bpd i’m the problem

[louboutinsuicide]

i'm the common denominator for all of my social failures. i don't see a point in continuing especially after this break up as i know the process will continue over and over. i never know if im the problem or them or the both of us. but ultimately i am always deemed as the perpetrator. deep down i just want to feel the bliss of knowing someone will be there for me, someone has chosen me. but i can never match their level of care whether it be emotional financial etc. i always have to fuck something up somehow. it's easy to be loved 1-2 months in up until the first major split and suddenly i am exposed as what i really am. i do not see this getting better. i do not see me ever being the victim for once or even on neutral ground of a relationship. i want to kill myself in his bed. selfish. i'd be warm and full of fuzzy thoughts of us but he will for sure discover the body. $20 is all it takes for me to harness the power to end my life. thank you low tolerance, you've given me a chance to do this painlessly and properly.
today he posted a story that i had to stalk him to see flashing his money, the 7-8k i helped him save with the caption All My Hard Work God is Good. you were broke when i met you nigga. why why am i always the bad guy. i make mistakes and people permanently absolutely villainize me. i can never leave or them when it's still decent and i could at least be remembered of somewhat fondly or with a "it just didn't work out". no i am always the bpd ex bitch manipulating narc that they tell their friends on an outing. in passing as though i have never loved them. as though i had never tried.
i guess the only solution is staying up until i am caught in headlights and run off the road into the woods again. why am i talking on the internet again. there is no one walking on this earth who has a good perception of me. and i always have to get myself involved and continue increasing those numbers.
he was the first person in the world to make me cum and that's a feat in of itself. me not like body + me not have sex drive. holy shit he is irreplaceable. i'm gonna have to start from 0 again. and the worst part is when i lose him i lose my housing everything. i helped him with some of that money. fuck you

 

[witchcraft]

I'm sorry you've been going through this. If you don't mind my asking, is BPD referring to bipolar or borderline? I was thinking the latter but don't want to assume, since I've seen the acronym used both ways in casual discourse.

EDIT: I re-read the post and I'm pretty sure it's referring to borderline. Anyway, I can relate. Since I graduated high school I've kept my distance from people. I've made friends from gaming online and they usually last 3-6 months if I stay very aloof. Eventually I have a really bad private crashout and just delete everybody though. Basically I've learned to just remove people from my life in-advance rather than make them push me away somehow. I'm aware that this behavior is still painful for people who are mildly empathetic but I find it's a "better" alternative to being unbearable to be around, slowly poisoning the relationship, and exploding directly at them or even in their virtual vicinity. I guess I consider myself "lucky" in that I'm introverted and often prefer to be alone / need alone time. Mega-cope.

tl;dr the best I can do is cutting all contact with people abruptly, maybe give a short one or two sentence explanation about how I'm depressed, hate myself, and hate my life, in the hopes that they at least don't think I'm crazy and don't feel guilty or directly attacked in any way