Venting AVPD, anxiety, and agoraphobia have ruined my life.

[timorousTruant]

So, I'm back here again. I posted here a bit back in 2022, then tried to recover. Guess how that turned out.

I suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, severe anxiety, and agoraphobia. Going anywhere that isn't my house and my job is terrifying and I'm functionally disabled by fear.

I tried really hard to get better. I started aggressively exposing myself to my fears, but nothing stuck—I travelled to another state by train alone. I tried working the customer-facing position at my job (where normally I'm hidden in the back), but after messing up and embarrassing myself multiple times like I always do, I hid again. I started trying to drive, but was so terrified and would freeze up constantly to the point it was getting dangerous, so I gave up.

I made some progress, then immediately backslid. All my efforts are undone the second something bad happens, and I have to start from square one every time. Pushing myself for the sake of exposure feels like self-harm. It feels like a punishment.

I hate how I am. I'm completely dependent on my family for everything. I'm a child in a twenty year-old's body.

I've completely isolated myself from everyone that isn't immediate family. I even work for the family business. I doubt I'm capable of getting another job. I'm a completely useless failure. No skills, no goals, just empty. Interacting with anyone at all is exhausting. My eating disorder consumes all my thoughts and energy. I don't care about anything.

I couldn't even complete highschool. I dropped out six years ago, a month or so into freshman year because the anxiety was so bad. I couldn't speak in class, I ate every lunch alone in the third floor bathroom, and I'd freak out so badly in the crowded halls I couldn't even focus on getting from class to class.

I literally cannot do anything. Everything terrifies me. I'm a useless fuckup—and the moment I enter a public space, I feel like everyone, every single person can tell. I feel judged when no one is looking. I feel like I'm messing up and making a fool of myself just by existing in front of people. When I'm alone, I'm tormented by memories of every vaguely embarrassing thing I've ever done. I'm ashamed and guilt-stricken for being so dependent on my family. I can't handle talking to anybody because they'll find out how useless I am.

I can't do this anymore. I don't have a future. My life has been over for a long time now.

So, I'm back here. I'm hoping to find a reliable and mostly painless way to ctb. I just want it to be over.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[WearyWanderer]

You mention how aggressive exposure to scary activities feels like self-harm and I personally think and have read that if it's too much at once, yes it can actually be more traumatizing.

When I tried to do the same I probably made the same mistake of trying too much at once and kind of diving off the deep end but just in case it helps, here are a few ideas


- Instead of driving on busy roads,can you just practice in empty parking lots to start or perhaps very empty backroads? (Sorry this one is still very hard I actually had to learn certain basics in high school but then go back years later in college and return with a bit of muscle memory as well as take Driver's Ed classes taught by defensive knowledgeable drivers to have a chance in hell at getting my license)

- Instead of talking to strangers at work where it's so high pressure and your job is kind of on the line, can you practice making small talk with the cashier at the grocery or perhaps a safe and older person on public transit who you will definitely never see again? That way, even if you feel you have fumbled the conversation you can go into it with the relief that they're just a stranger and will probably forget the interaction even happened eventually since it's only a one-time thing.

- Is taking time off from college but planning to return an option for you? Some people at my university would take mental health semesters or a year off and it's not that odd because people do gap years and older students exist too.

Main idea here is just to start with small doable baby stepss for the exposure exercises vs overwhelming yourself with everything at once.

 

[researcher12]

have u tried medication? i had similar public anxiety , paroxetine eradicated that.

 

[identity0]

have u tried medication? i had similar public anxiety , paroxetine eradicated that.

Really? That sounds crazy. Can you elaborate on the effect? I also have severe social anxiety and have been prescribed it but i am afraid to take it because i had bad experiences with past SSRIs.

 

[researcher12]

Really? That sounds crazy. Can you elaborate on the effect? I also have severe social anxiety and have been prescribed it but i am afraid to take it because i had bad experiences with past SSRIs.

before paxil, i could barely walk down streets without sweating, thinking ppl are watching me and i am on the spotlight. avoiding shopping etc... After paxil going shopping,walking etc stopped being a problem. Still hard to interact with unfamiliar faces though.

 

[timorousTruant]

have u tried medication? i had similar public anxiety , paroxetine eradicated that.

Yeah, I've been on several different medications for anxiety and none of them worked :(

I'm glad you found something that helped you though

 

[exhumed101]

I once was in class and my hands were sweating so bad due to anxiety.