Venting At my wits end

[RE2PAWN]

Today I learned, after a particularly grueling week at work (and a pretty painful experience at a concert) that I unfortunately make too much to qualify for Medicaid in my new state.

I've been trying to pursue accommodations at work, but without a doctor's note, getting said accommodations is essentially impossible. Doing mind numbing physical labor through severe pain is slowly driving me up the wall, and I fear this might genuinely be my breaking point.

My 23rd birthday is tomorrow, and it's also the 1 year anniversary of one of my closest friends choosing to CTB. I feel so genuinely hopeless that I am truly considering following in his footsteps, despite wanting to try not to before. I just don't think I can handle this anymore. I just want the pain to end.

 

[LighthouseHermit]

An early happy birthday!

I'm so sorry you experience so much pain. Wish you all the best health, strength, and luck

 

[RE2PAWN]

Today I learned, after a particularly grueling week at work (and a pretty painful experience at a concert) that I unfortunately make too much to qualify for Medicaid in my new state.

I've been trying to pursue accommodations at work, but without a doctor's note, getting said accommodations is essentially impossible. Doing mind numbing physical labor through severe pain is slowly driving me up the wall, and I fear this might genuinely be my breaking point.

My 23rd birthday is tomorrow, and it's also the 1 year anniversary of one of my closest friends choosing to CTB. I feel so genuinely hopeless that I am truly considering following in his footsteps, despite wanting to try not to before. I just don't think I can handle this anymore. I just want the pain to end.

Well, my birthday has passed and I'm still here. It was really kind of nothingburger, but my partner bought me a Poke Bowl and I got to try that out for the first time, so that's pretty cool.

I've discovered that my feet hurt significantly more in the mornings than they used to. I've always dealt with morning foot pain, as I've been diagnosed with a number of chronic pain related conditions, but ever since I've started working at my current job it's only gotten worse. I've always been told that I'll likely be wheelchair bound in the future, but that future is starting to look like it's coming sooner rather than later, which terrifies me. I don't want to be here to see that, but I can't leave this world just yet. I still have to pay my partner back. I still have to handle everything I'm responsible for.

The idea of marching myself towards the inevitable conclusion of my body giving out on me in order to pay my way out and earn my freedom from this mortal coil is an interesting thought, to say the least.

An early happy birthday!

I'm so sorry you experience so much pain. Wish you all the best health, strength, and luck

Thank you for the birthday and well wishes, by the way! Apologies for forgetting to respond, I sleep a lot on my days off. I wish you the same, Hermit.

 

[RoseGirl]

the future is so scary.
having someone ckose to you die is so horrible... such a difficult to describe anguish.

 

[TBONTB]

Hoping you find some relief

 

[RE2PAWN]

Well, my birthday has passed and I'm still here. It was really kind of nothingburger, but my partner bought me a Poke Bowl and I got to try that out for the first time, so that's pretty cool.

I've discovered that my feet hurt significantly more in the mornings than they used to. I've always dealt with morning foot pain, as I've been diagnosed with a number of chronic pain related conditions, but ever since I've started working at my current job it's only gotten worse. I've always been told that I'll likely be wheelchair bound in the future, but that future is starting to look like it's coming sooner rather than later, which terrifies me. I don't want to be here to see that, but I can't leave this world just yet. I still have to pay my partner back. I still have to handle everything I'm responsible for.

The idea of marching myself towards the inevitable conclusion of my body giving out on me in order to pay my way out and earn my freedom from this mortal coil is an interesting thought, to say the least.

Thank you for the birthday and well wishes, by the way! Apologies for forgetting to respond, I sleep a lot on my days off. I wish you the same, Hermit.

My partner proceeded to absolutely ruin my day today, and combined with the absolutely agonizing day I had at work, I am once again at the brink. I'm considering either going back home to my father with my tail between my legs and my pride destroyed, or just quitting on life earlier than I had hoped. Depends how bitter I feel next time I have some money to spend on SN, I suppose. For now though, I'll keep biding my time until I can fully pay him back before I actually commit.

It's funny, I'm surprised I haven't been approached at work about my Internet activity yet. I visit this forum a lot during my shift, and for a multi billion dollar company, I'd expect them to be paying a little extra attention to WiFi usage. Maybe the majority of the people at Company Who Shall Not Be Named are suicidal too LOL

I'm sitting in bed while I write this, listening to my partner snacking on pretzels while I mentally prepare myself to wake up at 4 AM tomorrow. Just another day closer to the end.

the future is so scary.
having someone ckose to you die is so horrible... such a difficult to describe anguish.

It truly is. I remember waking up on the day of my 22nd birthday and just being filled with this indescribable feeling of despair upon seeing the messages saying that he'd ended his life earlier in the morning. He was so young, and the only reason he did what he did was because he was talked into it by his abusive partner. It breaks my heart.

 

[RE2PAWN]

Hoping you find some relief

I appreciate that very much, thank you