Venting Being neurodivergent is one of the main reasons why I can't bare living anymore

[amerie]

Hi guys, i've been lurking here for over a year now and I am finally ready to start posting, i'm excited to be in a place with people who get it. I'm kinda new to forums so pls (kindly) tell me if i'm screwing up in some way! Anyways, i'm rlly suicidal and have been since childhood, I do not plan on CTB'ing within the next 5 years but trust i'm 90% sure it's how im exiting this fucked up world, and being neurodivergent is one of my top reasons.

Now before yall go "another quirky neurospicy manic pixie dream girl bitching on forums again" this is not going to be your typical post viewing it through a romanticized lens. I have ADHD and suspected undiagnosed autism and was in special ed for years, I was so socially mal adapted that I had like 0 friends and I was suicidal as a 9 year old. Even with the accommodations I still struggled in school and never felt like I received actual help and guidance and was just left to suffer and burden everyone. People say that they support disabilities but even as an adult I still feel socially excluded and people call me weird for the smallest "ick" traits I have, and the worst part is I can't even get mad at them, imagine having an autistic kid run up to you and fart in your face randomly, or have to deal with them throwing shit all over the room. Unfortunately it's a disability at the end of the day and people have the right to be frustrated, humans aren't supposed to have brains like this and I wish autism silly girl tik tok would talk about this side more instead of pushing for radical unmasking without discussing potential consequences and how we arent really disabled and just special.

Not to mention, I just hate having a creative mind full of so many dreams and ideas and just watching them go to waste in real time because I can't focus or get out of bed or being overstimluated and in pain thus being unable to continue. There's so many things I want to do and keep daydreaming about but realistically I know it will never be a reality for me. It hurts going on forums and seeing Autism mommies and teachers just talk about how much we burden them and the truth is I can't even defend myself because the reality is we ARE a burden, we need so much attention for the simplest shit anyone can do. I just wish that it was more socially acceptable to abort neurodivergent kids after discovering it on a genetic test, I wish being neurodivergent was an acceptable excuse to get a lethal injection, I just want to disappear. I can't bare living in a world I simply wasn't made for. This isn't a superpower, this is living hell.

 

[ChaiTea]

let me know if you want to vent :) i have friends struggling with similar things, though i dont think to the same extent. it'd be nice to get a deeper understanding if you're ok with it

 

[Major Tom]

I got tbi as an infant because of my parents, and now have ADHD and OCD. Through the side effects of adderall from age 6, I changed from extrovert to introvert, through emotional stunting and anxiety. This lead to social difficulties and isolation. There are also other factors that fucked me up like chronic insomnia or bad parenting. All in all my life is shattered because of external factors, and even the achievements I got, where duo to circumstances. Like intelligence which are genetics and resilience which I got through my experiences.

So the realization of all this let me to being suicidal.

I currently don't know if I want to push on with all this.

 

[youwantitdarker]

Hey fellow neurodivirgent peep! I also suspect I have autism. It's very hard - the world simply isn't made with ND people in mind and it's so damn difficult and isolating. It's a constant uphill battle, where everything and everyone is against you

 

[unknown23]

Also neurodivergent here and that makes so much sense to me. I feel how can I accept myself when I know I am the reason I am struggling. My ability to communicate will not improve, my awareness of individuals or ability to fit in. I have always felt on the side lines and I question sometimes if any amount of support will make me feel included in my own life. My strengths are also from my autism other people point those out but it makes it harder as people don't understand if I'm having a good or bad day by looking at me. I was called a mature child and now an immature adult.

 

[mango-meridian]

I have tried soooooooooooo hard to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with being autistic and that it's just the world's fault for not being more accommodating.

Sometimes I actually succeed. Most of the time I don't. There are situations where it seems almost undeniable that people are put off by the the things I do & say. And I think I do & say those things because of autism. But I don't know really.

 

[amerie]

I have tried soooooooooooo hard to convince myself that there is nothing wrong with being autistic and that it's just the world's fault for not being more accommodating.

Sometimes I actually succeed. Most of the time I don't. There are situations where it seems almost undeniable that people are put off by the the things I do & say. And I think I do & say those things because of autism. But I don't know really.

I feel the same way as you, i'm so angry at myself because all my trauma wouldnt have happened if I was just normal enough.

 

[willow115]

Being an autistic woman has been nothing but a curse to me too. I'm maladaptive and struggle to function. It's definitely not a silly, fun life. We do get traumatized. It's a life of sensitivities, social and practical failures, being abused by the wrong people because of our vulnerabilities, and emotional dysregulation.

 

[painfuleternity]

ive never felt so seen and understood ny anyone. Im also neurodivegent (dyslexia autism and suspected adhd) and I fucking hate it. im too "high support needs" to get a job. ill be a fucking neet living with abusive parents who dont believe in mental health for decades if i cant ctb. i hope you find a way out of this miserable existance.

 

[We Are Angels]

Honestly, neurodivergence is Game Over. You can't form relationships, which removes a lot of oppurtunity and support most people get. On top of that, eveything is harder for us.

I (ideally) should be a NEET, or working part time at most, due to my level of executive dusfuction, but unfortunatly, I was born to abusive parents and now I must live on my own. I need to make bread, but I'm not good at this rat race crap. Its either going to be CTB, or I will need to live in a van to escape the constant stress of stuff like rent.

The high cost of living and inflation is going to kill depressed loners like me long before the sheepish masses recongnize the economy as the problem.

 

[glossble]

I can relate! I have ADHD, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, BPD and OCD, my life is always in hard mode. But unfortunately, our society was created by normies for other normies to live in and enjoy the life, while we try to fit into their world our entire lives. Also everyone likes to pretend that they care about us, yet neurodivergent adults receive no support or understanding, we are expected to get a job, work and be normal and useful members of society...

 

[CTB Dream]

V sry, ya undrstd me autisti add injury damage,, this autism make unq add me unq injury damage ,live v lone exp nobod undrstd

 

[amerie]

Honestly, neurodivergence is Game Over. You can't form relationships, which removes a lot of oppurtunity and support most people get. On top of that, eveything is harder for us.

I (ideally) should be a NEET, or working part time at most, due to my level of executive dusfuction, but unfortunatly, I was born to abusive parents and now I must live on my own. I need to make bread, but I'm not good at this rat race crap. Its either going to be CTB, or I will need to live in a van to escape the constant stress of stuff like rent.

The high cost of living and inflation is going to kill depressed loners like me long before the sheepish masses recongnize the economy as the problem.

Heavy on the "game over", I don't know why there's so much in fighting within the ADHD/Autism community on the "privledge" of being diagnosed because either way if you have it you're cooked. If you're gifted you will spend years of your life wondering what's wrong with you and not getting the help you need because you're "smart and high achieving" and if you're lower functioning you'll probably get physically abused and thrown around like a rag doll or molested by an aide and you can't fight back because you're nonverbal and people treat you like a human parasite, just look on autism parent reddit and how much they talk about wanting to kill their kid. It's why I refuse to have biological children in fear that I'll pass it onto them, you have to work so much harder regardless if you're high functioning or low functioning.

I can relate! I have ADHD, anxiety, depression, an eating disorder, BPD and OCD, my life is always in hard mode. But unfortunately, our society was created by normies for other normies to live in and enjoy the life, while we try to fit into their world our entire lives. Also everyone likes to pretend that they care about us, yet neurodivergent adults receive no support or understanding, we are expected to get a job, work and be normal and useful members of society...

People support disabilities until I actually show symptoms of the disorder I told them I had (they thought ADHD was another word for silly and cute) (they will proceed to tell me im just lazy or that i need to try harder and make 0 effort to be understanding of my condition)

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

You know what's the worst part of being neurodivergent? If your parents are not present in your early life for a myriad of reasons , nobody is there to teach you how to react and since you're likely to be more empathetic or believe that the world is kinder than it really is, you are gonna slowly but surely let them abuse you by lending a helping hand to whom you believe is your family or your friend, only for them to drag you down with them.

A child who was never taught by healthy people has literally no chance of comeback most of the time because they are thrown in the gutter immediately. It feels like a punishment, like your whole life is a sick punishment in a world with rules that you don't even understand. What you are punished for and what you need to do to serve that punishment and be free is also a mystery for you because nobody taught you anything but they decided that you are ready to face punishment and that there is no exceptions or mercy.