Been having a hard time thinking about suicide

[TheYounger]

I kinda wonder if this is a bad thing because I do plan to ctb on Dec 31 of this year and it's only 2 months away. I'll post my goodbye thread when the 31st comes around but why am I having trouble imagining my plan? I mean, it's simple. On the 31 of Dec of this year I plan to post my goodbye thread and drink 20+ grams of sodium Azide but it's like I still doubt whether that's actually going to happen or not. I worry.

But i need to CTB soon because my mental condition is getting worse every day. I suffer from severe depression. And I can't live past the age of 30. I will be dead before reaching the age of 30 that's for sure. It doesn't matter how it's done but it will be done.

To live past that age would be hell and honestly I'm done with this life. I wake up sometimes wanting to commit suicide so badly sometimes but something always keeps me back from doing it and i don't want that feeling. I just want to go through with it already! I want to ctb already and rest!

 

[OminousVaL]

Your feelings are valid. Nothing about this is easy.

 

[Kat!]

Once and awhile, we all feel down, and I know it's hard to do it, even when you need to, even when you want to.
I've lost so many friends, but I plan to meet them soon. I hope to see you again, whether you're here or not.

 

[flower]

it's probably difficult to imagine because ending your own life is such an unnatural thing to do, it goes against our basic instinct to survive.

I'm sorry you're suffering, I definitely relate to just wanting to rest. sending love ♡

 

[TheYounger]

Your feelings are valid. Nothing about this is easy.

Yeah, exactly. But it's like why do I have trouble committing suicide even when I'm at my absolute lowest? For all other things I'm pretty set on doing them when I need to do them but even imagining CTB is hard for me. It's like in my mind I put the bottle of sodium Azide with water up to my lips but for some reason I can't drink it down. It's like I have trouble with this. I want to drink it but something doesn't allow me to.

it's probably difficult to imagine because ending your own life is such an unnatural thing to do, it goes against our basic instinct to survive.

I'm sorry you're suffering, I definitely relate to just wanting to rest. sending love ♡

Yeah, I can see that being the case. I just want to die already though. But maybe when I post my goodbye thread I'll have the courage to fully through with it. I definitely need to though. I think about suicide everyday saying I need to kill myself. I have to kill myself. It's the only way out right now.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Sending hugs bro, it's not easy and I am sorry you're stuck coping with it