Hey everyone. First post here. I've been wanting to ctb since mid teens, but have only now really committed to it after finding out about some relatively bearable methods (before I thought hanging was my most plausible option, so you can understand my hesitation.)
Have ordered all supplies needed for SN and they will be arriving by the end of this week. If anyone is curious, I got 99% pure SN from a local lab supplies online store, Domperidone from a local online pharmacy (who forgot to mark it as needing a prescription, every other antiemetic was marked so I guess I got lucky?) and obviously the painkillers and antacids were easy to source.
I have no friends except on discord, I don't go outside and very thought of entering the workforce makes me anxious and depressed. I don't think my decision was made from a very emotional place, it's just that I don't see a future for myself where I can be happy.
My biggest regret I guess is that I'll be dying a virgin. Porn addiction has plagued me since I was 11, and sex was one of the biggest motivations I had for staying alive. But at this point, I don't see myself getting laid without a lot of suffering to get to that goal, so I guess I'll take my chances on the afterlife (though I believe there isn't one, I'm hugely anti-religion)
The more I think about ctb, the more I'm convinced it's a good choice. Not only because of my personal reasons, but I truly believe humanity as a race is disgusting. We treat other people like trash, we treat other species like trash, and the recent political climate has only strengthened my belief that humankind shouldn't exist. Sexists, racists, homophobes, transphobes have been empowered and can be seen in every corner of the internet and world, no longer needing to hide.
I feel guilty for leaving my family like this, they're some of the most supportive people and have spoiled me immensely. My parents have been fighting more than usual lately and I fear this may create even more of a rift between them and have an effect on my little sister's future. But at the end of the day, I just can't take living with this feeling that I don't belong here anymore, and I'm going to be dead so I won't have to witness the consequences anyway. It's slightly selfish, but in my opinion, justified.
I was also pressured into choosing a profession that is financially sound, rather than what I wanted to do and had passion for, which would've been something creative. I'm good at art and have earned a few hundred dollars from commissions, I also have a guitar and drumset. My original goal was to get into video game development as they are my one true passion, but I guess in a third world country it was a pipe dream.
I think that was all I wanted to get off my chest. I also have some small regrets, like not being able to watch the 2nd season of The Pitt or 4th season of Ted Lasso, but alas, we have to make some sacrifices. I hope my departure will be peaceful, or at least bearable, and swift. I really don't want to have to try twice, or worse, get found out.
Have ordered all supplies needed for SN and they will be arriving by the end of this week. If anyone is curious, I got 99% pure SN from a local lab supplies online store, Domperidone from a local online pharmacy (who forgot to mark it as needing a prescription, every other antiemetic was marked so I guess I got lucky?) and obviously the painkillers and antacids were easy to source.
I have no friends except on discord, I don't go outside and very thought of entering the workforce makes me anxious and depressed. I don't think my decision was made from a very emotional place, it's just that I don't see a future for myself where I can be happy.
My biggest regret I guess is that I'll be dying a virgin. Porn addiction has plagued me since I was 11, and sex was one of the biggest motivations I had for staying alive. But at this point, I don't see myself getting laid without a lot of suffering to get to that goal, so I guess I'll take my chances on the afterlife (though I believe there isn't one, I'm hugely anti-religion)
The more I think about ctb, the more I'm convinced it's a good choice. Not only because of my personal reasons, but I truly believe humanity as a race is disgusting. We treat other people like trash, we treat other species like trash, and the recent political climate has only strengthened my belief that humankind shouldn't exist. Sexists, racists, homophobes, transphobes have been empowered and can be seen in every corner of the internet and world, no longer needing to hide.
I feel guilty for leaving my family like this, they're some of the most supportive people and have spoiled me immensely. My parents have been fighting more than usual lately and I fear this may create even more of a rift between them and have an effect on my little sister's future. But at the end of the day, I just can't take living with this feeling that I don't belong here anymore, and I'm going to be dead so I won't have to witness the consequences anyway. It's slightly selfish, but in my opinion, justified.
I was also pressured into choosing a profession that is financially sound, rather than what I wanted to do and had passion for, which would've been something creative. I'm good at art and have earned a few hundred dollars from commissions, I also have a guitar and drumset. My original goal was to get into video game development as they are my one true passion, but I guess in a third world country it was a pipe dream.
I think that was all I wanted to get off my chest. I also have some small regrets, like not being able to watch the 2nd season of The Pitt or 4th season of Ted Lasso, but alas, we have to make some sacrifices. I hope my departure will be peaceful, or at least bearable, and swift. I really don't want to have to try twice, or worse, get found out.
