At what point did you decide you were ready to CBT?

[7BLue7]

It's one thing to feel suicidal or have suicidal thoughts. But at what point did you accept that you genuinely want to CTB and will definitely go through with it? I believe that thoughts caused by mental health struggles can be separate to what you truly want, so when did the suicidal feelings start feeling "real" to you?
How did you decide you were definitely ready to CTB?

 

[sadalways]

I've been suicidal since i was a teen, for like 11 years now, back then i thought my reasons were stupid and i'll grow out of them maybe and things will get better.
Well, that was complete bullshit and a huge cope because it's only gotten worse, i'm 24 now and the problems i had back then, are getting worse and worse. I stopped believing i'll get better when i was like... 20? 21 maybe. That's when i was like "yeah one day i'll have to do it". I've gotten some 'happy' phases that come and go, mainly if i occupy myself with something and forget everything that's happening, but whenever these happy thoughts go away, things only get significantly worse and i'm tired of it. So yea i'd say it's been a few years now since i started preparing myself for it and me being naive and dumb the only reason i haven't done it yet is because there's a tiny, small thread of hope at the back of my mind that doesn't let me go, even though i am well aware that things will not have a good outcome. That, and not wanting to hurt a person close to me. I know sooner or later i will have to go through with it.

 

[Reflection]

Nah I'm not into cock and ball torture lol.

Seriously though I'm not exactly completely ready to commit suicide since I still have a small hope that things might change for the better even if I'm currently an emotional trainwreck and constantly have to keep myself from doing something impulsive. I don't want to die I just wish I could fix my circumstances first and foremost, which unfortunately is something that is out of my control.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

My first attempt was 10 years ago at age 15 so I've been like this for a while

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

It's one thing to feel suicidal or have suicidal thoughts. But at what point did you accept that you genuinely want to CTB and will definitely go through with it? I believe that thoughts caused by mental health struggles can be separate to what you truly want, so when did the suicidal feelings start feeling "real" to you?
How did you decide you were definitely ready to CTB?

When I realized my family is pure evil and also has a world of resources with specifically malicious intent towards me that I can never escape. After 8 years of being steadily pushed into various corners, I realized that it wasn't just dumb luck, it was systematic string pulling by incredibly powerful people associated with my family.

When your own family wants you to suffer and die, well, why not just die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'll personally always prefer to not exist no matter what, simply just existing is enough to make me wish for the peace of an eternal dreamless sleep and I suffer so much from how the option to just simply cease existing in peace is denied for me, I just want to choose to permanently stop suffering. I just wish for permanent relief from the torturous, futile burden of existing as a human that I never would had chosen and never would had wished for in the first place.

For me non-existence is all I see as positive, it's all I see as desirable, it's my way to escape from all futile unnecessary suffering in this existence where I'm just waiting to not exist anyway and to me existing really is just waiting to die. It's just suffering all for the sake of it with no limit as to how much agony one can feel and I'd just never wish for any of this, I wish I could erase my existence so it's like I never suffered instead, I really was never meant to suffer in this existence and I find it painful to simply exist, it's horrific to me how a human can suffer for so long just to be tortured by old age.

 

[SN?0RN0t]

Today. I got a ticket for no insurance and speeding 58 jn a 40. It may seem small but after 4 years of trying to live life and make something of it i spent 4 years in utter hell. And thankfully this ticket was the overflow of my miserable life. Because i have decided to ctb idk when or how yet but it awakened me to finally stop trying for a life i will never be able to live.

 

[heavysoul]

I've been suicidal for a little over 2 years, so probably a lot less than most others here. But it just feels like my suicidal thoughts don't go away, like they're always sort of there somewhere and it makes suicide feel inevitable. Each time there's a critical period where I feel acutely suicidal, it feels more intense than the last each time and this most recent period has just been really bad. I'm obsessed with the idea of suicide, it feels like I have to do it. My mind feels like a prison and I don't want to fight it anymore.
Plus, the political climate in the US is more awful than ever and I can't see myself having a future anymore.

 

[SN?0RN0t]

I've been suicidal for a little over 2 years, so probably a lot less than most others here. But it just feels like my suicidal thoughts don't go away, like they're always sort of there somewhere and it makes suicide feel inevitable. Each time there's a critical period where I feel acutely suicidal, it feels more intense than the last each time and this most recent period has just been really bad. I'm obsessed with the idea of suicide, it feels like I have to do it. My mind feels like a prison and I don't want to fight it anymore.
Plus, the political climate in the US is more awful than ever and I can't see myself having a future anymore.

Well really for me its like ive already experienced dying after my last "attempt" 4 years ago. It was total euphoria. Its a long story but afterwards when i went into my coma after they incubated me after resuscitating me (all after it was decided i was brain dead) i decided then to keep living for others and myself (i decided this as i flatlined and declared dead at 11pm febuary 10th (after losing consciousness during the declaration i made up my mind to keep going and bargained for life) and weeks later there i was. Again its very complicated but i was infact dead resuscitated incubated then lead to total life support declared brain dead and take off then came back again (multiple times i wasnt dying cause i was conscious and fighting) and my mother took it as a sign i was there. And then after weeks and weeks i made full recovery. The bargin? To never wish for death since i did die and found the euphoria i was looking for and decided i will live and WILL keep going and be strong because i will die naturally…except its been 4 years of total hell. 4 years of pain and regret and longing once again to euphoria. Now im even more hyper aware than i was before the attempt and its like the universe is fucking with me trying to break me. 4 years was long enough to try at life and enough to completely ruin my life. And now ive suffered even more because all i did was experienced 4 more miserable years here and have to find the courage all over again to leave it behind

 

[blackIronPrison]

There wasn't exactly a hard "this is it" critical point. I've dealt with these ideas since adolescence due to growing up in poverty among other things. The right conditions just slowly starting taking shape: I was never connected to my family in any meaningful way, friends slowly started to vanish through just distance or death, opportunities in life vanished one by one, I grew increasingly more socially isolated, and any remaining ability to be a person just atrophied.

Eventually "I don't like how my life looks" had turned to "I don't like being alive" seemingly without notice.

 

[Thomas Rekowicz]

I started have suicidal thoughts when i was 12 years old mainly because my alcoholic father abused me and my mother i attempted few times without success but now i AM compleatly alone i had to run from my mother who molested me this broke me this was IT. My family barerly support me from this point i knew i will CTB

 

[DarknessAtNoon]

I've been passively suicidal my entire adult life but I think my fate was sealed several years ago when a dentist completely ruined my bite by drilling away massive amounts of enamel from my teeth. It's been a living hell since then of constant dental appointments trying to fix what was done without any success.

 

[CravingPeace]

There wasn't exactly a hard "this is it" critical point. I've dealt with these ideas since adolescence due to growing up in poverty among other things. The right conditions just slowly starting taking shape: I was never connected to my family in any meaningful way, friends slowly started to vanish through just distance or death, opportunities in life vanished one by one, I grew increasingly more socially isolated, and any remaining ability to be a person just atrophied.

Eventually "I don't like how my life looks" had turned to "I don't like being alive" seemingly without notice.

This hits very close to home. Thank you for sharing

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I initially started suicidal ideation in my mid-teens, probably due to being bullied a lot at school + having a difficult home life. The stress of everything then resulted in an admittedly pathetic attempt which no one knows about. Fast forward just about 15 years, and the suicide of my partner has pushed me back to these thoughts, stronger than ever. I'm sure he never meant to blame me as such, but it's hard not to read his note that way. The guilt and regret have really done me in.

 

[synchroscope]

I remember the first time I actually tried was when I was 10. I told my dad I wanted to build a rope fort in a tree out back to get him to buy me rope. I think I still have it somewhere. It was the slick plasticky type and bright yellow. Probably not a good option. I also remember begging my parents for a bunk bed because all the branches in the backyard were too high up to reach, and there was nothing strong enough in my house to use as an anchor. So I got my bunk bed, got my rope, and tied it to the side of the upper bunk. I didn't ever take the leap though. I think I was too afraid of my dad also killing himself. This was of course before I realized he had resented me my whole life.

I was definitely passively suicidal before 10 though. I've found old childhood drawings from when I was 7-8 at the latest where I would write things like I just wish I could die, I wish I was dead, etc. I found a very early drawing I did before I was even in school where I was with ET in a UFO with the caption "please ET take me away from this horrible place". Kind of morbidly funny I guess.

The point is I literally cannot remember a time when I wasn't suicidal. If I die some other way, it'll be a miracle. Thinking about dying feels too much like home for me to want to leave it behind.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I haven't accepted that yet, tbh. I've been suicidal since 15 or so, though.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I developed ideation young aged 10. I suppose it didn't really become proper active ideation till early adulthood. I've always known I wanted to hold on for key loved ones to go first. So, that has prevented me being really practical about it for a long time. In purely selfish terms though- it was looking like my best option in my 20's.

 

[SmilingNoMore]

Actively suicidal since about a week before I joined this forum, when I felt there was simply no other option but the way out. Had my date set for 31 December last year and then timing just hasn't allowed for it to be a sure thing since, and I promised my person to keep on believing in us, so there's this thread of hope. Have been passively suicidal maybe since about a year ago, mainly to do with relationship issues but now also more about money issues.

 

[Lyn]

Well for the first time probably in my mid-teens. Which years later led to a first attempt, which obviously failed.

Then something happened that was able to switch me to other tracks for a while. It didn't add to my love of life (the nonexistent one) or solve any problems, but at least it gave some purpose.

But now it's back with renewed force. At least because to the unwillingness to live is added impossibility.

The thing is... catching the bus now seems to be even more complicated but inevitable. And at the same time even more coveted.

 

[grapevoid]

I don't think there was a specific pivotal moment for me but rather a series of events that led to an epiphany.

All my life I've done everything exactly how I was supposed to. I got married, went to college- obtained 2 degrees (while also pregnant most of those years) I had children, built a career etc etc. my marriage went to shit and leaving it was a big traumatic event that led to stalking and physical abuse etc. but I wasn't jaded yet, I met someone new and we had a kid and I rebuilt. blah blah blah when the burn out caught up to me, I really had no one. Everyone was so used to me managing everything- the kids, the bills, all the responsibilities, and if I didn't or couldn't there was always something "wrong with me" over time I just lost hope in life and realized it doesn't matter what you do, it'll never be enough, no one will ever appreciate it and when you need help you can just go f yourself because how dare you?

Anyway, I've had suicidal ideation my whole life but the string of events where I was desperately seeking support and constantly hitting a brick wall eventually pushed me from ideation to complete hopelessness and burn out.

 

[pyranha]

i've been passively suicidal for most of my life, but i've had many attempts. those usually occurred in moments where i was confronted with the reality that my situation wasn't going to change. in terms of the active, ready to go, full preparation suicidal that i am right now? i think it started a few weeks ago. i don't think anything in particular triggered it, i just finally accepted that my life cannot get better in the way i want it to. there were no tears, i felt calm. i think that's what separates this upcoming attempt from my previous ones. i didn't make the choice under any emotional circumstance- it just came to me as a rational solution

 

[twilightSparriw]

When I realized my family is pure evil and also has a world of resources with specifically malicious intent towards me that I can never escape. After 8 years of being steadily pushed into various corners, I realized that it wasn't just dumb luck, it was systematic string pulling by incredibly powerful people associated with my family.

When your own family wants you to suffer and die, well, why not just die.

Perhaps to troll your family and prove them wrong?

 

[grapevoid]

Perhaps to troll your family and prove them wrong?

Unfortunately, he has not been back online since he proclaimed drinking SN, so there's a chance he's no longer with us