them were done by his ex-fiancé. I told him that the login details couldn't have been me because I was at work. He asked me if I signed into the TV and that I can sign out. I told I tried to, but when I saw the first invasion of privacy I felt hurt. How could I have known that my accounts were going to be accessed without my knowledge when I left his apartment last Friday?
When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought I'd have some sentimental place in his heart instead of his ex-fiancé. I thought the time I spent as a girlfriend to him meant more to him than 17 years of friendship between him and his ex-fiancé. He came by my house on Wednesday unannounced saying that he has my stuff. He said that when I sent everything I wrote in regard to him, that he "saw a side of me that he wasn't paying attention to close enough." His words wen straight through my heart. He called me possessive for how I was behaving. But he had his ex-FIANCE over at his place because she looked at an apartment for 5 minutes and decided to sign the lease. He demanded the apartment and garage keys back because he didn't want someone at my apartment while someone else was there. I was so confused when he said that cause I was told by him that his ex-fiancé would have left by Tuesday, the day after he came by to drop off my stuff. So now I'm thinking "is she still there?" His ex-fiancé was supposed to leave on Tuesday, but it didn't sound like she left. I think he's going to give her my keys. He said he should've learned that he didn't want a relationship from his previous relationship with his ex-fiancé. I'm starting to understand why people aren't friends with their exes. From my POV, I saw the ex-fiancé steadily becoming more invasive, but it doesn't help that my boyfriend was letting it happen and not communicating his boundaries with her. From all the things I've heard going on with her, I do respect her and my heart goes out to her for the shit that she was dealing with, but I cannot overlook her poor decision making skills and in turn, the goal to sabotage my relationship with him. I asked him questions that I wrote about and ones I inquired about through text; He refused to address my concerns with silence and distance. He was stubborn to the idea of letting me go to his apartment to get all of my belongings. He told me to make a list and that if I'm missing something that I can't remember then oh well. He reminded me multiple times that he's got a flight to catch for Colorado cause he's graduating. I feel like that was a tactical move on his part because it was an easy way out of not talking to me. Later, I texted him that I love hard and am concise with my words, so I know that takes some getting used to. I did tell him I express myself better through writing than saying it out loud. No reply. I noticed that when breaking up with me, he didn't even say it outright. He wanted a long term relationship, but 4 months in he decided he didn't want a relationship. He told me that "it wasn't like years we were together." I'm just here thinking "Well, with everything that you promised and told me, I thought it was going to be that way. How else do I take "I wanna be with you forever?" Am I supposed to have some reservations about you telling me that so your heart can tell you no?"
I feel so stupid because I'm still conflicted on my feelings towards him. Earlier today, I sent him a message saying I was sorry for coming off as possessive and why I seemed that way and that I want to work with him and not against him.
On Wednesday, I got broken up with by my boyfriend of 4 months. He promised me that'd he love and adore me forever. I feel so stupid for falling over and over again to the same people who believe they're ready for a relationship, but later find out that they don't have balance.
Prior to my ex-boyfriend and I meeting:
- his ex-fiancé and him were childhood friends for 17+ years now
- They dated for 5 years or so
- He and his ex-fiancé moved into an apartment together. I think he was the only name on the lease.
- He proposes to her and are engaged to each other for maaybeee 1.5 yrs
- He calls off the engagement in 2023-2024. I'm more confident in saying 2024
March of this year
- We met on Tinder on January 25th of this year.
- He and I get together on March 1st
- Later in that month or so, he and I collaborate on a message for him to send to the ex-fiancé saying that he's in a romantic relationship with me. In hindsight, I don't think I should have ever done this. I think it's something he should've taken the initiative on.
- He tells me a bit of his financial situation. He keyed me in on his and the ex-fiancé's apartment lease ending in June
April / May
- The ex-fiancé tells him about her dating life with a new guy
- Things going south for the ex-fiancé and the new guy because he doesn't believe in her trauma and diagnosis
Spencer moves into his new apartment.
- May 1st, I have my job interview and get scheduled for an in-person interview
- May 6th, I have my in person interview. I get a call back saying I got the job and my start date is June 3rd. During this time, I'm stressed and anxious.
- May 24, my ex-boyfriend and I have the picnic date that I planned and made everything for. Around 6-7pm he gets a call from his ex-fiancé. She asks him if he was "fucking with her" because some characteristic of her dad, my boyfriend, and the new guy are commonalities. He asks ex-fiance for an apology some time during the date. She apologizes. They continue to be friends
June
June 6, He and I talk about our relationship. I opened up to him about my diagnosis', he said I understood. I wish I knew what my diagnosis means to him. He told me sometimes he feels great being in a romantic relationship with me and sometimes not at all. That really hurt. He walked me to the door and we exchanged forehead kisses and hugs and told each other that we love one another. I believed it then, now I'm not so sure.
June 7th, He sent me a text saying the lease on the apartment she was staying at has ended and she was moving into her new apartment. She couldn't because of cigarrete smoke and it being trashy. Spencer and Nova talk to apartment management, but they were being rude. The Nova is now staying at Spencer's apartment. I feel deceived. I remember my boyfriend telling me he wants the apartment to be like a 2nd home to me when my own home is becoming stressful. He moved closer to me instead of staying local to his workplace. He also tells me I'm no longer allowed into the apartment.
Over the course of the week, I feel ill and am not eating or taking care of myself unless it's related to work. I remember asking him after making out on my couch "what are we?" He said he didn't want a fling or a situationship -he wanted a relationship. He promised me so many thing and refused or didn't acknowledge the accountability I wanted and need to feel ok again. He promised that his apartment would be my second home when my own got too stressful. He moved closer to me instead of staying local to his workplace.
I asked about why his ex-fiancé signed the apartment lease with such horrible living conditions and he told me that she only looked at it for 5 minutes. I cannot explain how upset I feel and how more of a reason I have to believe her pulling this was a set up to tear him and I apart. Although his apartment was never mine, I feel like with everything he had said to me, that my words had weight. If we did have the conversation about his ex-fiancé staying over, I'd have been more ok with it since I was being included in the decision and not after it had already been made. I noticed when leaving his apartment last Friday, he was having issues balancing his work, family, friends, and our relationship. I feel deceived, betrayed, expendable, and a liability. I don't understand why I was the placeholder for what he wanted to do with his life. He promised me he's loyal to a fault; did the transparency with that promise not come with it? As I'm texting him throughout the week about the stress and uncertainty of our relationship, he greets me with cold callous distance. He had trouble taking accountability because, again, he was having issues on his end balancing his life and managing his stress. I feel deceived, expendable, betrayed, and a liability by his actions and how he approached everything. After work, I came to visit him cause I knew I wouldn't be able to for a while after that due to work. I don't get it. He fucked me on his couch the day before telling me his stance on our relationship. He said "I can feel uncertain and not wanting a relationship while deeply caring for someone." I don't know how he doesn't expect me to feel used.
Over text, I told him that I had reason to believe that some of my socials had been accessed and that they weren't me. I am confident in say that out of the 3 that were accessed, 2 of them were done by his ex-fiancé. I told him that the login details couldn't have been me because I was at work. He asked me if I signed into the TV and that I can sign out. I told I tried to, but when I saw the first invasion of privacy I felt hurt. How could I have known that my accounts were going to be accessed without my knowledge when I left his apartment last Friday?
When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I thought I'd have some sentimental place in his heart instead of his ex-fiancé. I thought the time I spent as a girlfriend to him meant more to him than 17 years of friendship between him and his ex-fiancé. He came by my house on Wednesday unannounced saying that he has my stuff. He said that when I sent everything I wrote in regard to him, that he "saw a side of me that he wasn't paying attention to close enough." His words wen straight through my heart. He called me possessive for how I was behaving. But he had his ex-FIANCE over at his place because she looked at an apartment for 5 minutes and decided to sign the lease. He demanded the apartment and garage keys back because he didn't want someone at my apartment while someone else was there. I was so confused when he said that cause I was told by him that his ex-fiancé would have left by Tuesday, the day after he came by to drop off my stuff. So now I'm thinking "is she still there?" His ex-fiancé was supposed to leave on Tuesday, but it didn't sound like she left. I think he's going to give her my keys. He said he should've learned that he didn't want a relationship from his previous relationship with his ex-fiancé. I'm starting to understand why people aren't friends with their exes. From my POV, I saw the ex-fiancé steadily becoming more invasive, but it doesn't help that my boyfriend was letting it happen and not communicating his boundaries with her. From all the things I've heard going on with her, I do respect her and my heart goes out to her for the shit that she was dealing with, but I cannot overlook her poor decision making skills and in turn, the goal to sabotage my relationship with him. I asked him questions that I wrote about and ones I inquired about through text; He refused to address my concerns with silence and distance. He was stubborn to the idea of letting me go to his apartment to get all of my belongings. He told me to make a list and that if I'm missing something that I can't remember then oh well. He reminded me multiple times that he's got a flight to catch for Colorado cause he's graduating. I feel like that was a tactical move on his part because it was an easy way out of not talking to me. Later, I texted him that I love hard and am concise with my words, so I know that takes some getting used to. I did tell him I express myself better through writing than saying it out loud. No reply. I noticed that when breaking up with me, he didn't even say it outright. He wanted a long term relationship, but 4 months in he decided he didn't want a relationship. He told me that "it wasn't like years we were together." I'm just here thinking "Well, with everything that you promised and told me, I thought it was going to be that way. How else do I take "I wanna be with you forever?" Am I supposed to have some reservations about you telling me that so your heart can tell you no?"
I feel so stupid because I'm still conflicted on my feelings towards him. Earlier today, I sent him a message saying I was sorry for coming off as possessive and why I seemed that way and that I want to work with him and not against him.
