Are you married?

[Monique696]

Are you married or in a serious relationship? If so how do you manage with wanting to leave ? Does your significant other know about your intentions?
How do you deal with it? I find myself more and more in a difficult environment after I tried talking to my husband about my intentions to leave. He is very much against it. But just living for another person seems harsh. I have mental health issues (cptsd) and just want to end it.

 

[whiskeyblanket]

I am married to my best friend (we're both asexual and aromantic) and I can relate a lot to this. I made an attempt shortly after we met in 2008 so he has always known about my intentions to leave. I don't usually bother hiding my self destructive tendencies from him. In fact, we sometimes laugh about it (he shares my dark sense of humor), though he is also very much against me leaving as well. When I do something seriously harmful to myself, he drops everything and tries to stop it/fix it. He has an extremely important job and hundreds of people rely on him being able to focus on his work, so there are things I hide. For example, when I finally do order my SN or buy a gun (haven't 100% settled on a method yet), I won't tell him.

I also try to keep going, mostly for him (a couple other reasons as well), and it's rough. I know it will cause immeasurable pain when I do go. It's a difficult situation to feel like you're stuck in your suffering just to keep someone else happy. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, but just wanted to say you're not alone.

 

[Monique696]

I am married to my best friend (we're both asexual and aromantic) and I can relate a lot to this. I made an attempt shortly after we met in 2008 so he has always known about my intentions to leave. I don't usually bother hiding my self destructive tendencies from him. In fact, we sometimes laugh about it (he shares my dark sense of humor), though he is also very much against me leaving as well. When I do something seriously harmful to myself, he drops everything and tries to stop it/fix it. He has an extremely important job and hundreds of people rely on him being able to focus on his work, so there are things I hide. For example, when I finally do order my SN or buy a gun (haven't 100% settled on a method yet), I won't tell him.

I also try to keep going, mostly for him (a couple other reasons as well), and it's rough. I know it will cause immeasurable pain when I do go. It's a difficult situation to feel like you're stuck in your suffering just to keep someone else happy. I'm sorry I don't have any helpful advice, but just wanted to say you're not alone.

Thank you for sharing. I don't know if there is any advice in leaving family behind. It's just a difficult situation.
The two of you sound very sweet tho.
I wish you the best of life and luck

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

I'm technically married but legally separated. I talk with my wife about CTB and it's difficult. At first she threatened to block me on chat for bringing it up. I did come on too strongly for her by talking about things like which funeral home. I toned it down to just telling her some of my feelings, like why I feel like it's my only option. She barely responds. She acknowledges that I'm suffering deeply, although I'm sure she's still against it. I wish she would be more supportive because she's the only person in my life who could be, but I'm afraid she just isn't very empathetic. She also tends to take things personally, so I think she sees my suicidal thoughts as an attack on her.

 

[NonEssential]

But just living for another person seems harsh.

Not married nor ever been in a relationship, but I agree with this. I hate how I can't bring myself to cbt because I don't want to hurt my family.

 

[Manic Panic]

I just got engaged .... and I still want to ctb

 

[Redacted24]

Yes, married ... to an abusive partner whose success is measured by my being on this site.

She would be delighted should I be dead as she would have everything she wants: money, personal freedom and plenty of attention from sympathetic family and friends "for her loss"

She would be aggrieved possibly at not having an outlet for her abuse, and internally she would blame me for taking myself out in an inconsiderate way (which could reflect badly on her) rather than simply dying of natural causes or an accident (which would be clearly out of her ability to influence)

I don't want to give in to my impulses but it's something I wrestle with every single day.

 

[sambamywaythru]

Just like you I suffer from CPTSD. The problem was that I did not know that when I was married, and that ended up ruining our relationship. If i think back, my biggest regret was simply not knowing, because if knew then maybe "we" could have done something about it.
One thing I can tell you is that you should never live for anyone else except for yourself.

 

[HelloDarkness25]

Married. I think my SO must know and recognize on some level that I am heading to CTB. As strange as it sounds, I think on some level they are okay with it. It's obviously would be a stressful event for them, but they would be fine in the long run, which makes it easier for me. I'm sorry for all of those who have to reconcile their own suffering against potential suffering of the loved ones

 

[ceilng_tile]

My wife is the only reason I didn't ctb a year ago. She believes my circumstances are going to get better and that I'm going to be able to find my way back to my dream job despite the fact that the chances of this happening are less than 1%. I told her they might not and she should look for someone else just in case but she won't listen.

 

[Flirtingwithdemons]

Part of the CPTSD club too. I'm married to an amazing man; his love and emotional intelligence has kept me from CTB. He adores me, the fool, and I don't want to hurt the person who has dedicated his life to me. We don't have kids, and I feel that if I go I'd have robbed him of so many things.

Extremely guilty that I still have these feelings despite clawing my way to a place where I'm able to -with great effort- maintain relationships. He understands that there are voids within me that he isn't able to 'fix' but I know it hurts him greatly. I feel that it should be enough, being loved like this, but it's not. The hollowness is always present, and he knows I am so, so tired of fighting just to function on a daily basis.

I haven't explicitly stated my intentions but he knows from the conversations we've had. I've talked about my chosen method, but he's the sole reason I haven't followed through. There is still a part of me that wants to get better for him; so I've been clinging to that for the last six months.

 

[ctb2soble]

I'm married. My husband knows that I've been suicidal since I was a child and that I joined this site over the summer. I told him I left the site (partial lie) and that I had no plans to CTB (partial lie again). Alone, he is not enough to keep me here.

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I have a wife, we've been married for about 2 years now. Long story short, we've both tried to ctb about a year or 2 ago but in the end I just couldn't go through with it. I don't think I was really ready at that time. Our method was using a gun. So yeah, she definitely knows that I'm actively suicidal. She is not suicidal at the moment, there is times when she'll get depressed but that's about it. My wife doesn't really support my journey to ctb. Everytime I mention or hint about it to her, she'll get depressed and tell me "no".
I am still very much suicidal at the moment, I just don't really bring it up or talk about it to her anymore. There's really no point in talking about it. I am trying to keep on going for her but it's incredibly hard. I don't think I will make it, I know I won't. Like someone else has said, trying to live for someone else's happiness is just torture and miserable. I'm just trying to make our memories we share together very memorable for her right now.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I've been married for seven years now. At this point my husband and I are leading separate lives in the same house. I think there is still love there, but my illness has ruined a lot.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Only to the idea of suicide

 

[Monique696]

Just like you I suffer from CPTSD. The problem was that I did not know that when I was married, and that ended up ruining our relationship. If i think back, my biggest regret was simply not knowing, because if knew then maybe "we" could have done something about it.
One thing I can tell you is that you should never live for anyone else except for yourself.

I'm sorry about what happened with you and your marriage. How did you cope with it falling apart ? Was it due to the cptsd? You are right about living only for yourself.

I have a wife, we've been married for about 2 years now. Long story short, we've both tried to ctb about a year or 2 ago but in the end I just couldn't go through with it. I don't think I was really ready at that time. Our method was using a gun. So yeah, she definitely knows that I'm actively suicidal. She is not suicidal at the moment, there is times when she'll get depressed but that's about it. My wife doesn't really support my journey to ctb. Everytime I mention or hint about it to her, she'll get depressed and tell me "no".
I am still very much suicidal at the moment, I just don't really bring it up or talk about it to her anymore. There's really no point in talking about it. I am trying to keep on going for her but it's incredibly hard. I don't think I will make it, I know I won't. Like someone else has said, trying to live for someone else's happiness is just torture and miserable. I'm just trying to make our memories we share together very memorable for her right now.

Can your wife afford to go on without you? That's a big reason why I am still here. Without my disability pension my husband could not take care of the dogs or even keep the car.

I've been married for seven years now. At this point my husband and I are leading separate lives in the same house. I think there is still love there, but my illness has ruined a lot.

I'm sorry to hear that. Illness damages a lot in marriages. Did you talk to him about wanting to ctb?

 

[Princess_Kitty]

That's

We've talked about it before and she's told me that she wouldn't be able to go on without me. I'm pretty much what keeps her going. I wish I could stay longer and try to get her to take care of herself better and get to the point where she'd be able to continue on if I wasn't around. I know that if I go...she'll go too eventually. I wish that wouldn't be the case but I just can't continue to live like this for her sake. Nothing's going to change for me, every day it's just the same. Staying up all night, crying, loneliness feeling over and over. I just can't stay for her happiness while I suffer. I'm at the point where nothing makes me happy anymore.

 

[TastySorrow]

Married, 2 kids, 2 very difficult pregnancies which further fucked with my mind (I never was what would be considered a "normal" person to begin with). Years and years of depression, anguish and fear of not being a good enough provider and dooming them to a life of austerity.

Got pretty lucky with a personal project in the last couple years which finally allowed us to have a better life, but it's been too time consuming to sustain and I couldn't handle it.

She's always read the signs of my depression as just apathy and disregard for my family and finally left me a couple weeks ago. I'm doing my best to turn things around but it really looks like it's over. I really feel like shit for wanting to CTB but not having her and my kids around is dragging me deeper into depression. I will never get over this.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

I'm engaged. Very lucky too be actually. What is lousy about it is it's long distance right now and while I don't expect him to fix my problems he makes it a lot better being here.

Only to the idea of suicide

This comment was so uncalled for but it's so damn accurate.