glittergore
the sea, the sea
- Jun 16, 2020
- 119
I can feel myself starting to slip again. It starts like this: suddenly, I wake up after four hours of sleep and feel fine. Perhaps it's just a fluke, an aberration? But no, the whole day I deal with simmering agitation; requests that are made of me ignite resentment, everyone seems wrong, or obnoxious, or somehow of lesser value, despite the fact I know in some corner of my mind that lies beyond a widening chasm that I love them. Sometimes, my sleep stabilizes at that lower baseline for awhile, but other times, like now, it crashes. I can not sleep at all, nor do I want to sleep - sleep seems pathetic, unsuitable, disgusting. I can feel myself getting angrier and angrier, loftier and loftier, as each second passes by. Any moment now, I will feel like a god, and I will stop eating, because gods don't have to eat, and I will exercise all day, because gods have no physical limitations. My last prolonged manic episode, I lost 70 pounds. Maybe, this time around, I'll break my record. I will stop speaking to my loved ones as much as possible, as they do not exist on the higher plane of my existence, nor do I want them to. I will drive all night, occasionally getting out of my car to bask in a world without others, to manifest the fringe I feel in my marrow.
All of this being said, I might crash after a week and revert back to dull, suicidal me, the one that lives in a flesh-rotting void, the one that is only a mirage of a human being. Till then, let's see what happens with all this energy.
All of this being said, I might crash after a week and revert back to dull, suicidal me, the one that lives in a flesh-rotting void, the one that is only a mirage of a human being. Till then, let's see what happens with all this energy.
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