Venting Being pathetic one last time

[princeseadove]

I decided to message a friend about everything and anything regarding our charscters tigether. It feels pathetic, I must have sent dozens of messages already with no read or answer… but I want to get it off my chest. I don't have an audience or anyone to really share it off.. I mean I do but it feels so meaningless now. @ some point I begin to accept my death, fully. They are things I won't be seeing or hearing or experiencing. My life will end, so that's why I tell him all that I have thought of. I am tired, of trying. I know now, I haven't really tried. I am moving, I'll get a fresh new start, I have joined discord servers and what not. But I always distance myself anyways. It's really my fault. Somebody in a fandom I'm in, committed suicide last Friday for similar reasons to me. And I saw how they were shamed and called a sinner by their family, and I know it'll be the same for me. Through their death, I saw my own. I wasnt sad, I just thought I'll be joining them soon. It makes me really sad that I can't properly mourn… but that comes with being mentally ill I suppose. I can't restart, I can't continue... I don't want to. And unlike yukfa I won't be missed for my writing or srt.. I hardly have any. I'll just die. But I don't need to be remembered. I'll rather everyone forget it all so I know my death will be justified.

I continue to message my friend even thru writing this, I have the feeling I'm being ignored. I think I am, but that's okay… these feelings and being so pathetic and hideous will end

 

[Jadeith]

I know now, I haven't really tried.

You did. That's why you're tired.

But I always distance myself anyways. It's really my fault.

Incorrect. Any human interaction requires 2 or more people. It won't work when it is only you who's trying. And "crowds" like Discord aren't best places to find genuine connections. not because it is bad place and bad people. It's because it is very easy to get overlooked in any crowd.

Somebody in a fandom I'm in, committed suicide last Friday

Sorry for your loss

I saw how they were shamed and called a sinner by their family

Ah, yes. loving, understanding, supportive family. Faults everywhere but not in themselves.

It makes me really sad that I can't properly mourn…

Then, let's do it here. Together.
Here: ['] a little flickering flame of memory. And this memory of your friend will live as long as you let it burn inside you.

And unlike yukfa I won't be missed for my writing or srt..

You will be missed for sth else then. But you will be missed. And don't lie to yourself that you won't.

I'll rather everyone forget it all so I know my death will be justified.

Yup, i dream of something similar. Be forgotten so noone would get hurt when i finally stop breathing. Doesn't work that way unfortunately. There's always that at least one mf that you wouldn't even suspect that they would be missing you. As the song goes..... "isn't it ironic? Don't you think?"

 

[princeseadove]

You did. That's why you're tired.

Incorrect. Any human interaction requires 2 or more people. It won't work when it is only you who's trying. And "crowds" like Discord aren't best places to find genuine connections. not because it is bad place and bad people. It's because it is very easy to get overlooked in any crowd.

Sorry for your loss

Ah, yes. loving, understanding, supportive family. Faults everywhere but not in themselves.


Then, let's do it here. Together.
Here: ['] a little flickering flame of memory. And this memory of your friend will live as long as you let it burn inside you.

You will be missed for sth else then. But you will be missed. And don't lie to yourself that you won't.


Yup, i dream of something similar. Be forgotten so noone would get hurt when i finally stop breathing. Doesn't work that way unfortunately. There's always that at least one mf that you wouldn't even suspect that they would be missing you. As the song goes..... "isn't it ironic? Don't you think?"

It's better enough, ironically enough. I can do this ans do that. I tried so so hard, that I forget all the attempts that I had made. But what if it's not enough? That's what I ask myself everyday, but… wuth no support there's little that can be done. I wasnt close with yukfa unfortunately, I hardly knew her and I can't consider her a friend… however I adored her art. She was really talented and kind from what I have seen. It was a true loss in the community, but all I can do is think about my own death. What right do I have to mourn her?

I wanted to be known for my art and writing as well, but due to my depression I hardly done anything. And all the things I did and posted will be forgotten about eventually. I know afe who will be truly torn up about it, and sometimes I really relish on the thought that I'll be causing them pain… but sometimes like this time, I'll rather be forgotten.

 

[Jadeith]

But what if it's not enough?

You are still here, no? That fight, depression and all is not sth you win once and be done with it. It's a long, exhausting campaign. And it cannot be predicted that things you do now will be enough in the future. But then again, it also cannot be predicted that they won't be. So far they were enough as you are still here and fighting.

What right do I have to mourn her?

Same as i do, though i've never met her or seen her art. It is natural to mourn another's passing. Especially when we both know her end was premature and caused by great suffering.

And all the things I did and posted will be forgotten about eventually.

Maybe they will be, Maybe they won't, at least not immediately. You'll never know for sure if your creation moved someone's heart to a pooint that they will carry memory of you to the grave.

I really relish on the thought that I'll be causing them pain…

Just keep in mind that "revenge" suicide almost never works. Those who wronged you most probably will be at least indifferent to your death. It's the ones who care about you that will suffer.

 

[princeseadove]

You are still here, no? That fight, depression and all is not sth you win once and be done with it. It's a long, exhausting campaign. And it cannot be predicted that things you do now will be enough in the future. But then again, it also cannot be predicted that they won't be. So far they were enough as you are still here and fighting.

Same as i do, though i've never met her or seen her art. It is natural to mourn another's passing. Especially when we both know her end was premature and caused by great suffering.

Maybe they will be, Maybe they won't, at least not immediately. You'll never know for sure if your creation moved someone's heart to a pooint that they will carry memory of you to the grave.

Just keep in mind that "revenge" suicide almost never works. Those who wronged you most probably will be at least indifferent to your death. It's the ones who care about you that will suffer.

To be honest I don't even know what to call this kind of sucidide. It's less against those who wronged me, and out of anger. I feel like everyone has failed me, especially the people who claimed to love and care ab me. And they do, to a large extent thet do but not enough. I want to hurt them. No rather, I want to prove that I was hurting. They should have been nicer, less careless with the promises and at least hear me. But they didn't and bever will. When I make friends, they always turn up rlly rude and mean to me at first… Iys until I try realkt hard that they finally see me and apologize. Even than they don't really care for their actions. They forgive themselves before I forgive them. I'm just so angry with them, for not wanting to see how much effort I put in but what can I even do now? Always, always always always. People get a feeling about me and hate me, and than at the end theh feel bad. Or they wrong me and dont realize it. I'm tired of the apologies, I'm tired of trying to earn peoples love. I'm tired and angry

 

[Jadeith]

It seem to me that it's not "you" problem but society problem in general. People nowadays are so self centered, so devoid of even basic empathy that they hurt those around them without even noticing. And even if they do somehow notice - they don't care.
Still, i believe that what you aim to do is a form of revenge or punishment suicide. You want them to suffer because of your death. Thing is - you will lose everything and they? Maybe few tears. If they didn't care enough (or at all) when you were alive, why would they start caring when you're gone? And more importantly - what you gain from all of it? Only nonexistence which is tempting, i admit, but from what you wrote, it seem to me that you want sth more. And that "more" is only achievable while you draw breath.

I'm tired and angry

..yes, i know it's not much, virtual hug from internet nobody but still. i hope it'll help. Even if a little.

 

[princeseadove]

It seem to me that it's not "you" problem but society problem in general. People nowadays are so self centered, so devoid of even basic empathy that they hurt those around them without even noticing. And even if they do somehow notice - they don't care.
Still, i believe that what you aim to do is a form of revenge or punishment suicide. You want them to suffer because of your death. Thing is - you will lose everything and they? Maybe few tears. If they didn't care enough (or at all) when you were alive, why would they start caring when you're gone? And more importantly - what you gain from all of it? Only nonexistence which is tempting, i admit, but from what you wrote, it seem to me that you want sth more. And that "more" is only achievable while you draw breath.



..yes, i know it's not much, virtual hug from internet nobody but still. i hope it'll help. Even if a little.

I realized that too after a while, that I gain absolutely nothing from this. But it's not jist revenge or punishment, I'm tired too. I want to be kind, I want to love people I want to be happy. But no matter what I do it's not enough, it's never enough. I'm autistic and so so mentally ill, right from the get go I won't get the patience or understanding.. let alone anyone to want to do any of that haha. All my close friends know that I will be doing this, and they gave up on making an effort. I want to at least be kind. I want to be my true self and I want to believe that true self is kind and creates so so much. Thank you so much

 

[hurb]

I remember reading this somewhere , but the opposite of love isn't hatred, its indifference. I know how it feels to have a very small circle and being ignored by the one person u held dearly.
whatever happens , please remember one thing , we tried , we have been trying we are still trying till the day we die. we die trying

 

[Jadeith]

I'm tired too.

Shhhhhhhhshhhhh.... {gentle headpats included}
It's ok to be tired. It's ok to allow yourself to rest. It doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you human. And that:

I want to be kind, I want to love people I want to be happy

makes you a human with golden heart. Not many of these nowadays. Just keep in mind - gold is soft metal. It can be dented and there will be people who will hurt you, intentionally or by indifference. But it is also hard to taint and very precious so it would be vise to protect it.

 

[princeseadove]

I remember reading this somewhere , but the opposite of love isn't hatred, its indifference. I know how it feels to have a very small circle and being ignored by the one person u held dearly.
whatever happens , please remember one thing , we tried , we have been trying we are still trying till the day we die. we die trying

Thank you, it's so much especially w thé headaches… it's really tiring..

Shhhhhhhhshhhhh.... {gentle headpats included}
It's ok to be tired. It's ok to allow yourself to rest. It doesn't make you pathetic. It makes you human. And that:

makes you a human with golden heart. Not many of these nowadays. Just keep in mind - gold is soft metal. It can be dented and there will be people who will hurt you, intentionally or by indifference. But it is also hard to taint and very precious so it would be vise to protect it.

Thank you so much, I'll try my best to keep my gold pure.. thank you