NSFW Blood. ( vent )

[LonelyPrince]

I have a weird fascination with my own blood. It's been like this for years.
When I accidentally bruise or cut myself I obsessively admire the wound multiple times throughout the day.

Whenever I would stop self harming I wouldn't keep a score on how long I was clean for nor did I care about that.
The only reason why I wasn't self harming in the first place was because It felt inconvenient for me to do so at the time, not because I was trying to recover.

Now that I don't go outside anymore and live confined to my room, that inconvenience is gone.
No one will ask me invasive questions about the hundreds of scars on my arms, nor will anyone see them.
Everytime I would bring up this obsession to my psychologists they looked visibly uncomfortable and would just forcibly change subject, so I didn't get to discuss much regarding this.

I can't tell if I'm just a masochist or if I'm so mentally fucked and cornered that externalising my pain physically on my body relieves me.

Daydreaming about me drowning in my own blood is one of the only things that calms me down sometimes.

 

[Chemi]

There's something almost hypnotic about watching the blood well up, like it's undeniable proof, that the hurt inside finally has a way out. It's like a visible mark showing exactly how deep the damage i caused went. Like opening a gate so all the heavy emotional stuff that's been trapped and building pressure can finally drip away. For me SH, is never really about the pain itself, it's more that quiet relief when the inside matches the outside for once.

It's really awful how your psychiatrists treated you. I understand it is hard for most people to understand the fascination but completely ignoring you, is kinda fucked up, especially since they should be used to people expressing similar stuff.

 

[Xi-Xi]

Yes, I feel the same.

I don't think your psychologists treating you like that is legal. They went to college, so they should be able to do their job properly. They should have been prepared.

 

[LonelyPrince]

There's something almost hypnotic about watching the blood well up, like it's undeniable proof, that the hurt inside finally has a way out. It's like a visible mark showing exactly how deep the damage i caused went. Like opening a gate so all the heavy emotional stuff that's been trapped and building pressure can finally drip away. For me SH, is never really about the pain itself, it's more that quiet relief when the inside matches the outside for once.

It's really awful how your psychiatrists treated you. I understand it is hard for most people to understand the fascination but completely ignoring you, is kinda fucked up, especially since they should be used to people expressing similar stuff.

Yes, exactly. The inside matches the outside.
Psychologists don't exactly seem to ignore me when I mention this fact but tend to recoil a bit and get quieter...so I take it as a sign to not continue and leave it there.
What's the point of psychologists if they are just gonna make you feel like you are the crazy person in the room.

Yes, I feel the same.

I don't think your psychologists treating you like that is legal. They went to college, so they should be able to do their job properly. They should have been prepared.

I feel like even if some people study for this job they just aren't prepared in certain aspects. It requires much more than just textbook psychology: intuition, empathy and patience etc...