sashaisalone
Shattered Angel
- Mar 24, 2026
- 47
I was looking through saved text files looking for something that I wrote about what I wish my ex would have told me that would have saved our relationship. I found this instead. I was in a trans peer support group and I was finding more and more people shunning me and gossiping and trying to isolate me from my local community. This was partially over the more granular philosophical discussion, and over relationship drama. I had sucked and fucked half the trannies in my town, and got my heart broken plenty because I'm a BPD retard who would instantly disrobe for any vaguely hot person who gives me positive attention and makes me feel superficially validated or special. This was a soy essay/manifesto I wrote announcing my departure from the peer support group late July/Early August of last year. Listen to all of the hurt and despair in my words paired with me intelligently articulating what is wrong while also voicing how powerless I am for this to get better. I've been carrying hurt that I can intelligently explain like this too long. I think it was always going to end up like this with me going on a forum many journalists, NGOs, and activists describe as "pro-suicide" because I wish I was dead, and considering more seriously what my options are.
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Hello, it's soy essay time.
This letter will mark my departure from this space. This clearly isn't working, and I clearly don't belong. Don't worry about deleting this if what I same comes across as "problematic" or "triggering", I'm backing this letter up in a text file, and I can DM it to anyone who adds me or already has me friended.
So why am I writing this? We need a better community. A community where we actually uplift each other and we know how to stand together strong. I've been on the receiving end of community infighting not just here, but elsewhere. I also see the both the trans community self sabotaging, but I'm also increasingly convinced that what to me and so many others is a serious identity we feel at the very center of our being has been co-opted for a radical political agenda to abolish gender that no one other than fringe academics and a small minority of the population of the population wants. They are doing this not to uplift me or many of you like me. Gender abolitionism is at the expense of transsexuals.
That said, I've tried so many different ways to be conciliatory and couch my language carefully. I've explained in no uncertain terms why I disagree with the underlying premises of transmedicalism, and that I think stringent gatekeeping can often do more to harm than keep us cohesive. I don't want to define transgender as a pathology, I don't want to define transness through suffering. I want so badly to see beauty and poetry in our existence as unpleasant as gender dysphoria may be to experience. However I can never both be honest with my self and my principle beliefs without people soying out and castigating me. I'm becoming so jaded and worn down. It's hard to think how my life couldn't be better if I was cisgender. My mind and body have been abominably ravaged and destroyed by testosterone for too long. I feel like I can never feel at home with my own existence. There are so many people who adopt trans labels who do not meaningfully function in society outside their natal who gender can't say the same.
I'll tell a short story to illustrate a point. I talk about these sorts of things with my therapist all the time. What is trans? Why am I trans? When I initially sought her as a client, I wrote my gender identity as "undetermined" and went by he/they pronouns and had a receded hairline, my egg on the verge of cracking. She seemed to largely agree with my point of view and found it consistent with the literature that there's some underlying psychological process or feeling that is the basis for your gender identity, and that being trans is not a choice people make for the hell of it. But she also agreed with my understanding that you don't have to fit the clinical threshold for a gender dysphoria diagnosis in order to be transgender. She even told me that she had a minor client, natal female who needed her to sign off on him beginning FTM gender transition as a minor. She explained to me that this client was very resolute and adaptive, and that he was going through a somewhat weak female puberty and thus wasn't that dysfunctional because of his gender identity, but he was still a good candidate for FTM gender transition none the less, so she signed for him to begin transition because he was authentically transgender in her eyes despite not reaching the clinical threshold for a GD diagnosis. I'm hoping that he's 18 now with the NC ban and was able to continue his transition uninterrupted. This was something I was trying to get at when I wrote about the stuff in my textbook and how I felt like that clearly articulates my justification for early intervention of gender care, the need for it to be made affordable through insurance, that it's not something you choose to be for the hell of it, but we can do this while keeping gatekeeping minimal, and not defining transness as a pathology.
However after the supreme court decision upholding the minor gender care ban in Tennessee and the fact that they cited prominent activist redefining of gender to mean "anyone identifying as anything for any reason", I believe it was Thomas, he deduced from this that being trans is not an immutable trait and in fact an elective choice. If that's true, indeed, how do we justify experimental and elective treatments on kids who are going through phases and might be confused for no discernable medical justification? Also, how do we advocate supposedly that there's no immutability to gender identity without the natural conclusion being that bans on transition would therefore not be discriminating based upon an immutable trait? The truth is, we can't. If we're to justify the ethics and importance of gender care philosophically, legally, and from a medical and psychiatric disciplinary approach, telling people that kids have the right to permanently alter their sexual biology for purely elective cosmetic purposes and not only that, you as a regular citizen have to have your tax dollars funneled to subsidize this and/or you have your private insurance premiums go up, it's not a winning message. With the demagogues running the anti-trans propaganda machine putting a megaphone to these idiosyncrasies and using this rather niche issue to distract and create a convenient scapegoat, this form of advocacy doesn't help. Activists and gender studies professors write half of the propaganda that anti-trans activists use.
Common people like simplicity. People like to avoid friction and inconvenience. So much of activism hasn't been centered on assimilating transsexuals into existing categories, giving people a more expansive understanding of gender and sex, and showing that transsexuals are more than just normal people who don't want to hurt you, but often brilliant people who are deeply intelligent and insightful, and people's lives are made richer by the existence of trans people. Instead, it's telling people to obsess over pronouns, it's been guilting people who don't instantly understand many counter-intuitive ideas on activist redefining of gender, and it's telling people that anyone can identify as trans for any reason, and when they do, you instantly owe them everything, but they owe you nothing. These could be rather inconsequential grievances that people learn to roll with, and they did for a while. But as soon as the anti-trans propaganda machine messaged to those grievances and told them that this is part of an evil satanic post-modern-neomarxist plot to enrich big pharma and confuse your kids into thinking they are broken and need mutilation to feel whole, public opinion of trans people plummeted precipitously.
To be clear, I am not asking for the barriers to gender transition to be more perilous. I want gender care to be accessible, effective, expedient, and properly serving those who truly need it. That, and third or intermediate gender categories have been a thing known in many cultures and civilizations, including western ones. I don't believe in gender being a rigid binary, and while it may be more challenging to advocate for than traditional cross sex gender transition, with the right messaging, nonbinary should be a normal acceptable thing to be. That, and both cis and trans people alike often don't perfectly fit perfect prototypes of what it means to be a gender/sex. I tie to my own experience that open mindedness and compassion for people needing different things and experiencing the world and themselves differently is important. After my initial egg crack, I did not assume an immediate trans woman identity. I initially identified as nonbinary, and I delayed hormonal transition because I didn't know where or how to transition androgynously with SERMs like raloxifene or tamoxifen. I worried that traditional HRT wouldn't undo the damage I had undergone from testosterone, and I'd just be an even more hideous man but now with gynecomastia. I only started HRT initially at a conservative dosing as a last resort, because I concluded that it couldn't possibly be worse, and that I need a chance to live to 30.
A large part of me does want to see beauty in my quirky existence as a trans woman, an identity I found resonated with me as I developed breasts and found social transition placed me more in the woman category than an intermediate one, and thus I found out that woman is what I wanted to be after all. If I had transitioned younger and were more beautiful, I would not wish to be cisgender. I am likely long term to decline vaginoplasty. While I want to do my best to be a beautiful woman and exist under the category of woman in day to day life, I'm also semi content with being a gynandromorphic hermaphrodite. Sex and gender diversity are beautiful. My existence stands in defiance of conventions that a woman is nothing without her female reproductive biology. Not only do I deserve to belong and feel beautiful, so do cis women who for whatever reason are sterile. Woman is a way of being. It's not a political statement, and it's not being a breeding machine tooled for a patriarchal society.
I've considered taking an even more vindictive and spiteful tone. I don't understand for instance why someone who is cissexual would want to identify as transgender. No one has really explained to me why in a way I find satisfactory and either resonates with my component beliefs nor in a way that makes me rethink them. The way I see it, so much of how we perceive gender in society is based on sexual dimorphism and secondary sex traits. If you want to exist as a new target gender, I don't understand why you'd decline not only having your biology augmented in a way that suits your identity, but not even make a good faith effort to appear as the gender opposite your natal gender, or something in between. That, and it feels like many cissexuals don't have their gender identity as an integral sense of their self. It's more like something they superficially adopt either as a feeble way of subverting gender stereotypes, as a coping mechanism for how they feel some of their gender nonconformity is socially stifled by gender norms, or trauma associated with their observable gender. Going back to what I said about my own exploration of nonbinary, I fail to understand why nonbinary people aren't screaming for medical interventions that do induce androgyny. Why aren't SERMs part of WPATH protocol for nonbinary natal males? Why isn't nandrolone part of WPATH protocols for nonbinary natal females?
I don't know if this means transsexuals like myself need to create a separatist movement and vocally disown cissexuals as "trenders" or attention seeking people to be ignored. This idea is especially alluring when many cissexuals who adopt trans identities are often transmisogynistic and belittling to my transsexual experience. It's funny, I've been accused so many times of being "transmedicalist" because of how I've expressed my beliefs about gender identity being immutable and medical intervention being important. It feels like rather than convincing me to lean more into self-ID and have a more fluid understanding of gender identity, you've convinced me of the exact opposite. If you've ever had a parent, you'll know "because I said so" isn't a convincing reason to do what someone said, and it comes across as bossy and unreasonable. A more fussy and stubborn child might rebel and put their foot down, and even for the more agreeable, you can still frustrate their threshold of noncompliance with repetition and duration.
The real truth is, I'm despairing. I feel like my existence is broken, society doesn't want me, my own community doesn't want me, and any purpose I could have had has been thoroughly squandered. I want to make the world a better place. I want trans people to be able to start young and turn out beautiful and well adjusted, something that I was denied, and I can't undo. I worry that it's too late for me to belong, to heal, to be accomplished and beautiful. So indeed this is goodbye.
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Hello, it's soy essay time.
This letter will mark my departure from this space. This clearly isn't working, and I clearly don't belong. Don't worry about deleting this if what I same comes across as "problematic" or "triggering", I'm backing this letter up in a text file, and I can DM it to anyone who adds me or already has me friended.
So why am I writing this? We need a better community. A community where we actually uplift each other and we know how to stand together strong. I've been on the receiving end of community infighting not just here, but elsewhere. I also see the both the trans community self sabotaging, but I'm also increasingly convinced that what to me and so many others is a serious identity we feel at the very center of our being has been co-opted for a radical political agenda to abolish gender that no one other than fringe academics and a small minority of the population of the population wants. They are doing this not to uplift me or many of you like me. Gender abolitionism is at the expense of transsexuals.
That said, I've tried so many different ways to be conciliatory and couch my language carefully. I've explained in no uncertain terms why I disagree with the underlying premises of transmedicalism, and that I think stringent gatekeeping can often do more to harm than keep us cohesive. I don't want to define transgender as a pathology, I don't want to define transness through suffering. I want so badly to see beauty and poetry in our existence as unpleasant as gender dysphoria may be to experience. However I can never both be honest with my self and my principle beliefs without people soying out and castigating me. I'm becoming so jaded and worn down. It's hard to think how my life couldn't be better if I was cisgender. My mind and body have been abominably ravaged and destroyed by testosterone for too long. I feel like I can never feel at home with my own existence. There are so many people who adopt trans labels who do not meaningfully function in society outside their natal who gender can't say the same.
I'll tell a short story to illustrate a point. I talk about these sorts of things with my therapist all the time. What is trans? Why am I trans? When I initially sought her as a client, I wrote my gender identity as "undetermined" and went by he/they pronouns and had a receded hairline, my egg on the verge of cracking. She seemed to largely agree with my point of view and found it consistent with the literature that there's some underlying psychological process or feeling that is the basis for your gender identity, and that being trans is not a choice people make for the hell of it. But she also agreed with my understanding that you don't have to fit the clinical threshold for a gender dysphoria diagnosis in order to be transgender. She even told me that she had a minor client, natal female who needed her to sign off on him beginning FTM gender transition as a minor. She explained to me that this client was very resolute and adaptive, and that he was going through a somewhat weak female puberty and thus wasn't that dysfunctional because of his gender identity, but he was still a good candidate for FTM gender transition none the less, so she signed for him to begin transition because he was authentically transgender in her eyes despite not reaching the clinical threshold for a GD diagnosis. I'm hoping that he's 18 now with the NC ban and was able to continue his transition uninterrupted. This was something I was trying to get at when I wrote about the stuff in my textbook and how I felt like that clearly articulates my justification for early intervention of gender care, the need for it to be made affordable through insurance, that it's not something you choose to be for the hell of it, but we can do this while keeping gatekeeping minimal, and not defining transness as a pathology.
However after the supreme court decision upholding the minor gender care ban in Tennessee and the fact that they cited prominent activist redefining of gender to mean "anyone identifying as anything for any reason", I believe it was Thomas, he deduced from this that being trans is not an immutable trait and in fact an elective choice. If that's true, indeed, how do we justify experimental and elective treatments on kids who are going through phases and might be confused for no discernable medical justification? Also, how do we advocate supposedly that there's no immutability to gender identity without the natural conclusion being that bans on transition would therefore not be discriminating based upon an immutable trait? The truth is, we can't. If we're to justify the ethics and importance of gender care philosophically, legally, and from a medical and psychiatric disciplinary approach, telling people that kids have the right to permanently alter their sexual biology for purely elective cosmetic purposes and not only that, you as a regular citizen have to have your tax dollars funneled to subsidize this and/or you have your private insurance premiums go up, it's not a winning message. With the demagogues running the anti-trans propaganda machine putting a megaphone to these idiosyncrasies and using this rather niche issue to distract and create a convenient scapegoat, this form of advocacy doesn't help. Activists and gender studies professors write half of the propaganda that anti-trans activists use.
Common people like simplicity. People like to avoid friction and inconvenience. So much of activism hasn't been centered on assimilating transsexuals into existing categories, giving people a more expansive understanding of gender and sex, and showing that transsexuals are more than just normal people who don't want to hurt you, but often brilliant people who are deeply intelligent and insightful, and people's lives are made richer by the existence of trans people. Instead, it's telling people to obsess over pronouns, it's been guilting people who don't instantly understand many counter-intuitive ideas on activist redefining of gender, and it's telling people that anyone can identify as trans for any reason, and when they do, you instantly owe them everything, but they owe you nothing. These could be rather inconsequential grievances that people learn to roll with, and they did for a while. But as soon as the anti-trans propaganda machine messaged to those grievances and told them that this is part of an evil satanic post-modern-neomarxist plot to enrich big pharma and confuse your kids into thinking they are broken and need mutilation to feel whole, public opinion of trans people plummeted precipitously.
To be clear, I am not asking for the barriers to gender transition to be more perilous. I want gender care to be accessible, effective, expedient, and properly serving those who truly need it. That, and third or intermediate gender categories have been a thing known in many cultures and civilizations, including western ones. I don't believe in gender being a rigid binary, and while it may be more challenging to advocate for than traditional cross sex gender transition, with the right messaging, nonbinary should be a normal acceptable thing to be. That, and both cis and trans people alike often don't perfectly fit perfect prototypes of what it means to be a gender/sex. I tie to my own experience that open mindedness and compassion for people needing different things and experiencing the world and themselves differently is important. After my initial egg crack, I did not assume an immediate trans woman identity. I initially identified as nonbinary, and I delayed hormonal transition because I didn't know where or how to transition androgynously with SERMs like raloxifene or tamoxifen. I worried that traditional HRT wouldn't undo the damage I had undergone from testosterone, and I'd just be an even more hideous man but now with gynecomastia. I only started HRT initially at a conservative dosing as a last resort, because I concluded that it couldn't possibly be worse, and that I need a chance to live to 30.
A large part of me does want to see beauty in my quirky existence as a trans woman, an identity I found resonated with me as I developed breasts and found social transition placed me more in the woman category than an intermediate one, and thus I found out that woman is what I wanted to be after all. If I had transitioned younger and were more beautiful, I would not wish to be cisgender. I am likely long term to decline vaginoplasty. While I want to do my best to be a beautiful woman and exist under the category of woman in day to day life, I'm also semi content with being a gynandromorphic hermaphrodite. Sex and gender diversity are beautiful. My existence stands in defiance of conventions that a woman is nothing without her female reproductive biology. Not only do I deserve to belong and feel beautiful, so do cis women who for whatever reason are sterile. Woman is a way of being. It's not a political statement, and it's not being a breeding machine tooled for a patriarchal society.
I've considered taking an even more vindictive and spiteful tone. I don't understand for instance why someone who is cissexual would want to identify as transgender. No one has really explained to me why in a way I find satisfactory and either resonates with my component beliefs nor in a way that makes me rethink them. The way I see it, so much of how we perceive gender in society is based on sexual dimorphism and secondary sex traits. If you want to exist as a new target gender, I don't understand why you'd decline not only having your biology augmented in a way that suits your identity, but not even make a good faith effort to appear as the gender opposite your natal gender, or something in between. That, and it feels like many cissexuals don't have their gender identity as an integral sense of their self. It's more like something they superficially adopt either as a feeble way of subverting gender stereotypes, as a coping mechanism for how they feel some of their gender nonconformity is socially stifled by gender norms, or trauma associated with their observable gender. Going back to what I said about my own exploration of nonbinary, I fail to understand why nonbinary people aren't screaming for medical interventions that do induce androgyny. Why aren't SERMs part of WPATH protocol for nonbinary natal males? Why isn't nandrolone part of WPATH protocols for nonbinary natal females?
I don't know if this means transsexuals like myself need to create a separatist movement and vocally disown cissexuals as "trenders" or attention seeking people to be ignored. This idea is especially alluring when many cissexuals who adopt trans identities are often transmisogynistic and belittling to my transsexual experience. It's funny, I've been accused so many times of being "transmedicalist" because of how I've expressed my beliefs about gender identity being immutable and medical intervention being important. It feels like rather than convincing me to lean more into self-ID and have a more fluid understanding of gender identity, you've convinced me of the exact opposite. If you've ever had a parent, you'll know "because I said so" isn't a convincing reason to do what someone said, and it comes across as bossy and unreasonable. A more fussy and stubborn child might rebel and put their foot down, and even for the more agreeable, you can still frustrate their threshold of noncompliance with repetition and duration.
The real truth is, I'm despairing. I feel like my existence is broken, society doesn't want me, my own community doesn't want me, and any purpose I could have had has been thoroughly squandered. I want to make the world a better place. I want trans people to be able to start young and turn out beautiful and well adjusted, something that I was denied, and I can't undo. I worry that it's too late for me to belong, to heal, to be accomplished and beautiful. So indeed this is goodbye.
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