Anyway, I think I’m going insane

[sillyprincessmeow]

I'm experiencing a lot of dissociation and suicidal ideation still, I've grown as a person yes, but I don't feel good. I am hearing voices in my head, I feel like I have multiple personalities, I can't even think anymore. Like I don't even know how I'm putting all of this out onto this website, because I don't even know what I'm thinking. my brain is so blank, I can literally just lay in bed for hours and stare at my ceiling and have conversations with what seems like multiple people in my head. I'm hearing whispers and I'm seeing bugs and people in my peripheral vision and stuff and I feel like I'm going insane. I feel very abnormal. I'm always anxious, shaky, I always feel insanely depressed, it just never goes away. I feel like I have borderline personality disorder, but to be honest, I couldn't tell you why. I just relate with the symptoms so much and it's really difficult to even explain how I relate to them, and give examples of why, because I can't even think I can't even remember anything . Last night I was playing around with my boyfriend and I was like really happy and I was kind of on top of him and I was telling him "shut the fuck up" like I didn't even know I said it and I was like trying to be playful with him, and then, as soon as he started to show that he was upset, I immediately sat back and felt like something switched in my brain, and I was in "little space" And I was just trying to make him not mad at me anymore and figure out what I did wrong, like I had literally forgot that I had said that until another voice in my head told me what I said. I feel like I'm insane for saying that and I feel like everyone's gonna think that I'm making it up, but that's literally what is happening. I'm scared because I'm so self-aware, I'm just seeing all of these symptoms and connecting it with these mental disorders, and literally making myself insane, But I don't even know. I took shrooms earlier in August, and my first trip, I only took like a gram and a half, and it was a pretty good trip, I felt really happy and I was like "oh I see why they want to treat depressed people with microdoses" And after my trip was kind of off, I was telling my boyfriend oh my God I need more money for this. I need more money for it, and he literally withdrew $40 so we could buy more shrooms the next day. We did, and I ended up taking about 3 g, Doing about four g's shrooms within three days, and that was the worst trip in my life, I was dissociating to the max. I couldn't even walk inside of a store because I was freaking out, I was just so scared, I was so miserable and it's taken weeks to get back to feeling even remotely normal. i'm scared that I'm never gonna be normal again, I'm scared that I'm insane, I feel like I should just kill myself to feel better. I'm going to therapy now, and it's just really scary and unfortunate, because I love the idea of it, but having to plan it out and having to schedule times and be committed to it instead of just being able to be like hey can we do it today, makes me feel really anxious, I hate having to be set on things. I just feel like I let everyone down, I don't even know, there are so many things going on in my head yet nothing at all, I'm confused, I'm scared, and I really just want a way out. I really just don't wanna be here anymore. I wish I could kill myself. My mental health is only gonna get worse and worse and I just don't really see a point in trying to feel better, I feel like if I start to try to get better I will , have gone through everything for nothing and it'll just seem like I've made everything up in my head. What do I do? I feel like a failure, I just want my boyfriend to come here and lay with me, I'm really tired of being alone, I'm so so scared. I'm literally delusional, I genuinely believe that my boyfriend is vampire, I genuinely believe some of the teachers that my schools is a vampire, I believe that people around me are not human and I believe that everybody is watching me, I feel scared. It's like I know realistically they are not right? But there are so many signs that points otherwise and it's just so hard to believe which side I should. Call me King George the third because I'm having my descent into madness.

 

[Ethel]

I don't think being normal is good,being normal is boring and being yourself is always better anyways but...
When I comes to the voices in your head,I would recommend lower banishing ritual(if you are willing to try it) or therapy


PS:there are communities of vampires in real life

 

[sillyprincessmeow]

I don't think being normal is good,being normal is boring and being yourself is always better anyways but...
When I comes to the voices in your head,I would recommend lower banishing ritual(if you are willing to try it) or therapy


PS:there are communities of vampires in real life

I'll look into that, I'm currently working on my first therapy session, not too ecstatic, I feel drained already.
And literally see what I mean vampire have to be real. My boyfriend says he is immortal and such and I believe that to an extent. People can read my mind, especially him it's very scary, too many things have happened too many times for it to just be a "coincidence"

 

[Ethel]

Ohhhhh this story can only mean 2 things:you're insane or welcome to the world of magick

But could be the 3rd hidden option: your bf is insane

Also,I hope your bf is near you to keep you sane through all of this,sincerely

 

[schrei_nach_liebe]

This isn't advice, just an observation based on what you said. Being self-aware is good sometimes because it can keep you grounded with reality, sometimes. Borderline doesn't stick out to me just based on what you wrote. Psychosis does, and psychosis is often a lot more treatable than depression and anxiety in my experience, as in a big difference can be made. A lot more work has been put into actually treating psychosis rather than just making money off of it, like depression and anxiety. If psychosis was my chief problem, and I was self-aware enough to realize that, and I knew that a real difference could be made, I might look into getting help for it. Sure, a lot of the treatments are known to have pretty impactful side effects, but many people don't face significant side effects, some not at all. Better yet the best treatments are really old and really cheap, you don't have to go brand name. It might be worth a shot. Maybe not.